impatience
it can turn me into an evil woman
no time for waiting or listening
move
now
stop talking!
leave me alone
i want quiet and space
this will pass
i pray

weekend living

patio landscaping
plants in pots
watering
late dinners
wine on the porch
shopping for a patio table and chairs
being hot
needing food and water
watching and praying for rain
only seeing clouds and hearing thunder in the distance
no rain
church
are you sleeping spiritually?
RoseAngela
more heat
more watering
napping and reading
missing lauren
moving big rocks
jerry being a major "boy"
dinner on the porch, late again
jerry talk time
we want relationship, not religion
the book Ragamuffin Gospel, and The Shack
sweet kisses
watch it get dark
a heavenly display of lightening and clouds
no rain
empty the bad food into the garbage
do the dishes
notice that there is still ironing to be done
oh well
heading to bed
reading
needing sleep
coffee is ready for the morning
all good

RoseAngela...

I have always loved music and listened to it
with my ears and my heart.
Music touches me deeply where nothing else reaches.
It is just how I am made. Music can take me to that place
where I feel like I will explode with emotion.
Music can make me weep.
I have experienced lots of different music over my years,
but I have to say that the music that really grabs my heart is music
that is sung by people who are spiritually in touch with their God and
have used the gift that He has given them to bless others.
There are the well known artists such as Sandi Patty, Jars of Clay
or Steven Curtis Chapman, and the well known artists to me
such as Susan Wells, Jean Sauer,
and RoseAngela.
Today it was RoseAngela who made me cry.
She sings at my church.
She opens her mouth and beautiful sounds gently,
yet powerfully come out of her. Her spirit sings.
She moves me and because of what she sings and how she sings it,
she causes me to look deep within myself and I see who I am
and I see who God wants me to be.
All in a moment.
I am changed.
I am weak.
I am strong.
I am encouraged.
I am loved.
I am me.
I am wanting to powerfully live this life I have.
I do not want to miss a thing.
I also want to hug RoseAngela.
She is a beauty. She is a gift.
Today she was used.
She was a vessel.
She was a sweet spirit refreshing my soul.

The year 1989

That is the official "birth" of my friendship with Dawnie.
We had lunch today on the porch - and it was sweet.
We lived much of our single years together, and now the season we are in is different.
Dawn has 2 little girls that are quickly growing up,
and rightfully so she spends most of her time with them...helping them grow up.
I miss Dawn.
I miss the depth of her soul in our normal conversations.
I miss how she always has the answers to my questions about most anything.
I have always told her that she would be my "phone a friend" if I was ever on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".
I miss seeing her laugh so hard she "poots".
I miss holding her hand when we pray.
Dawn is nordic.
I think I have taught her how to really hug.
Sometimes I have to remind her to hug me tightly.
I never have to remind her to know me.
She knows me very well.
She has seen me up, down, without makeup, throwing up sick, wired shut and swollen from jaw surgery, and she saw my need for counseling when I was holding on to a part of my life that I needed to give to God.
We walk closely even when we don't see each other.
That is a true friend.
I know she would be there for me in a moment's notice.
I would be there for her as well.
I think I keep her young.
I think I make her laugh.
I know I love her deeply.

Planting by moonlight...

Tonight I dug a hole for a bush.... I actually dug 2 holes for 2 bushes. If I am really honest, Jerry dug the holes because I could not do it.
SC dirt is hard, very hard like concrete red clay.
Tried as hard as I could, the shovel barely went into the ground with my 120 pounds behind it.
Dirt like that is just wrong.
2 hours later we have holes.
Tonight Jerry is my hero.
Planting by moonlight can be romantic.

Rules and the weight room...

