Journal art....

Thanksgiving is:

• buying groceries and cleaning the house for guests
• making sure all the groceries you buy don't get eaten before Thanksgiving Day!
• buying pumpkin pie ice cream in October and saving it til November 26th.
  
• remembering all those years your Mom did all the cooking... and praying she still knows how to do it at your house.
• wanting to buy food for those who won't have such a big feast.
  
• remembering early mornings growing up and wondering why your mother was up so early to cook.... and now slowly realizing the "why".
  
• remembering snow and being thankful you are in the south now to celebrate in 60 degree weather.
• experiencing fresh or frozen turkey dreams.
• inhaling and breathing deeply at the sight of my now very full pantry.
• 4 empty pie plates waiting to be filled with pumpkin and apples.
• a frozen turkey in the refrigerator thawing.
• a wine rack full.
• clean sheets on all the beds I own and one borrowed inflatable mattress.
• buying extra pillows and silverware.
• breaking down and buying a paula dean knife set. (very nice!)
  
• praying for good warm non-rainy weather- for 4 days please.
• putting 2 leaves in the dining room table - which is now huge and very empty.
  
• buying a 120 inch table cloth.
• praying for safe travels, good conversation, joy and a home that is filled with Christ's love.
  
• desiring to give away love - lots of it!
  
• welcoming family into our home - the first time for most.
  
• being thankful for family - even if we are dysfunctional.
  
• being thankful for friends - i love love love my friends!
  
• knowing God holds it all and gives all things to me freely.
• loving the giver of all things....
  

a heart at rest...

i want to live life with a heart that is at rest, so beauty flows through me from a heart that is at peace with who i am. i want a heart that invites others to "come in" and be who they are when they are with me. the beauty is there... it is actually in every woman, yet not always reveled in every woman. the beauty is often hidden with all the striving. i really do not want to strive. but i know i do. i want to rest. i want to let go and rest.
i want to let go and let God change me - so beauty flows from the very deepest part of me.
i want to know in the depths of my heart where the Spirit dwells that He finds me beautiful, and has deemed me worthy, and in Him i have enough.
i want to welcome Gods love that sings over me,
and embrace the grace He showers on me.
i want to offer other women the grace to be who they are and the room they need to grow.
i want my beauty unveiled.

unsettled....

it hit me again today how hard it is to embrace a changing season of a deep friendship.
the way it was is no longer,
and it is harder to "feel" connected.
distance aids to the "unsettling" that something is wrong
and the sweetness of the closeness we've shared is marred by a lot of not knowing.
i just don't like this place.

Journal Art

a messy table
dirty colored water in a mug
paint brushes and crayons
piano music
brown and black pens
words from past journal entries
i was creating
finally
it made me so happy
more to come...

write... just write

... this morning i really, really want to write.
i want to be quiet and feel all that is in my heart these days.
i just re-read my blog entries from 2009 and came to the conclusion that it has been a year of adjusting to change, and completely walking out of my season of depression and feeling set free from the darkness that claimed my days...too many of my days.
i am clearly "different" now than i was earlier in the year and for this "fact" i fall on my face and say thank you.
thank you God that you did not leave me alone.
you were there walking intimately by my side..
pushing me when i needed a push,
catching me when i fell,
wiping up the buckets of spilled out tears when i cried,
holding me when nothing or no one could give me comfort,
speaking truth to me when i was believing the lies in my head,
changing my heart deeply when i finally asked you to,
cutting away...
changing me...
there are scars but they are covered in your love.

so we decided to color our hair....
dawn needed more color than i did, her hair was long and needed to be cut... so she went first.
i carefully mixed up the "potion"... i mean how can you go wrong? just pour the one bottle into the other bottle and shake it up. simple.
next apply the potion to dawn's hair.
now i can tend to me messy, but assured dawn she is safe with me.
in the midst of this color adventure we were "catching up" on many months of not being together. there was so much to talk about. and so we talked, and i applied "color" with my hands safely clean inside the little plastic gloves the hair color people provide inside the box. my hands were color-free, which is more than i can say for dawn's brow- ears- and small areas on her neck. i was a tad-bit messy, but it would be okay.
this is where we went wrong... or rather where dawn got confused in her thinking and decided the color needed to be on her hair for 30 minutes. i thought (to myself) wow that is long! but i knew she was an ex-State Dept. gal and highly educated and my smart phone a friend if i ever was on "Who wants to be a Millionaire".. so i just knew that if she said 30 minutes... then we needed to wait 30 minutes. so we did. and - well - 30 minutes actually turned into probably more like 40 minutes when all was said and done.
dawn came out of the bathroom with well... very dark - almost black looking hair. the box said "medium brown". that color on her head was NOT medium brown. yep - 40 minutes was too long...
some days it is just hard to be a beautiful woman...

