i am raw right now... with raw emotion
hurting, vulnerable
2 major friendships are changing
i need to get from point A to point B
it is not a switch that i can just flip
it is a process

today is a day that i wish i could turn the clock back and undo something i said last night.
if only i had the power to do that.
i don't.
so i hurt.
and want to make it right.
and i will.
damage is done with mis-spoken words.
i need to think and choose them carefully.

again and again...

So how many times do i have to give god all of me... give him permission to go into all the corners of my heart and make his presence known... to rule over my flesh... to take control where "flesh woman" is reigning. to kill. it is a battle. are there little unseen dark corners within the corners that i thought i had welcomed him in before? places where i opened up the door for him to enter years ago? and now a new situation arises and there "flesh woman" is still strong as ever - way down that one dark hallway in the back corner.. .and the battle is on. even giving god permission to come in and begin the battle against "her" appears to take time. has she been there so long that her hands and feet are tightly wrapped around pieces of me ... pieces of my heart so that it will take time to pry her loose? and in the prying, there is ripping and there is painful tearing... i feel pain. but i want "flesh woman" gone and i know that only jesus can give me that victory. i cannot do this. so i give him free reign to move in and fight the battle. i want victory in jesus. i want jealously and fear gone. i want selfishness gone. i want holy and pure love to reign. i want joy. i want to embrace the new places where he walks me. i want his spirit to rule in me.

i want to be changed.

Tuesday night...

Push through to the other side

embracing fear and the unknown

surrendering

open hands that cannot hang on

the scum of sin rises to the surface

though ugly and unclean, He takes it

forgiven and clean

fresh

not looking back

moving forward to newness

love purely

without jealously and envy

without selfishness

Thankful

change.... growth
what was is not
what will be is unknown
let go.. hang on
hang onto what?
the unknown is unknown
challenges
back away, change focus
be there always
love
love unconditionally
love with no expectation
give
serve
keep walking
hands open
hold loosely
jesus can

So where do I start with blogging this morning. Seems like I have much to say, but not sure what to say. I have rolled around in the mud, been in the bottom of a pit, wrestled with feelings and been frustrated at how those feelings can wrap themselves around me and subdue me. They render me useless and leave me wondering who I am and how did I get to this place. I am without hope and wandering in my mind with no escape plan. Depression had grabbed me, wrestled me to the ground and life was empty. That is where I was. I am back on meds and my days are normal "KC days" again. There is hope.

No Other Gods...

So... yesterday i was browsing in my local Christian Book store and came upon a new book, "No Other Gods", by Kelly Minter. (Kelly is a friend of mine that i have known since she was 17 years old. This is her second book and like her father, she is an amazing communicator.) I had been in a very dark place having come down off of meds and quickly seeing that I needed to get back on them. I was having all sorts of dark and distorted feelings... if you have been there, you know the place I am talking about. Without a second thought i quickly purchased her book and got into my car... locked the door... and read the 1st chapter. Her words grabbed my heart. It was good. Refreshing. I later hit bottom with a friend... praying and emptying to God all my crap... all the junk in my heart that He was showing me. After about 5 tissues were used and thrown on the floor.. i was done. What was all that crap and junk? I am still not sure. There are fears and a host of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It was liberating to unload them. My friend and I walked... and then I headed home. I read more of Kelly's book in bed before sleep. I read more this morning before work. She talks about an idol being anything we love and pursue in place of God... it can come in the form of an over-attachment to something... it's taking a good thing and making it an ultimate thing...I know i am capable of walking in those places. There was a huge release and freedom in coming through that time of crying and praying last night. I am lighter and don't feel quite as dysfunctional (i hate that word!) as I did yesterday. Then there is the HUGE thought... how much of this is depression... peri-menopause... and sin? I tire of thinking about it so i just throw it all out there for the Lord to sort through in me. Bottom line... there is peace today.

the cream sofa

Have you ever stopped to think about all the "life" that is lived out on a piece of furniture? I had those thoughts recently when i looked at "our" cream sofa that is now living at Lauren's house. It is a wrap sofa with cozy cushions and lots of seating room. We passed the sofa on to our dear friend last year when we upgraded to a new wrap sofa. So many memories have been made on those cushions.
Jerry and KC movie night every Friday night
Naps and more naps
Watching football
Curling up and finding comfort when sick
A place to sit for girls friends enjoying wine and cheese
Being covered up, packed up and moved to Greenville
Living in storage for 3 months..in darkness
Being a safe, cozy place for a friend to talk
Holding onto me as i held onto a friend crying tears
A place for "family time" with talking and laughing
Moving to 6 Blythewood Dr.
New material covering all the worn cushions
Colorful pillows
Warmth all over the place
Girls night on Thursday night
More tears
Lots of laugher and serious talking
If furniture could speak... this cream sofa would have stories to share

... darkness, emptiness and loneliness,
they surround me today in all their glory.
alone in my thoughts - emotions attached to my every move.
tears fall from an empty heart.
a friend who understands.
i am clinging and holding on...

the week...

The week... a whirlwind of emotions. All over the place. Up. Down. Angry. Emotional. Flat lined. Unable to focus. I am believing it will get better and these days will not have to be lived again.

There is a hint of fresh air being blown around as I see God's hand at work. He is always at work whether we see His work or not, but there is life breathed into me when I am allowed to see what He is doing up close and personal. I see that today in 2 friend's lives. One is experiencing a newness in her relationship with God, and seeing that He is not the God of the "box" that she grew up believing in. She knows He is much much bigger than that. She has been broken... and she has been healed. There is a beauty and freshness about her now that is new. She is herself, not what other people wanted her to be. She is walking out her life - with her God. In another friends life, He is cutting deeply and gently taking his hand and pulling up to the surface past pain. She is broken. She is spilled out. She is learning to be vulnerable. She sat with me over coffee last week and we talked... I listened... she let tears fall from her big brown eyes. God is working in her... healing her. She knows that - and she is listening and walking with Him. Her hands are open and turned upward. She knows this is what she needs. I love the gift of walking with her. I know where she is right now. I know the hurt. I have cried those tears. I have felt the relief of letting the hurt out through the tears. I know the hope of tomorrow. I know the hope that is in Jesus... and His touch. Whether God is using me or not, I embrace this journey of hiking with her. I have done this before. I know that in the end there is a real-ness that shines through the spirit of those that have let their Maker break them... and put them back together. You are never the same. You have embraced the pain, and you have seen the cleansing power of tears and you have felt the healing power of your God. It is so well with your soul.

I want to be a Ragamuffin...

"Lord Jesus, I put my fears aside today and open my heart to you in trust." I just read these words in the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning. It has taken me a long time to read through this book. His words cut deeply - they are not fluff. I am still reading it and will more than likely read it again and again, but I know that I want to be a Ragamuffin.

