No Other Gods...

So... yesterday i was browsing in my local Christian Book store and came upon a new book, "No Other Gods", by Kelly Minter. (Kelly is a friend of mine that i have known since she was 17 years old. This is her second book and like her father, she is an amazing communicator.) I had been in a very dark place having come down off of meds and quickly seeing that I needed to get back on them. I was having all sorts of dark and distorted feelings... if you have been there, you know the place I am talking about. Without a second thought i quickly purchased her book and got into my car... locked the door... and read the 1st chapter. Her words grabbed my heart. It was good. Refreshing. I later hit bottom with a friend... praying and emptying to God all my crap... all the junk in my heart that He was showing me. After about 5 tissues were used and thrown on the floor.. i was done. What was all that crap and junk? I am still not sure. There are fears and a host of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It was liberating to unload them. My friend and I walked... and then I headed home. I read more of Kelly's book in bed before sleep. I read more this morning before work. She talks about an idol being anything we love and pursue in place of God... it can come in the form of an over-attachment to something... it's taking a good thing and making it an ultimate thing...I know i am capable of walking in those places. There was a huge release and freedom in coming through that time of crying and praying last night. I am lighter and don't feel quite as dysfunctional (i hate that word!) as I did yesterday. Then there is the HUGE thought... how much of this is depression... peri-menopause... and sin? I tire of thinking about it so i just throw it all out there for the Lord to sort through in me. Bottom line... there is peace today.

the cream sofa

Have you ever stopped to think about all the "life" that is lived out on a piece of furniture? I had those thoughts recently when i looked at "our" cream sofa that is now living at Lauren's house. It is a wrap sofa with cozy cushions and lots of seating room. We passed the sofa on to our dear friend last year when we upgraded to a new wrap sofa. So many memories have been made on those cushions.
Jerry and KC movie night every Friday night
Naps and more naps
Watching football
Curling up and finding comfort when sick
A place to sit for girls friends enjoying wine and cheese
Being covered up, packed up and moved to Greenville
Living in storage for 3 months..in darkness
Being a safe, cozy place for a friend to talk
Holding onto me as i held onto a friend crying tears
A place for "family time" with talking and laughing
Moving to 6 Blythewood Dr.
New material covering all the worn cushions
Colorful pillows
Warmth all over the place
Girls night on Thursday night
More tears
Lots of laugher and serious talking
If furniture could speak... this cream sofa would have stories to share

... darkness, emptiness and loneliness,
they surround me today in all their glory.
alone in my thoughts - emotions attached to my every move.
tears fall from an empty heart.
a friend who understands.
i am clinging and holding on...

the week...

The week... a whirlwind of emotions. All over the place. Up. Down. Angry. Emotional. Flat lined. Unable to focus. I am believing it will get better and these days will not have to be lived again.

There is a hint of fresh air being blown around as I see God's hand at work. He is always at work whether we see His work or not, but there is life breathed into me when I am allowed to see what He is doing up close and personal. I see that today in 2 friend's lives. One is experiencing a newness in her relationship with God, and seeing that He is not the God of the "box" that she grew up believing in. She knows He is much much bigger than that. She has been broken... and she has been healed. There is a beauty and freshness about her now that is new. She is herself, not what other people wanted her to be. She is walking out her life - with her God. In another friends life, He is cutting deeply and gently taking his hand and pulling up to the surface past pain. She is broken. She is spilled out. She is learning to be vulnerable. She sat with me over coffee last week and we talked... I listened... she let tears fall from her big brown eyes. God is working in her... healing her. She knows that - and she is listening and walking with Him. Her hands are open and turned upward. She knows this is what she needs. I love the gift of walking with her. I know where she is right now. I know the hurt. I have cried those tears. I have felt the relief of letting the hurt out through the tears. I know the hope of tomorrow. I know the hope that is in Jesus... and His touch. Whether God is using me or not, I embrace this journey of hiking with her. I have done this before. I know that in the end there is a real-ness that shines through the spirit of those that have let their Maker break them... and put them back together. You are never the same. You have embraced the pain, and you have seen the cleansing power of tears and you have felt the healing power of your God. It is so well with your soul.

I want to be a Ragamuffin...

"Lord Jesus, I put my fears aside today and open my heart to you in trust." I just read these words in the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning. It has taken me a long time to read through this book. His words cut deeply - they are not fluff. I am still reading it and will more than likely read it again and again, but I know that I want to be a Ragamuffin.

• Ragamuffins are simple, direct and honest.
• They are not saints, but they seek spiritual growth.
• They accept counsel and constructive criticism with ease.
• They stumble often, but they do not spend endless hours in self-recrimination.
• They repent quickly.
• They offer their broken moments to God.
• Long prayers and big words do not suit ragamuffins.
• The worshiping ragamuffin will not be mummified in middle age by living in the past and refusing to attend to the present.
• God's name is Mercy, for the Ragamuffin.

Yes, I want to be a Ragamuffin kind of gal. It is a journey. I am trusting. I am walking.

Date night...

I had a date last night with Jerry.
We went to the Roper Mt. observatory, and it was fun. In spite of my brain being full from a very stressful week at work, I did enjoy looking at "fake" stars while reclining in nice chairs. Most of the words shared by the teacher doing this presentation sounded like "wah wah wah wah" and I can not begin to tell you what she said. My brain was so full, actually overloaded and spilling out from a full week of stress and noise: lawyer conversations, terminated employee conversation, letters written, IT issues, Wireless access point issues, moving computers and boxing up papers, new carpeting being laid, new employee orientation, paper work, piles, thinking about my 2009 goals and initiatives for the company, VP talks, IRS paper work, TSJ irritations, coaching Betsy, and where do we go to church? There was just no more room to learn about stars, Jupiter and constellations. I did find out that the very bright "star" that we see all the time in the southern sky when we are on our patio is not a star at all.... it is Jupiter. That was worth all the "wah wah wah" noise.