15 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Good, strong, full flavored coffee in the morning... with just a touch of cream.

2. Jerry - when he has worked in the yard all day, comes in and showers - puts on a fresh T-shirt and jeans - splashes on Eternity - arrives down stairs and hugs me while I am enjoying a glass of wine and cooking dinner. He smells so so so good!

3. Walking in my yard early on a Saturday morning with that good cup of coffee. Seeing all my trees and plants - taking notice of how much they have grown. Drinking in the sound of the creek running over the rocks.

4. Arriving at work to realize that I am actually thinking and working with a clear mind!

5. Clothes shopping with Lauren and watching her flip through all the racks pulling out items and speaking with confidence, "this would look great on you KC"! (and it usually does!)

6. Being a size 2

7. Sitting on our porch and sharing a meal with Jerry and Lauren - and enjoying good wine.

8. Napping on the sofa in the sunroom.

9. Going to bed at night - crawling under crisp sheets... and reading.

10. Soaking in the tub with the window open and feeling the cool breeze blow.

11. Talking with Jean on the phone and laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.

12. Planting new plants in big pots for the porch.

13. Doing art with Lauren and actually making something worth while!

14. Working on my castings - my breastplate and "back side".

15. Eating a salad with tuna, goat cheese, almonds and grapes.

"Saving Grace"

It's Saturday morning... one of my favorite mornings.
I can sleep as long as I want to (this morning it was 6:45 - go figure!) and then I very quickly embrace the idea of coming downstairs to make fresh coffee. It is the simple things that mean so much. This morning I brewed "saving grace" - by Ugly Mug. I open the kitchen window to hear birds singing in harmony their favorite songs and I wonder why they are so happy. Leaves are finally birthing on our maple trees and the smell of grass is in the air.
It is going to be a grand day!

Those shoes we wear...

I am just back from my favorite place to buy a wrap for lunch and now that I am in the privacy of my office, with the door shut... I can kick off my shoes! OHHHH - the price I pay for being stylish with the right clothes and the right shoes. My feet are killing me! Dang - they hurt! (That is said in true southern style)

But - today my shoes do indeed look very good today! Hot! They are purple-ish/blue, patent leather and very high heels. EVERYONE loves these shoes. I feel so classy and sheik walking down the hallway - clicking along at a pace that only Charles Gouch can stay with. The shoes make the outfit. It does however come at a cost. In between meetings and outings where I clickity - click down the hallway, I kick these things off my little feet and let them air out and have room to "be". I desire a foot massage right now. "honey"?!!

Let me also say that today I have cleavage. Foot cleavage. Sexy too. I look down at those squished little toes shoved into the narrowest part of the shoe and I see cleavage. Bob Dean says this is sexy and not allowed in Government offices. Umm... I will take cleavage in any way, shape or form.

Off to eat my wrap, wiggle my toes and assure them it is all worth it .

Healing

talk, talk, talk
dig deep
remember and admit
get it all out
push it out from the core
it's all been buried
deeply
know and believe it is over
gone
behind you
not going back
protection
covered
grace
deep healing

Essay on boobs

So - I have thought for some time about writing these words about boobs...or you may call them breasts or "the girls". Mine are small. Very small, so you can imagine that I can have a lot to say about something that I have not been blessed with. Don't we always want what we do not have. I have often really wondered if the "boob" gene was accidentally over looked when I was being formed in my Mother's womb. But then that would mean I was not perfectly formed... and I was.

I often live my days walking through life and all I see are breasts walking towards me, starring at me. Well, some are perky and looking straight at me... others are sagging and in much need of support. They must tire of always looking down! Some... have not a hope of ever being put back in their "normal" place. There is too much of them. Even the best under wire, support bra just cannot keep them up! I have been told that small breasts are a benefit. My feet get clean in the shower... i can run fast without all that bouncing... clothes hang on me well. And I guess all of that is true.