• Ragamuffins are simple, direct and honest.
• They are not saints, but they seek spiritual growth.
• They accept counsel and constructive criticism with ease.
• They stumble often, but they do not spend endless hours in self-recrimination.
• They repent quickly.
• They offer their broken moments to God.
• Long prayers and big words do not suit ragamuffins.
• The worshiping ragamuffin will not be mummified in middle age by living in the past and refusing to attend to the present.
• God's name is Mercy, for the Ragamuffin.

Yes, I want to be a Ragamuffin kind of gal. It is a journey. I am trusting. I am walking.

Date night...

I had a date last night with Jerry.
We went to the Roper Mt. observatory, and it was fun. In spite of my brain being full from a very stressful week at work, I did enjoy looking at "fake" stars while reclining in nice chairs. Most of the words shared by the teacher doing this presentation sounded like "wah wah wah wah" and I can not begin to tell you what she said. My brain was so full, actually overloaded and spilling out from a full week of stress and noise: lawyer conversations, terminated employee conversation, letters written, IT issues, Wireless access point issues, moving computers and boxing up papers, new carpeting being laid, new employee orientation, paper work, piles, thinking about my 2009 goals and initiatives for the company, VP talks, IRS paper work, TSJ irritations, coaching Betsy, and where do we go to church? There was just no more room to learn about stars, Jupiter and constellations. I did find out that the very bright "star" that we see all the time in the southern sky when we are on our patio is not a star at all.... it is Jupiter. That was worth all the "wah wah wah" noise.

heart and brain dump

I am having one of those mornings when I just need to talk... dump if you will all that is whirling around in my head and pressing in hard on my heart. Why these moments seep into my days I do not know or understand. I just have come to accept that they do come and it is a part of me, and how I am made. When the whirling comes, I call my dear friend and talk and dump it all out. I often feel like a dump truck backing up to her lap, raising the truck bed and letting it go. When I do that it releases it's power and hold on me, and I can move again. And my friend does an amazing job of listening, loving, and not judging me. I am blessed.
Today, I dumped some good questions and thoughts:
1. My body image. Sigh...
2. What am I doing with my life. I want to touch lives. Am I?
3. When will I feel like I have a place of "community" with a group of people?
4. Cleaning my house. It always feels like such a chore. Do most women feel like that. I so could embrace a full time cleaning lady!
5. There is a lot going on at work right now. Do I have what it takes to do my job?
6. I am amazed at people who will not take one ounce of responsibility for their actions. Everyone else is always at fault.
7. Will we enjoy "church" tomorrow? I so want to enjoy this new place and feel like this is where we belong.
8. I love God - the bible seems dry to me right now.
9. Am I normal? Ha! Of course I am not normal!
10. Do girl friends love us better than husbands? Ummm...
11. Gosh, I am middle aged! Is this a mid-life crisis beginning?
The dump is over and I am moving on. Off to clean my house and work in the yard. Then some grocery shopping and a trip to Home Depot with my girl friend. I will hug her and thank her for catching all my "crap" this morning and loving me irregardless. She is a treasure.

birthdays...

There is so much joy in celebrating birthdays of people you love. I did that yesterday. Celebrating Lauren's birthday is not only celebrating that she has added a year to her life, but it is celebrating that she has added life to her years. She has broken free from bondage and a spiritually abusive life style and she has in this past year learned about who she really is, not who everyone else thinks she is or how everyone else thinks she needs to live. She has walked in new shoes.. down new paths.. met new people.. embraced new grace and love.. and left the old behind. Leaving the old behind is a daily journey, but she does it well with a lot of grace. So I celebrate Lauren. I celebrate the new, the life that sparkles in her eyes, the joy that rumbles around in her heart, the humor that flies around us uncontrollable at times, and the simple fact that she knows she is loved.

Flying to Indiana

I am overwhelmed by non-stop work days that have been full of meetings, interviewing for a new position, paperwork and constant interruptions. We are now taking off for a long weekend visit with Jerry's Mom in Marion, IN. I am more than ready to sit on the plane and take a deep breath - a sigh of relief really and just enjoy some quiet and good reading. The flight is crowded. The plane is small. I am in the midde seat (there should never be middle seats!) with Jerry on one side of me and a very big man on the other. His arm is on the arm rest that we share. Clearly, he was in my space. The flight is noisy. I start reading my Leadership book and am soon distracted by the conversation going on behind me. 2 strangers talking non-stop. She is in cancer reseach. Whatever he does includes a lot of travel. Me... I am just trying to ready my book. I cannot focus. I am ADD. The big man is also very "techie". His hands and fingers are in constant motion. Flipping things... manuvering his Ipod or is it his blackberry... constant motion. There is also a small child that loves to scream - rather screech and make us all know that he is over tired and needs a nap, as his Mother explains. I think it is time for a little pill.
Jerry is reading The Shack, and can some how block out the world. Good for him. I am so distracted and amazed at the fact that everyone is not like me. Why do people have to talk and make so much noise? I just turned the page in my book, and I have no clue what I just read! The 2 behind me are still talking, but at least now I know why there is so much chatter. The woman is afraid to fly, so she talks. That helps her keep her mind off that fact that we are 34,000 feet in the air. So -I am still seeking quiet and alone time with my book... but thank you Jesus that I have my feet safely on the ground in IN.

Random Thoughts...

1. I love shopping with my friend. I don't think I could really buy a thing without her. She knows what hangs well on me. We undressed a mannequin or 2 yesterday trying to find that sought after size 2. Calvin Klein.... Ann Taylor - all on sale!
2. A 21 year old saw me at the office this past week. He came in with a co-workers husband to drop off car keys. Once back in the elevator this 21 year old said to my coworkers husband, "who was the chick with the funkie hair and rockin' body"? Me!!?? I laughed so hard when I read that in am email the following morning. Though flattered, tell the 21 year old boy, I am 50 years old and could be his mama!
3. "Mom Judy's" email yesterday gave me a lot of "life". She is consistent in her love of me. She prays without ceasing. She encourages me with her words. She is a good example of how I want to be to my friends.
4. I was reading some old emails between Lauren and I from 2 years ago. We were then getting to know each other. She was covered up with anything that would protect her heart, and the friendship we were growing into would strip all that covering away. She got in touch with her heart and who she really was. It was a sweet, sweet time.
5. My parents are 75 and 86. They just got home from a bus trip to the Smokies. I chatted with both of them yesterday. They were so full of life and fun conversation. I am thankful they still get out to see the world and enjoy their days and live life. I want to be like that when I am older.
6. I love talking with Debbie Gee. She is one of the most hilarious people I know! She is unique.. and just oozes of herself. She doesn't have to do much to make me laugh! I just love her!
7. I love my yard. There is peace there. There are also a bunch of mushrooms in random places. Where and why do they decide to just pop up?
8. Jerry looks so awesome after 3 days of not shaving. I cannot convince him that he needs to look like this everyday!
9. I don't think I will shower today. I am comfortable in my favorite baggy shorts.. Nike T-shirt.. and a baseball cap. No gel for spiky hair... no make up. Just me being all natural.
10. Today is a day for naps..reading and some work.

a new day...

