empty spaces.. empty places...

what becomes of the empty spaces...
the empty places...
when something is gone and is no more,
what do i do with the hole that is left.
i have to trust that God will shovel some fertile
soil in that hole and mix it up with His love,
and grace,
and breathe His life into that place.
i hate the empty places and spaces.
the void,
the tears that rise up from that hole in unexpected ways,
and times.
growing, learning, trusting and loving deeply...

losing... gaining...

so much right now feels like it is changing and has been for awhile.
i cannot seem to find my rhythm.
things that used to fit, don't fit anymore.
my heart is not satisfied,
and seems to hurt more than it feels joy.
it was such a rough week with lauren.
i hurt her.
then in response to her hurt,
she hurt me.
it was messy, but we walked through it.
we are moving.
and in the moving it "feels" like i am losing,
i keep losing.
i don't know where i fit anymore.
i want to add and gain something...

familiarity...

i visited
history is shared
i love the familiarity of being known.
i was filled to overflowing in just seeing their faces,
and embracing them.
can you save the love that overflows;
the love that you cannot contain because you are full,
and have it wrap it's arms around you when the emptiness shows up again.
or can it be bottled, put on a shelf and opened up on a "down" day.
maybe the "extra" love settles down in the deep crevasses of my heart
and is remembered and pull out as a memory and held closely.
i am pulling it out today.