Boobs... I am learning to accept them as a part of me and embrace my "smallness". They are cute... they are firm... they are perky...they will probably never sag. This is good! They do fit my athletic body which is really not that curvy, and very low in body fat. OK, this is good. Very good.

I read recently that a couple studies were done where women visualized their breasts under a warm blanket, and the end result was that they got larger boobs! Up to an inch and a half! I am working on my visualization... nothing has happened yet. Maybe I need a warmer blanket! I will let the world know if I go up in a bra size!

Boobs. I am accepting the fact that at 49 years of age I will probably not grow them any bigger. Although many friends in my life have told me that once I hit 40, things will change. I will gain weight, get fat and grow boobs. Not me. I am still lean and small.

A woman's breast. It is a sensual part of our bodies. It is a the natural place where you draw a loved one to as you give comfort. As a woman I love the feeling of drawing a friend close to my chest for comfort. I feel like I am giving Motherly love and that is a gift. I have not birthed a child.

I think I am still learning to love these boobs of mine. Slowly, I think I am really becoming okay with these "nearly A's". It is time.

Breasts, boobs, the girls.... they are a part of me and make me who I am. It's all okay.

Morning chat in the rain

It started raining here this morning. It was suppose to not rain until the afternoon so it threw a wrench into my plans for the day. Regardless, I decided to head outside and weed and tend to my yard. I talked to my friend while weeding. That is the beauty of ear pieces and cell phones. You can talk any where... any time.
I love these unexpected chats with my friend. We go deep and talk feelings and are safe to say whatever is going on in our heart. There are no walls or rules. Just talk. Listening.
The rain is even welcoming, some what.
Watering the earth, my plants and bringing them refreshment.
We talk and our souls are refreshed and encouraged.
As I pull weeds that are choking out new growth in my plants,
my friend pulls up weeds from deep down in her heart that for years has choked out more life than she has ever realized. She is now feeling the pain from all that choking.
She draws close to that place where she is safe and lets the rain wash over her.
We both are breathing fresh air this morning.
We rest in being known.
We love and are loved.

Quiet

This morning a friend shared some thoughts.
She had been writing, and feelings were flowing.
I listened and then started to speak...share...
I should have just listened.
Sometimes the blessing of listening, and then being quiet is a gift you give.
I am learning that as I walk with this friend.
There is so much inside of her that has been locked away.
As she talks, I listen. Embrace her words. Done. Enough.
Giving the gift of quiet.

Out of the pit

Pit living...
It is the pits!
I sat at the bottom of one this week,
tied up with ropes of past hurt and memories.
Bondage.
There was no freedom,
there was no fresh air.
Release came as words were spoken.
My eyes let the tears flow that had been safely held there.
Vulnerable.
Trusting.
I am out of that pit now.
Joy is back taking it's familiar seat in my heart.
Full.
I am back.

jealously

Jealously is such a bad place to visit
"feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages"
I seem to visit that place every now and again, whether I want to or not
I just go there
I hate it when I visit there
I know I should not be there, I know better
but I go there
I try not to stay long
It hurts too much
it smells of rubbish and ruin
it is not pleasant
there is no joy
no love
my time there makes me want to cry
I am left alone with my feelings
sad - lonely - not fulfilled - wanting more
So I pack up and leave
and pray I don't go there again
but I have a feeling I will

love and be loved...

Thoughts rolling in my head this morning
what is truth
what needs to be pursued
what can be left by the roadside as i keep walking
i ponder
where i have been
where i am going
where am i going?
does someone have to be right when it comes to spiritual beliefs
or are we just called to love one another
nothing more ...nothing less
let the truth be the truth
let it find us
love and be loved