Yesterday was a "down" day emotionally.
My head hurt, I had no capacity to do much of anything.
I read, napped, did some laundry,
wandered back and forth outside. Even being in my yard did not fill
me as it usually does... it was just too hot.
By late afternoon I was convinced the depression I had
walked through the past 8 months was back.
Distorted thoughts were whirling in my head. I felt helpless against the mind games that were using my head as a playing field. Some tears fell and that seemed to help. This morning I have hope in my God, good coffee and am looking at a fresh new day. So far there are no games being played... the coffee is good... and the expectation of a shopping trip with my friend is filling my thoughts.

work and leadership

The last few weeks have been so full of work overload that there has not been much room in my brain for creative writing... or expression. I miss that. My thoughts have to be very focused for all that I run with at work, and that leaves little energy for being in touch with any creative thinking. My thoughts and my feelings are random...cluttered...words don't come out in the right order and for the most part I feel like I am high octane running from work thought to another work thought. It is okay. I love my job... I know I am being stretched and learning much about leadership.
These qualities are being worked on in my life as I journey through my job:

• Competence: it is the leader's ability to say it, plan it, and do it in such a way that others know that you know how - - and know they want to follow you.
• Discernment: smart leaders believe only half of what they hear. Discerning leaders know which half to believe.
• Passion: Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

I am embracing the journey....

The breeze

I am very tired from the week,
all i want to do is stop and "be".
I have to keep going and giving.
The breeze is blowing and it washed
over me - filling me and pushing the tiredness
from the all the cracks of my soul.
I will keep on.

A Duet... by jerry

My husband blessed me with some words in honor of my 50th birthday. To be viewed by him in this way is truly a gift worthy of embracing and celebrating!

A Duet

Wherever you go people are almost immediately charmed by your warm inviting melodies. Toes may begin to tap from a casual distant observer or even the occasional passerby. The passerby might pause asking with an inquisitive eye "Who wrote your music? I have been looking for some time but have not been able to have music like that of my own". They may continue on not having been satisfied with the answer they desired but none the less are aware of having heard something special. “Songs like that aren't written every day. I bet it's going to be a classic" they say to themselves.

People more fortunate... at times maybe presumptuously... counting themselves as an acquaintance, smile as they sing the chorus you play. They may not truly know each verse but still bellow the familiar parts with as much enthusiasm as one might conger; not with too much enthusiasm of course. Someone might be listening you know.

Others know your song well. It is one of their most favorite songs. They bought a recording many fond memories ago. Whenever they are feeling a little blue, they know their spirits will lift just by hearing you. It’s hard not to play it again and again... the recordings in good shape though. It will last a long time with loving care.

The most fortunate person of all though is the one granted the most special opportunity. This once in a lifetime engagement of wonderful melodies, exciting dynamics and outstanding beauty shares the stage as a duet. The instrument and the voice join in perfect harmony creating a heavenly made sound unique to themselves. Together they are able to transcend time and to be fortified with enduring love. And with this love... nothing of kingdoms and principalities from here to ever after can stand against it.

Thank you for allowing me to share a duet with you for the time we have on this life’s stage.

Happy 50th birthday to my special instrument and lifelong partner. Let the music play...

I love you.

His gentle correction...

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat "hung-over" from the busy work week. I was grateful to have been able to sleep past 6am, but still was not so sure I wanted to get out of bed. I finally pulled myself from the cozy environment of my sheets and pillow, and made my way downstairs to the coffee pot for some fresh brew. I plopped down in my favorite chair with coffee and my journal and begin writing. It had been a week! My work days are so full - I seem to be involved with everything going on there - I am being stretched - and it is okay. What is not okay is that I was not able to leave work at work once I left to come home for the evening. I was tight and in major work mode... making it very difficult for simple chit chat with my husband or my friend. I wanted to be left alone...I did not want to be asked questions about my day. I really wanted to come home and get back on email and keep working. That is crazy! Set it down KC! Walk away and it will all be there in the morning. So... I worked hard to let it go. I was able to do that towards the end of the week. How? I have to say it is a God thing. Often I ask him to help me "change" some kind of behavior that I know is not "good" for me or those around me... and I know I cannot do it. Then... I see that I have changed and I have to acknowledge that it was God doing his thing.. helping me walk in his ways and not mine. I am much more content and peaceful when my hand is clasped in his and my heart is open to his gentle correction.

The Shack

http://theshackbook.com

I read the book The Shack.
It was full of love and grace, and a wonderful picture of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit without any of them being in a "box". They were so unlike what most of us view them to be... or rather, Him to be. Him and Him and Him. 3 in 1. You know.
I cried as I read the last chapters.
Mack was changed... he was deeply loved, and he embraced that love from Papa (God), so he was able to heal from the devastating hurt that occurred in his life.
But before healing could come, he had to feel and let out that pain with cries that came from deep, deep down inside of his soul. And he had to be in a safe place to do that.
We are all broken and need that same healing.
Mending the broken pieces has been a path I have chosen to walk in my life.
One piece at a time.
God has put back into place some pieces that were broken, and also rearranged some of those pieces.
Cracks are still visible, but I am whole.
I think that is why I cried.
I know the place where Mack was walking and it is overwhelming.
Tears must come, and as they flow the hurt - the pain - the thoughts of wishing you could do it over all wash away - there is a newness and love abounds.
You know and believe you are loved.
You know and believe that your life matters.
You know and believe that the pain is worth it.
You know and believe that you are healed.
It is so good.

rain... encouragement

it's gently raining and we need the rain, so there is an excitement in my spirit as i watch the rain drops fall, and i want to yell with my face lifted towards the sky, "keep it coming"!
encouragement...
there is hope inside of me as i see the rain - finally my yard is wet and the grass is actually starting to look green and it does not crunch under the weight of my feet as i walk.
encouragement....
it is life giving breath that we give one another... like rain
we give hope and support to someone
we show our approval and that enables others to keep moving in this journey called life
encouragement...
it falls gently like rain drops on souls that are dry and empty
it wraps its arms around lonely people
the words spoken
the touch given
they become a part of that soul that has needed and desired another human being to care
and then they yell, with their face lifted towards the sky,
"keep it coming"!

friday.....

... the alarm went off and all i could think of was that it was friday... i would make it through one more day and then sleep in on saturday morning. i can do this!

i did not have time for breakfast at home, so i stopped at starbucks for a grande coffee and a bagel. i ordered my pikes place coffee and a mutli-grain bagel with cream cheese. the sweet girl behind the counter leaned forward and quietly told me that they did not have any cream cheese and she was so sorry. ok... can i have butter.. nope, did not have that either. ok - how about jelly? nope... peanut butter? nope. ok - i will take it plain. i told her it was okay... things could be worse... at least they had coffee.

i am so tired it just does not matter, and i have my coffee... the sun is shining... it is friday and tomorrow i get to sleep past the alarm.