running a triathlon...

dear debra - so, actually i am sitting here a tad bit jealous as i realize you are about to do a very cool thing. run a triathlon. how awesome is that! i know it is cool because i have run a marathon and that is cool too. you train you train you train... you get all the right gear... you train some more. then you do it. well, girlfriend of mine, you are about to do it! in my heart i will be swimming, biking and running with you. and i may cry. cry because i was made to do athletic things. cry because i have had the gifted privilege of fulfilling a lot of athletic and endurance events... some of them were dreams that came true. and i know what that is going to feel like for you when it is all done. accomplished. you are across the finish line. i know that feeling. i am so proud of you. so proud of you for seeing something out there that you wanted to do ... and then going after it with all your might to do it! it shows what you are made of. it shows your heart. your grit. it has cost you something.. but the gain is more. isn't it? i am cheering you on with all i am made of - and i cannot wait to see you cross the finish line. you are way cool. i love you. - kc

time... never enough...

so i am very unsettled at this moment...
i feel like i never have enough time.
never enough time to sit and be still with God.
never enough time to exercise as much as i want to.
never enough time to relax on week day evenings.
never enough time to enjoy the down time of the weekends.
never enough time to pour into my friends.
never enough time to just sit and "be" with my husband.
never enough time to write and journal.
never enough time to be creative and do art.
so i am restless, unsettled, not at peace.
i saw a friend at church this morning,
and she was obviously struggling.
i had not had enough time to meet up with her over the past 2 weeks.
time... never enough time...

i spent some time this afternoon cleaning my office here at home.
wow - so many memories flooded my melancholy heart as i began moving things and dusting... and re-arranging and putting away. i have indeed lived a full life and i have loved a lot of people... and they have loved me. i cherished remembering these memories:

• the metal tree lola gave me when we moved to greenville almost 6 years ago. she always called me "her tree", because i gave her shade and stood strong with her through every season.
• our wedding album - what an amazing day of celebration that was
• an ink drawing by lauren called, "I will yet praise Him" - it was a "doodle" she was working on when she was a temp at work. she is so gifted and i cherish that "doodle".
• birthday cards and special words sent to me on my 50th birthday from lots of friends and then lauren put them together in a book.
• a framed certificate and medal for completing the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington, DC. ran and finished on october 23, 1994.
• dawn and mark's wedding picture.
• a baseball that i "caught" from the greenville drive game this season.
• a hiking picture from a training hike in va - "little devil stairs" - jer and i are all smiles and sweat.
• my very first bible - being held together with tape.
• a note from lila.
• the word on my book shelf - LAUGH.
• a photo of me on top of Mt. Quandary in Colorado... my first 14'er!
• a bible rebound in beautiful brown leather - a gift from my dear friend kathy ray.
• several drawings from jessica and sarah.
• a few books that helped grow and change me:

Power of a Praying Wife
The Sacred Marriage
Having a Mary Spirit
Get Out of that Pit
My 1st Bible
Come Away My Beloved
Strong Women, Soft Hearts
The Message Bible
The Love Dare
The Spirit Controlled Temperment

i'm glad i needed to clean my office. it is very good to remember....

nails...

so.. there are 2 "situations" that lead me to pick at my nails...

1 would be our last trip to visit my family in Rochester, NY:

• driving in the rain on I-85 south - with big trucks crowding us
• being a passenger in the car on the rainy road to the airport
• crowded airports with all kinds of people in my way who don't speak english
• going through security and having to remove my bracelets and necklace
• waiting with 563 other people to load the plane
• being called to load the plane and then waiting in the tunnel walkway
• being on the plane and watching an endless stream of people that keep coming on board
• sitting on the plane as it gets very crowded - noisy and hot and stuffy
• feeling like i cannot breath on the plane as we wait to move away from the gate
• wanting to feel more air through that little tiny blower above my head and no matter how i turn it, nothing changes.
• feeling like i am about to have a panic attack as i sit in my seat on the plane
• and finally... turbulence on the plane in the air at 30,000 feet

2 would be walking my mother through www.expedia.com website to purchase tickets to come down and visit us for Thanksgiving:

• we are on skype and she is yelling
• she doesn't understand that it is okay to open another browser "window" while talking to me
• she wants to see me but the new window covers me up
• we proceed not seeing each other and it works
• she needs to know how much long term parking is Albany NY airport
• she needs to know how to get to long term parking at Albany NY airport
• we decide spending the night at a hotel is best and let the hotel shuttle mom and dad to their gate and not worry about long term parking
• 53 minutes later we have an itinerary

i consider it a major miracle ever time i fly and i arrive back home in one piece, still breathing with all good attitude and my luggage.

the tickets are purchased and mom and dad will arrive for Thanksgiving and we will not have to take a plane ride...