Trees...leaves... and friendship

Trees
leaves
canopy of shade
roots that grow deep into the soil
friends...
I have had and have a variety of friends in my life over the years,
and now that i am approaching 50 years of living, i feel like talking about them...
how i may have affected them and their lives,
how they challenged me to grow,
how together we shared love and the gift of walking very intimately together as women.
friends...
they could be called "trees"
there are times when they provide shade from scorching days,
and other times when they provide nothing at all...their leaves have dropped and you feel very alone.
i have lived through all the seasons
shade... a full covering of leaves... watching them change color and wave in the breeze.
my friends in VA were abundant
some gave me shade... some i gave shade to,
we laughed and cried and shared our hearts as only women know how to do...
i grew in my ability to love and encourage
that is what i love to do... i die inside without being able to touch women's hearts.
my roots were deep in the VA soil of love and friendship.... safe... secure... loved.
alone,
moving to SC was very hard
lonely... empty... uncovered,
no friends
my roots had been dug up in that move and now they dangled in the air, being scorched by the sun, with no real fertile soil to grow down in ... i needed water... i needed some soil... i needed a friend.
i was no longer a tree offering shade to anyone,
my roots were drying up
i was dying inside...
i remember the day i met my new friend,
i loved her almost immediately,
her heart was kind... her brown eyes sparkled... she had a beautiful smile,
she would be one who would need my shelter,
she would be a place where my roots could grow deep into the same soil her roots were in,
we would share days together... life together,
we would walk through some dark days and days full of nothing but deep, full living of life,
we would both grow and change,
my roots were deep and covered
i would be able to touch a heart
i would grow leaves and blow in the breeze, and embrace life
i would love and be loved by my friend

Saturday Reflections...

Books....
They are full of words that give life, direction, encouragement, entertainment and a place to "go away".
I have only recently really embraced the gift of reading books. (thanks ya ya!)
I do not know why as a child I was not encouraged to read more. I wish I had been.
But, I was very busy playing outside... football with my brother, basketball with my brother and riding my mini bike around the 250 acres of land where I lived. Reading books and playing barbie dolls seemed so boring. Something my sister did... not me. Not enough "action"!
I know better now.
I have a pile of books today that are laying in front of me on the floor.
Calling them "my favorites".
It's good to have books laying at your feet that you can curl up with and become friends.
They require nothing from you. Only that you pick them up and read them. Read their words.
And you can put them down - stick them back on a shelf - share them with a friend - or give them away whenever you wish.
My books ... we are just beginning to share a special relationship.

My Jerry

Jerry
he may not be perfect
but he is perfect for me
he is steady, even, not too up and not too down
he balances me with my ups and downs
does he complete me?
no
I hate it when we try to find someone that will complete us
Completion needs to come from within ourselves as we seek
healing in that place deep down inside us - locked away behind closed doors where all of our fears, hurt and insecurities hide
I don't want Jerry to have that job of completing me
I want him to compliment me
I want to compliment him
I want to lean on him as I prop him up with my words and my prayers
He is the most sensitive man I know
Tears come easy

His touch is gentle
He is manly enough to feel
I celebrate that

I celebrate Jerry
I love him

ummm...

How can it "be" that one minute I can be functioning "normal" and the next minute I want to scream and yell, and then lay my head down and cry?
Well... normal is such a relative word.
What IS normal?
Webster states, "conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural."
I am not really sure I want to be "usual" anyway - do you?
So boring and uneventful.
No color
No wind
No breath
Stillness
Death...
I will embrace all forms of emotion that seem to run through my very body these days.
Grabbing my heart and pulsing with it's every beat.
It is fun! right?
A journey! On a trail...unpacking and talking.
Wheee!
Wine helps.
Whining helps.
Being embraced by big arms and feeling a masculine chest underneath my head helps. Safety.
Laying my head on a friend's lap is the most soothing.
Freedom to cry.
Sob.
Girls just know.
We take care of each other.
Hearts connected.
Laughing
loving
listening
Life is good.

The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. - Abraham Lincoln

My friend's art...

I love the very fact that I get to walk side by side... hand in hand with a friend who has a creative heart that beats and produces excellent art. She inspires me! Her brown eyes see beyond what you and I see...

She is a visionary...

I love her