Reconnecting...

I just recently had the opportunity to hear from some very special people in my life. It was my 50th birthday and my friend Lauren put together a book full of notes and cards from friends that have been in my life since I was in my 20's. Needless to say, it was a bit overwhelming to read through it. I found myself on the verge of crying before I even opened the book to read each one. There were tears and a flood full of memories that came racing back as I read all of their words. It is good to remember.
Remembering where I was as a young professional woman living alone in Maryland with virtually no friends and living most weekends talking to no one and crying tears of loneliness each night as I went off to sleep.
Remembering Carolyn and seeing something about her that I had never seen before. Spiritually, she was alive, and I wanted what she had.
Remembering sitting in church (they met at a school and I thought how odd that was) and having many "wow" moments as I heard Mike Minter talk through scripture and it actually made sense to me.
Remembering feeling like I had spiritually woken up. I was changed. It was good.
Remembering being single until I was 38, and although there was a season of struggling with that, I loved my life. I loved my friends and the journey I was on.
Remembering Jean and Dawn and all we lived through together as roommates. We laughed and cried from the bottom of our transparent hearts.
Remembering Sharry and how much I miss her and her zest for life!
Remember all the single women that came in and out of my life - as we walked together and I shared with them the best way I knew how to live... day by day... in the moment.
Remembering 3 little girls.. Jill, Jodi and Karen. Now they are grown women of 30, 29 and 27.
Remembering Susan Wells and T7E. She was bound up and together we were able to set her free to be who she was, and not who everyone thought she should be.
People were a part of my journey. Now, so many of them are tightly woven into my very being... a part of me. They have loved me and poured into me, and me into them.
I remember and there is a sense of belonging and satisfaction.
I remember, but I don't want that book of memories to be the end.
So, I keep walking trusting there are more memories to make and people to touch and love.... and another book to fill up.

loving lauren through depression...

Lauren had spent the weekend in our home. It was morning when i walked into her room and found her on the floor, in the corner by the window, with a pillow and blanket... and an expressionless face. She responded to my good morning, but i knew it was not going to be a good day. It had not been a good night. She had not slept... she was angry... she wanted to leave and just go home. She wanted to put everything back into a box and live the best she could. Without feelings. Without acknowledgement of her pain. The ache had been there a long time. She was letting it all come to the surface. It seemed too hard to let it all come out. She was broken. She knew it. I left her room when talking with her did not seem to bring her out of the dead place where she was. She was exhausted and said she would sleep and we could go to church. She would be here when we got home and then she would leave. I left the room to talk to jerry. We prayed. We did not leave to go to church. I let her sleep.

When i walked back into her room there was still that heavy feeling of pain and depression lingering in the air. It had not gone away. And Lauren had not slept. My words to her were matter of fact. "Jerry and I talked, and you are not going home. You are staying here until you are better. You are not going to be alone." She wanted to fight me about this decision we made without her--- and i was ready to fight her as well. She was not leaving. Period. At that moment, I know she did not like me. But I loved her and she was staying under our wing. As long as she needed to.

So it began. Lauren lived with us for 2 months. She became like a daughter to me. I loved her and cared for her more than I cared for myself - and at times more than I cared for my husband. She was broken, hurt, in pain and needed to be carried. I grew to know her pain very well and feel her ache. I cried over her when she had no tears. I prayed over her when she did not know where her God was. I loved her when she did not love herself.

I was learning to love lauren through her depression.

Getting to 50...

I can now say I have done the 50 thing.

I turned 50 on June 30th.

It did not hurt.

I still look the same and act the same.

I am not depressed.

It is okay.

But it took 6 months... or longer to get to that place of being okay with this aging process.

Getting older is a strange event.

One that we cannot stop,

and we can choose to embrace it or be depressed about it.

I allowed depression in this area for a season,

and that is only because I was already in a season of depression, so the aging thing just settled in nicely along side of my crappy mood.

What had I done with my life all these years.

I cannot live them over.

Have I made a difference at all in anyone's life?

Do I matter?

And what am I going to do now that I am older...

Blah blah blah

Medication has helped lift me from this pit.

Talking about my fear of aging with a dear friend has helped

loosen the grip of that hand that was tightly squeezing my heart,

and leaving it limp and without joy.

There is hope in every day I live.

Hope that I touch another life with my words,

my touch, my love.

I have no plans to do anything big. I have no script laid out to follow.

I walk in love and grace with my God and trust He uses me

as He desires....whether I am 50 or 31....or 51.

I try to live and love with an open hand and an open heart.

That is all I know how to do today.

And it is well with my soul.

done

activity
working
sweating in the sun
shoveling mulch
watering plants
digging
sweating some more
all for a purpose
the day
a celebration
it is over
success - yet not all that fulfilling
the work is done
beautiful
the activity has subsided
i sit, read, day dream
think, pray, wonder
enjoyment
the quiet is so good
yet, seems foreign
i need more
musings
write
be, keep living life
embracing the moments
fulfilling

the messes i make...

i decided i needed to share all of the messes i make,
and to make a note that my friend makes many of these as well...
it feels good to NOT be alone.
So....

• ice on the kitchen floor from getting a glass of water
• ice cream on the kitchen counter
• spilled diet cherry coke
• rice spilled in between the stove and the counter
• coffee drips going up the stairs...on the kitchen floor...on the back door going out to the porch
• coffee grinds on the kitchen floor
• graham cracker crumbs in the wee hours of the morning are bound to be found most any where!
• art stuff scattered about in different rooms
• paint stains in old coffee mugs
• tools (jerry's) left in the yard and not put away (i did it)
• weights not returned to their proper place after a work out (i did it)
• parmesan cheese in places where it should not be after making a pizza
• pizza crust on the stove and on the floor... (and in my mouth!)

Until i think of all the others... this is it. (i did it)

Moving too fast...

I run fast and hit things
I misjudge everything
I do not always think clearly
I hit things… by accident
I drop things and spill things,
I make messes...
I don’t mean to do these things…
It just happens.
I have not killed anyone,
but I have left “my” mark on several things.
My intentions for all that I do are usually pure,
and I do not mean to cause harm or frustration…
but sometimes I do.
The “wake” I leave sometimes brings with it the need to
repair.
So we repair.
I love nice things and do not mean to break them up.
So we repair.
I move fast through life and live deeply and with purpose,
and sometimes I just move too fast.
But it is me.
So we repair.
I don’t want to beat myself – but I will try to slow down.
And I will help repair.

A year later....

I often look back at the "wake" my life has left and see what is there. Recently when I have done that I see that the waters from a year ago have become calm, quiet and much less rough than they were. I am thankful. A year ago I was walking life out with a friend who was in the middle of depression.