It is a face.... and mustache that is currently etched in my mind and will not let me go. She was old and "butch". (I am not trying to be nasty.. she really was!) She was our "welcome" to the women's work out correctional facility tonight at BJU. And although she did in reality extend grace tonight, that was not the feeling that was stuck in the air when we were there. Maybe that feeling hit me hard tonight because it was so out of the ordinary for me. I am much more accustom to pleasant faces... smiling... hi, how are you? We had broken a RULE regarding guests and that clearly did not settle well with this woman. She was going to make sure we knew that and she pulled out the rule book to prove it! I looked up from my leg presses to see her walking towards Lauren with a book opened up and she was poised ready to read. I just watched. I also watched 4 ladies on the corner mat "exercising" and gabbing like a group of chickens laying around sharing the latest news about eggs. They were really fun to watch. All 4 of them laying on their backs with their legs up on the wall. Not sure what they were doing, but they were exercising. They were laughing and enjoying one another in their own corner of the world. There was a 5th lady with them sitting in the corner with very cool red sneakers on - and she just smiled and held onto her purse watching. She may have already worked out and was waiting for a ride home. Not sure. It was an interesting night. I kept thinking how much I wanted to break free from that room tonight. I was angry... critical of the system... and marveled at how one woman can change the entire "feel" of a room. She was standing with her rules, all black and white and neatly displayed in her book. Even the weight room is run by the rules, and don't you forget it!

I walked to the car with Lauren thankful she is free from all that.

Cherishing life and people...

I was reading The Ragamuffin Gospel this morning by Brennan Manning, and I loved this line;

"The gospel portrait of Jesus is that of a person who cherished life and especially other people as loving gifts from the Father's hand."

Those words turned my thoughts to the many "gifts" God has given me with my friends. I have been showered with beautiful souls that have walked out life with me in various phases of my journey here on earth. Do I cherish my days and my people? I try to. Do I share with them what my heart feels... do they know they are loved and that they make a difference in my life?
I hope so.

Random words....

I made my bed this morning and in spite of not being able to find a thing to wear without trying on several outfits and tossing them aside on the floor... my day will be put together because when I come home tonight - my bed will be made.
I love hard boiled eggs for breakfast.
Slow drivers were making me crazy this morning. I felt very Northern Virginia-ish and wanted to lay on the horn several times.
Several of my potted plants "pee" when I water them. I need some big saucers.
I love my boss. He said I looked "colorful" today. It is the big beaded multi-colored necklace that provokes a comment like that.
Lauren is all done with school and is officially on vacation. I am extremely jealous. She deserves a long break! I could not do what she does.
Jerry is full of ideas for the yard, patio and irrigation. We have lots to do.
I want rain.
I miss Dawnie.
So many people making walking life out with Jesus so difficult. We chatted this morning and it is really very simple. It is all about the relationship and not the rules. It is about love and grace. I don't want to live in a box or be like everyone else... or wear a label. I want to be KC.
I need to go clothes shopping in a bad way.
Office coffee is okay today.
Life is good. I love my husband and my friends..... and they love me.

girl friends

I visited Asheville, NC this past weekend with two close girl friends.

The memories made will be plastered on my mind and settled down in the very depths of my heart for a long time. I am blessed to have close girl friends, and to be a close girl friend to others.
Some thoughts on girl friends:
laughter comes easily;

tears can rise to the surface from deep crevasses in your heart with just a look;
being silly is very normal;
girl friends take care of each other
in all phases of life and emotional well being;
girl friends accept the hormonal swing of PMS, or peri-menopause - depending on where you are in your life cycle of woman-hood;
girl friends make allowances for passing gas, farts or poots - whatever name you choose for that activity;
girl friends drink good coffee and good wine with you, depending on the time of day;
girl friends love you through all your emotional junk and hang-ups;
they love you when you are unloveable,
they build you up;
they hold you;
they encourage you;
they talk straight to you when you need to hear the truth;

girl friends can be older than you, or younger than you;
girl friends stay close by when you need them to,
and they give you space to let you grow;

girl friends walk into your closet and make you throw things out that you should not be seen wearing;

girl friends love your husband, and they understand you really do not want to divorce him even though he is making you crazy;

girl friends cry when you cry;

girl friends hold your hand, when no one else will;

girl friends sacrifice their time and energy for you;

they teach you how to love unconditionally;
I can imagine life without a lot of things,
I cannot imagine life without my girl friends;
I can be "me" without having to explain myself.