She had made a major change in her life with leaving fundamentalism and she found out how lonely and dark it can be in that space between leaving and landing. She was in limbo. Not sure where her safe place was anymore... not sure of what was right and wrong, or even what sin was. And who is God and where is He anyway? Into the darkness she slid.

It was an evening in April when I stopped by her house on my way home from work to find her curled up in a ball on her sofa. She was despondent. She was empty. She was fragile. She was alone. She was in need. I packed her bags and loaded her in my car. She was coming home with me and she was staying with us until she could walk on her own again.

If only I knew then, what I know now.

If only I knew then that she was depressed and needed medication.

I did the best I knew how to do.

I loved her.

I prayed over her.

Many nights I layed by her side to quiet the anxiety inside of her so she would fall asleep.

Sleep often did not come until the morning hours.

She cried.

She was angry.

She was often inconsolable.

She was trapped.

I was tired.

But I loved her.

It was a long walk in the journey to becoming well.

The joy of today for me is to look back and see she survived the journey.

She is strong.

She is free.

She is a beautiful woman with a heart that has grown and healed...and continues to heal.

She has joy.

She loves.

She is loved.

impatience
it can turn me into an evil woman
no time for waiting or listening
move
now
stop talking!
leave me alone
i want quiet and space
this will pass
i pray

weekend living

patio landscaping
plants in pots
watering
late dinners
wine on the porch
shopping for a patio table and chairs
being hot
needing food and water
watching and praying for rain
only seeing clouds and hearing thunder in the distance
no rain
church
are you sleeping spiritually?
RoseAngela
more heat
more watering
napping and reading
missing lauren
moving big rocks
jerry being a major "boy"
dinner on the porch, late again
jerry talk time
we want relationship, not religion
the book Ragamuffin Gospel, and The Shack
sweet kisses
watch it get dark
a heavenly display of lightening and clouds
no rain
empty the bad food into the garbage
do the dishes
notice that there is still ironing to be done
oh well
heading to bed
reading
needing sleep
coffee is ready for the morning
all good

RoseAngela...

I have always loved music and listened to it
with my ears and my heart.
Music touches me deeply where nothing else reaches.
It is just how I am made. Music can take me to that place
where I feel like I will explode with emotion.
Music can make me weep.
I have experienced lots of different music over my years,
but I have to say that the music that really grabs my heart is music
that is sung by people who are spiritually in touch with their God and
have used the gift that He has given them to bless others.
There are the well known artists such as Sandi Patty, Jars of Clay
or Steven Curtis Chapman, and the well known artists to me
such as Susan Wells, Jean Sauer,
and RoseAngela.
Today it was RoseAngela who made me cry.
She sings at my church.
She opens her mouth and beautiful sounds gently,
yet powerfully come out of her. Her spirit sings.
She moves me and because of what she sings and how she sings it,
she causes me to look deep within myself and I see who I am
and I see who God wants me to be.
All in a moment.
I am changed.
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am encouraged.
I am loved.
I am me.
I am wanting to powerfully live this life I have.
I do not want to miss a thing.
I also want to hug RoseAngela.
She is a beauty. She is a gift.
Today she was used.
She was a vessel.
She was a sweet spirit refreshing my soul.

The year 1989

That is the official "birth" of my friendship with Dawnie.
We had lunch today on the porch - and it was sweet.
We lived much of our single years together, and now the season we are in is different.
Dawn has 2 little girls that are quickly growing up,
and rightfully so she spends most of her time with them...helping them grow up.
I miss Dawn.
I miss the depth of her soul in our normal conversations.
I miss how she always has the answers to my questions about most anything.
I have always told her that she would be my "phone a friend" if I was ever on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
I miss seeing her laugh so hard she "poots".
I miss holding her hand when we pray.
Dawn is nordic.
I think I have taught her how to really hug.
Sometimes I have to remind her to hug me tightly.
I never have to remind her to know me.
She knows me very well.
She has seen me up, down, without makeup, throwing up sick, wired shut and swollen from jaw surgery, and she saw my need for counseling when I was holding on to a part of my life that I needed to give to God.
We walk closely even when we don't see each other.
That is a true friend.
I know she would be there for me in a moment's notice.
I would be there for her as well.
I think I keep her young.
I think I make her laugh.
I know I love her deeply.

Planting by moonlight...

Tonight I dug a hole for a bush.... I actually dug 2 holes for 2 bushes. If I am really honest, Jerry dug the holes because I could not do it.
SC dirt is hard, very hard like concrete red clay.
Tried as hard as I could, the shovel barely went into the ground with my 120 pounds behind it.
Dirt like that is just wrong.
2 hours later we have holes.
Tonight Jerry is my hero.
Planting by moonlight can be romantic.

Rules and the weight room...

It is a face.... and mustache that is currently etched in my mind and will not let me go. She was old and "butch". (I am not trying to be nasty.. she really was!) She was our "welcome" to the women's work out correctional facility tonight at BJU. And although she did in reality extend grace tonight, that was not the feeling that was stuck in the air when we were there. Maybe that feeling hit me hard tonight because it was so out of the ordinary for me. I am much more accustom to pleasant faces... smiling... hi, how are you? We had broken a RULE regarding guests and that clearly did not settle well with this woman. She was going to make sure we knew that and she pulled out the rule book to prove it! I looked up from my leg presses to see her walking towards Lauren with a book opened up and she was poised ready to read. I just watched. I also watched 4 ladies on the corner mat "exercising" and gabbing like a group of chickens laying around sharing the latest news about eggs. They were really fun to watch. All 4 of them laying on their backs with their legs up on the wall. Not sure what they were doing, but they were exercising. They were laughing and enjoying one another in their own corner of the world. There was a 5th lady with them sitting in the corner with very cool red sneakers on - and she just smiled and held onto her purse watching. She may have already worked out and was waiting for a ride home. Not sure. It was an interesting night. I kept thinking how much I wanted to break free from that room tonight. I was angry... critical of the system... and marveled at how one woman can change the entire "feel" of a room. She was standing with her rules, all black and white and neatly displayed in her book. Even the weight room is run by the rules, and don't you forget it!

I walked to the car with Lauren thankful she is free from all that.

Cherishing life and people...

I was reading The Ragamuffin Gospel this morning by Brennan Manning, and I loved this line;

"The gospel portrait of Jesus is that of a person who cherished life and especially other people as loving gifts from the Father's hand."

Those words turned my thoughts to the many "gifts" God has given me with my friends. I have been showered with beautiful souls that have walked out life with me in various phases of my journey here on earth. Do I cherish my days and my people? I try to. Do I share with them what my heart feels... do they know they are loved and that they make a difference in my life?
I hope so.

Random words....

I made my bed this morning and in spite of not being able to find a thing to wear without trying on several outfits and tossing them aside on the floor... my day will be put together because when I come home tonight - my bed will be made.
I love hard boiled eggs for breakfast.
Slow drivers were making me crazy this morning. I felt very Northern Virginia-ish and wanted to lay on the horn several times.
Several of my potted plants "pee" when I water them. I need some big saucers.
I love my boss. He said I looked "colorful" today. It is the big beaded multi-colored necklace that provokes a comment like that.
Lauren is all done with school and is officially on vacation. I am extremely jealous. She deserves a long break! I could not do what she does.
Jerry is full of ideas for the yard, patio and irrigation. We have lots to do.
I want rain.
I miss Dawnie.
So many people making walking life out with Jesus so difficult. We chatted this morning and it is really very simple. It is all about the relationship and not the rules. It is about love and grace. I don't want to live in a box or be like everyone else... or wear a label. I want to be KC.
I need to go clothes shopping in a bad way.
Office coffee is okay today.
Life is good. I love my husband and my friends..... and they love me.

girl friends

I visited Asheville, NC this past weekend with two close girl friends.

The memories made will be plastered on my mind and settled down in the very depths of my heart for a long time. I am blessed to have close girl friends, and to be a close girl friend to others.
Some thoughts on girl friends:
laughter comes easily;

tears can rise to the surface from deep crevasses in your heart with just a look;
being silly is very normal;
girl friends take care of each other
in all phases of life and emotional well being;
girl friends accept the hormonal swing of PMS, or peri-menopause - depending on where you are in your life cycle of woman-hood;
girl friends make allowances for passing gas, farts or poots - whatever name you choose for that activity;
girl friends drink good coffee and good wine with you, depending on the time of day;
girl friends love you through all your emotional junk and hang-ups;
they love you when you are unloveable,
they build you up;
they hold you;
they encourage you;
they talk straight to you when you need to hear the truth;

girl friends can be older than you, or younger than you;
girl friends stay close by when you need them to,
and they give you space to let you grow;

girl friends walk into your closet and make you throw things out that you should not be seen wearing;

girl friends love your husband, and they understand you really do not want to divorce him even though he is making you crazy;

girl friends cry when you cry;

girl friends hold your hand, when no one else will;

girl friends sacrifice their time and energy for you;

they teach you how to love unconditionally;
I can imagine life without a lot of things,
I cannot imagine life without my girl friends;
I can be "me" without having to explain myself.

lip balm

I just saw my friends lip balm.
She's addicted to it.
There are many things she could be addicted to, so I don't discourage this addiction...
I just smile and tell her she has an addiction.

It has been a morning
stayed home to take care of some yard stuff in anticipation of a new patio
3 pots of coffee later and i have yet to have a "good" cup of coffee
what is that about coffee at home
i make it the same every morning
some mornings it is yummy enough to swim in
other mornings i just as soon wash my car with it
i do NOT understand that
loving the yard this morning
trimmed the rose bush that was big enough to reach out and grab innocent by standers
anticipating tonight
we will be hurrying to get the yard ready for the patio men who arrive tomorrow
then we will realize we need to pack for our trip to Savannah this weekend
then we will notice that the clothes we need are in the laundry and
i will not have prepared a thing to eat for dinner
laundry and Chinese food
it will be a quiet night of craziness

Wanting to write...

Frustrated this morning as I want to sit on my porch,
drink good coffee
feel the cool morning breeze
let my thoughts wander
then write what is on my heart.
There is much there,
but it will have to wait.

wandering...

I just came in from wandering in my yard this morning.
That can usually be a very settling spiritual time for me, but this morning it was full of scattered thoughts and prayers and wanderings in my mind. The grass was wet - the air was cool - birds were happy - the creek water was flowing stronger than usual due to the rain last night. I took it all in hoping and praying something would fill me.
I hate this lonely place.
I am never quite sure why I arrive at this place, or why the loneliness finds me.
Usually, I am filled with joy - happy with the course of a usual day.
It all began yesterday, when loneliness and emptiness arrived on the scene in my heart.
Nothing satisfies.
Everything is just not quiet right, including me.
I am not feeling "KC".
I fear the stench of my "nothing is right" attitude will cause even my closet friend to run.
So I pull inward and try to be quiet - but I can't. I cannot find quiet.
I cannot find anywhere inside myself where I am able to rest. Everywhere is dark and empty.
I whomp it up and go through the motions of shopping and dinner.
I crawl under my sheets and pray that God will breath life in me while I sleep and that I will wake up in the morning and all of these feelings will have decided to go bother someone else.
I go to sleep holding onto hope.
I still have hope. If I lose that, I am down in the pit for sure.
I have no answers for all the why's.
I think I may need a hug.

drifting...

Have you ever known someone who is drifting
unattached
not connected
alone
no safe place to land
no one that really knows you
no one that really looks at your heart and embraces your uniqueness
no safe place to love or be loved
I knew one like this, but she landed 2 years ago
I walked into her path
I found her heart behind several thick walls
she discovered a safe place
her heart is beautiful, unique, and now exposing who she really is
some pain and scars are housed there, like all of us
but she is anchored, yet free
she is not drifting
she is walking
she has come home

"cause you have been drifting for so long, I know you don't want to come down. But somewhere below you there's people who love you and they're waiting for you to come home please come home" - Sarah McLachlan

PMS and Church

So, I woke up this morning and knew it was going to be a "PMS" kind of day. You know the kind. Your emotions are one moment what you call "normal" and the next minute you want to hit anyone or anything you can find and EVERY single word that comes out of your husband's mouth is irritating! My goodness he never talks this much until I am "this way" and then suddenly he wants to speak all of his stored up words that make me crazy! And why does he want to tap his hand up and down the music on the radio as he touches my leg? Just keep your hand in one place or move it! I finally tell him as we are riding on our way to church, that I am in "this way" and I love him, but I may not want to interact - talk very much with him today. I have learned this is important for our marriage.

Church.
Why is it in church of all places I can be so challenged to love and be nice and feel happy about being some place to worship my God and pour all my admiration out for Him? So - first Jerry, my beloved husband decided to park in the area where EVERYONE parks at New Spring instead of where I like to park for an easy exit. I said nothing, but I can tell you that I burned on the inside fully realizing that my hormones were falling all over the floor of our car and running up the steering wheel and smacking Jerry in the face. But I said nothing. Really... I said nothing! Then we walked into the sanctuary and I thought Jerry was leading me down front to meet the pastor or ask to help lead worship, or maybe he thought I needed to sit in the front row so I would pay attention. Geez! Can we just sit down here!? We finally find our seat after walking over top of 20 people who refused to move their knees and gives us any wiggle room. Once seated all I could smell is used up already been inhaled cigarette smoke. Grrrr. I look at Jerry and he knows without asking that I want to move. The Queen is near explosion. We excuse ourselves and walk over top of 5 more people to make our way up the aisle and we both decide it would be a nice Sunday to try sitting in the back. We have found our spot! I take a deep breath and try to feel "normal". With that, comes the music to our count down (5 minutes until we start the service) and today that meant 5 minutes of very loud, rap music. What in the world are they thinking! Are we in the right place? Is this church? Again - I am "in a way"! Why do we go to this church. I hate church! I would have so enjoyed staying home and sitting in my chair all alone... drinking my coffee with my hormones all tucked away and reading. Alone! The music ends. Yeah... let's get through this. The lights go dim and there is quiet. The next sound is a very, very loud music note that jolts even Jerry - and then that is followed by other loud music notes and I just close my eyes and want to cry. I made it through the service. I know Pastor Perry said some good things. One that I particularly remember and am thankful for - God is our Father and He loves us no matter what. On a day when I am "that way", these are good words to hear.

On being perfect...

Perfect - entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.
Perfect - to make flawless or faultless.
I , for one think this word should only be applied to things like trees, flowers, mountains, the ocean and it's tide coming in and out, the rose bloom in all it's glory, the taste of a fine wine or the smell of steak cooking on the grill. These things can be said to be "perfect".
People... can people be perfect? Perfect in whose eyes? Family... friends...God's eyes?
What a terrible challenge to even try to gain perfection. I am exhausted thinking about it.
Always, you would have to right.
Never wrong or unsure of yourself.
Always, you would want to look like you just walked out of a magazine...wearing the "right" clothes, put together with the "right" make-up and of course acting appropriately in all situations. And who says what is "right" anyway! There would be NO room for discouragement, anger, complaining, depression, feeling sorry for myself, or wanting to have a pity party and just be selfish. I could not be messy - sloppy - run around like I do on most Saturdays without make-up and my favorite baggy jeans, baseball cap and shirt hanging out as I work in the yard.
I am confident that perfection has a companion.
Loneliness.
I would be so "put together" that I would not need a friend to encourage me or challenge me to grow (I would do that all on my own), I would not need a spouse to love me (that would be selfish), I would not have the freedom to "feel" what is going on in my heart, and thus learn and grow emotionally. Yep - I would be a machine, void of feelings and untouched by other humans. I would not need their touch, although I may ache for it.
I desire to be "not perfect"....
I am me.
I love the best that I can and that is not perfectly.
I embrace all my emotions and feelings... I fall apart and let my friends pick me up. I cry. I weep. I get angry and I laugh. I live life and even fall down into a pit from time to time and climb back out... and that does not look pretty. I don't try to be perfect. I try to be real. I give love . I let others see my blemishes and imperfections, and give them a challenge to love me in return.

Yes - perfect is not for people. It is for wine and food.

15 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Good, strong, full flavored coffee in the morning... with just a touch of cream.

2. Jerry - when he has worked in the yard all day, comes in and showers - puts on a fresh T-shirt and jeans - splashes on Eternity - arrives down stairs and hugs me while I am enjoying a glass of wine and cooking dinner. He smells so so so good!

3. Walking in my yard early on a Saturday morning with that good cup of coffee. Seeing all my trees and plants - taking notice of how much they have grown. Drinking in the sound of the creek running over the rocks.

4. Arriving at work to realize that I am actually thinking and working with a clear mind!

5. Clothes shopping with Lauren and watching her flip through all the racks pulling out items and speaking with confidence, "this would look great on you KC"! (and it usually does!)

6. Being a size 2

7. Sitting on our porch and sharing a meal with Jerry and Lauren - and enjoying good wine.

8. Napping on the sofa in the sunroom.

9. Going to bed at night - crawling under crisp sheets... and reading.

10. Soaking in the tub with the window open and feeling the cool breeze blow.

11. Talking with Jean on the phone and laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.

12. Planting new plants in big pots for the porch.

13. Doing art with Lauren and actually making something worth while!

14. Working on my castings - my breastplate and "back side".

15. Eating a salad with tuna, goat cheese, almonds and grapes.

"Saving Grace"

It's Saturday morning... one of my favorite mornings.
I can sleep as long as I want to (this morning it was 6:45 - go figure!) and then I very quickly embrace the idea of coming downstairs to make fresh coffee. It is the simple things that mean so much. This morning I brewed "saving grace" - by Ugly Mug. I open the kitchen window to hear birds singing in harmony their favorite songs and I wonder why they are so happy. Leaves are finally birthing on our maple trees and the smell of grass is in the air.
It is going to be a grand day!

Those shoes we wear...

I am just back from my favorite place to buy a wrap for lunch and now that I am in the privacy of my office, with the door shut... I can kick off my shoes! OHHHH - the price I pay for being stylish with the right clothes and the right shoes. My feet are killing me! Dang - they hurt! (That is said in true southern style)

But - today my shoes do indeed look very good today! Hot! They are purple-ish/blue, patent leather and very high heels. EVERYONE loves these shoes. I feel so classy and sheik walking down the hallway - clicking along at a pace that only Charles Gouch can stay with. The shoes make the outfit. It does however come at a cost. In between meetings and outings where I clickity - click down the hallway, I kick these things off my little feet and let them air out and have room to "be". I desire a foot massage right now. "honey"?!!

Let me also say that today I have cleavage. Foot cleavage. Sexy too. I look down at those squished little toes shoved into the narrowest part of the shoe and I see cleavage. Bob Dean says this is sexy and not allowed in Government offices. Umm... I will take cleavage in any way, shape or form.

Off to eat my wrap, wiggle my toes and assure them it is all worth it .

Healing

talk, talk, talk
dig deep
remember and admit
get it all out
push it out from the core
it's all been buried
deeply
know and believe it is over
gone
behind you
not going back
protection
covered
grace
deep healing

Essay on boobs

So - I have thought for some time about writing these words about boobs...or you may call them breasts or "the girls". Mine are small. Very small, so you can imagine that I can have a lot to say about something that I have not been blessed with. Don't we always want what we do not have. I have often really wondered if the "boob" gene was accidentally over looked when I was being formed in my Mother's womb. But then that would mean I was not perfectly formed... and I was.

I often live my days walking through life and all I see are breasts walking towards me, starring at me. Well, some are perky and looking straight at me... others are sagging and in much need of support. They must tire of always looking down! Some... have not a hope of ever being put back in their "normal" place. There is too much of them. Even the best under wire, support bra just cannot keep them up! I have been told that small breasts are a benefit. My feet get clean in the shower... i can run fast without all that bouncing... clothes hang on me well. And I guess all of that is true.

Boobs... I am learning to accept them as a part of me and embrace my "smallness". They are cute... they are firm... they are perky...they will probably never sag. This is good! They do fit my athletic body which is really not that curvy, and very low in body fat. OK, this is good. Very good.

I read recently that a couple studies were done where women visualized their breasts under a warm blanket, and the end result was that they got larger boobs! Up to an inch and a half! I am working on my visualization... nothing has happened yet. Maybe I need a warmer blanket! I will let the world know if I go up in a bra size!

Boobs. I am accepting the fact that at 49 years of age I will probably not grow them any bigger. Although many friends in my life have told me that once I hit 40, things will change. I will gain weight, get fat and grow boobs. Not me. I am still lean and small.

A woman's breast. It is a sensual part of our bodies. It is a the natural place where you draw a loved one to as you give comfort. As a woman I love the feeling of drawing a friend close to my chest for comfort. I feel like I am giving Motherly love and that is a gift. I have not birthed a child.

I think I am still learning to love these boobs of mine. Slowly, I think I am really becoming okay with these "nearly A's". It is time.

Breasts, boobs, the girls.... they are a part of me and make me who I am. It's all okay.

Morning chat in the rain

It started raining here this morning. It was suppose to not rain until the afternoon so it threw a wrench into my plans for the day. Regardless, I decided to head outside and weed and tend to my yard. I talked to my friend while weeding. That is the beauty of ear pieces and cell phones. You can talk any where... any time.
I love these unexpected chats with my friend. We go deep and talk feelings and are safe to say whatever is going on in our heart. There are no walls or rules. Just talk. Listening.
The rain is even welcoming, some what.
Watering the earth, my plants and bringing them refreshment.
We talk and our souls are refreshed and encouraged.
As I pull weeds that are choking out new growth in my plants,
my friend pulls up weeds from deep down in her heart that for years has choked out more life than she has ever realized. She is now feeling the pain from all that choking.
She draws close to that place where she is safe and lets the rain wash over her.
We both are breathing fresh air this morning.
We rest in being known.
We love and are loved.

Quiet

This morning a friend shared some thoughts.
She had been writing, and feelings were flowing.
I listened and then started to speak...share...
I should have just listened.
Sometimes the blessing of listening, and then being quiet is a gift you give.
I am learning that as I walk with this friend.
There is so much inside of her that has been locked away.
As she talks, I listen. Embrace her words. Done. Enough.
Giving the gift of quiet.

Out of the pit

Pit living...
It is the pits!
I sat at the bottom of one this week,
tied up with ropes of past hurt and memories.
Bondage.
There was no freedom,
there was no fresh air.
Release came as words were spoken.
My eyes let the tears flow that had been safely held there.
Vulnerable.
Trusting.
I am out of that pit now.
Joy is back taking it's familiar seat in my heart.
Full.
I am back.

jealously

Jealously is such a bad place to visit
"feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages"
I seem to visit that place every now and again, whether I want to or not
I just go there
I hate it when I visit there
I know I should not be there, I know better
but I go there
I try not to stay long
It hurts too much
it smells of rubbish and ruin
it is not pleasant
there is no joy
no love
my time there makes me want to cry
I am left alone with my feelings
sad - lonely - not fulfilled - wanting more
So I pack up and leave
and pray I don't go there again
but I have a feeling I will

love and be loved...

Thoughts rolling in my head this morning
what is truth
what needs to be pursued
what can be left by the roadside as i keep walking
i ponder
where i have been
where i am going
where am i going?
does someone have to be right when it comes to spiritual beliefs
or are we just called to love one another
nothing more ...nothing less
let the truth be the truth
let it find us
love and be loved

Trees...leaves... and friendship

Trees
leaves
canopy of shade
roots that grow deep into the soil
friends...
I have had and have a variety of friends in my life over the years,
and now that i am approaching 50 years of living, i feel like talking about them...
how i may have affected them and their lives,
how they challenged me to grow,
how together we shared love and the gift of walking very intimately together as women.
friends...
they could be called "trees"
there are times when they provide shade from scorching days,
and other times when they provide nothing at all...their leaves have dropped and you feel very alone.
i have lived through all the seasons
shade... a full covering of leaves... watching them change color and wave in the breeze.
my friends in VA were abundant
some gave me shade... some i gave shade to,
we laughed and cried and shared our hearts as only women know how to do...
i grew in my ability to love and encourage
that is what i love to do... i die inside without being able to touch women's hearts.
my roots were deep in the VA soil of love and friendship.... safe... secure... loved.
alone,
moving to SC was very hard
lonely... empty... uncovered,
no friends
my roots had been dug up in that move and now they dangled in the air, being scorched by the sun, with no real fertile soil to grow down in ... i needed water... i needed some soil... i needed a friend.
i was no longer a tree offering shade to anyone,
my roots were drying up
i was dying inside...
i remember the day i met my new friend,
i loved her almost immediately,
her heart was kind... her brown eyes sparkled... she had a beautiful smile,
she would be one who would need my shelter,
she would be a place where my roots could grow deep into the same soil her roots were in,
we would share days together... life together,
we would walk through some dark days and days full of nothing but deep, full living of life,
we would both grow and change,
my roots were deep and covered
i would be able to touch a heart
i would grow leaves and blow in the breeze, and embrace life
i would love and be loved by my friend

Saturday Reflections...

Books....
They are full of words that give life, direction, encouragement, entertainment and a place to "go away".
I have only recently really embraced the gift of reading books. (thanks ya ya!)
I do not know why as a child I was not encouraged to read more. I wish I had been.
But, I was very busy playing outside... football with my brother, basketball with my brother and riding my mini bike around the 250 acres of land where I lived. Reading books and playing barbie dolls seemed so boring. Something my sister did... not me. Not enough "action"!
I know better now.
I have a pile of books today that are laying in front of me on the floor.
Calling them "my favorites".
It's good to have books laying at your feet that you can curl up with and become friends.
They require nothing from you. Only that you pick them up and read them. Read their words.
And you can put them down - stick them back on a shelf - share them with a friend - or give them away whenever you wish.
My books ... we are just beginning to share a special relationship.

My Jerry

Jerry
he may not be perfect
but he is perfect for me
he is steady, even, not too up and not too down
he balances me with my ups and downs
does he complete me?
no
I hate it when we try to find someone that will complete us
Completion needs to come from within ourselves as we seek
healing in that place deep down inside us - locked away behind closed doors where all of our fears, hurt and insecurities hide
I don't want Jerry to have that job of completing me
I want him to compliment me
I want to compliment him
I want to lean on him as I prop him up with my words and my prayers
He is the most sensitive man I know
Tears come easy

His touch is gentle
He is manly enough to feel
I celebrate that

I celebrate Jerry
I love him

ummm...

How can it "be" that one minute I can be functioning "normal" and the next minute I want to scream and yell, and then lay my head down and cry?
Well... normal is such a relative word.
What IS normal?
Webster states, "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural."
I am not really sure I want to be "usual" anyway - do you?
So boring and uneventful.
No color
No wind
No breath
Stillness
Death...
I will embrace all forms of emotion that seem to run through my very body these days.
Grabbing my heart and pulsing with it's every beat.
It is fun! right?
A journey! On a trail...unpacking and talking.
Wheee!
Wine helps.
Whining helps.
Being embraced by big arms and feeling a masculine chest underneath my head helps. Safety.
Laying my head on a friend's lap is the most soothing.
Freedom to cry.
Sob.
Girls just know.
We take care of each other.
Hearts connected.
Laughing
loving
listening
Life is good.