chat moment...

last night i got to chat with a re-acquainted friend who was hurting
there was depression
there was anger
there was grieving that had left her with a void,
a hole,
she was in the pit
i understood where she was
i have stood in a pit before
you feel alone, and emotionally there is no light
you want to move past what you are feeling,
but you can't move, you can't even get your foot off the ground
you are stuck
so you hurt
so you ache
so you cry
i hated where she was in those moments we exchanged words,
but i loved being there with her
i know she will eventually move from this place
i know she will hurt
i know the moving will take time
i know she will wonder if God really cares,
and does He know any of her pain?
i know she will feel like she cannot move because she is stuck in the muck
i know she will feel the weight of the pain in her heart,
and she will be convinced it is breaking
but i know she will make it and she will move from this pit
she will grow and become even more "real" than she was before
she will eventually leave the pit and when she recognizes that exit,
she will be a different person.
there will be a freshness in the air
there will be a sense of renewal
there will be joy
and eventually joy that overflows,
spilling and splashing on all those that walk with her.

new...

.... so jerry told me i was "keyed" (to bring to a particular degree of intensity of feeling, excitement, energy), up today!
ha ha
i am!
i am being so very spoiled by god right now.
there is joy
there is a freshness in the air
there are new friends, new lives touching me,
and jerry,
there is laughter and the pure joy in getting to know another human being.
learning about where they have "walked" and experiences they have lived.
and we laugh ...
we laugh a lot... and we laugh deeply... and it feels good to feel joy.

No one loves you like i do...

... you pursued me, and i let you find me
i fell in love with your tender heart,
your kindness, your gentle spirit,
your integrity and character.
you sang to me at a roof top restaurant outside of DC
and made "the proposal" an event that rings with romance
and love... so that i always have that special memory.
our wedding day was a "finally"! moment for everyone that attended.
there are no words to describe my heart that day.
joy to the 100th degree comes close.
we were joined together as husband and wife,
before God and witnesses committing to the sacred journey of marriage.
and it is a journey.
we've laughed, cried, celebrated and prayed along the way.
we've welcomed new friends and said good-bye to others.
we embraced births and mourned losses.
we are better together than we are apart,
and i want to stay the course with you for as long as God gives us breath.
i don't know what i would do without you.
i love you, and
i celebrate "us" today.

there is a god....

god moved me
from feeling an empty hole in my heart,
to filling that hole so that it overflows.
that is just like him to do that.
i really stand in awe at how he works
he really does know my heart,
and he really does know what i desire,
he really does out give me
he pours into me more than my heart can hold
when i give him all that i do hold.
i barely can find words to say how my heart feels
but it is all good,
and tears that run down my face are happy tears.
there is a god...this is the proof...
thank you libby, chrystie, debra and dee for being willing to let god drop
you down into my life.
for such a time as this i needed you to be dropped into my life.
he continues the work he has started in me,
and he will keep digging, purging and working.
and at the same time he has poured out his love in me
for these new beautiful souls i can call friends.
i look forward to the journey together, knowing
he always uses all things and all people in my life.
he has given me encouragement to keep running the race.
he has enabled me to let go and look back and know,
it is good.
there is a god... this is the proof!

my dad...

my dad...
he is the strong silent type
quiet yet when he says something,
it is generally worth hearing so you listen.
he was a farmer and worked the land.
dad always worked hard and never complained.
i remember trying my best to stay up with him
as we would walk up into the field in the summer time
to bale hay...for being a small man he sure did have fast legs!
dad taught me how to drive a tractor... and i am
confident that is why i am such a good driver now in a car. :-)
his memory is sharp... i wish i was like him in that way!
he has life documented in his mind and can quickly give
us all those all important dates, like when it snowed in may one year,
and when tom ran tracey over with his bicycle... and all the
other tramas in our life. :-)
dad has beautiful blue eyes...
and those i got from him!
i love my eyes...
i love my dad, and remember him this father's day.

out of sorts and such...

... daily life as you have known it changes
people go and grow in different directions
hearts tear and hurt
emotions surge and fall
tears spill
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you don't know how you fit or if you fit anymore
you don't know what to say or if you should say anything
you wonder why you cannot control your feelings
you want to run and hide
you wonder if you are acting your age
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you beg for grace and you're pretty sure you've not seen it
you ask for an easy load to carry
and you still feel heavy in your heart
you want to keep loving
you want to embrace the new
but the old is embedded deep within your heart,
and it is not prying loose very easily
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days

so you try to rest and trust
you take a lot of deep breaths
you sigh
you pray
you dig deep and believe you are moving from this spot
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days,
and you hold onto hope
and you dry your tears
and keep walking....

good-bye...

... all my people have left
and i am riding on the wave of grace.
he bent low to meet me where i was
he gently lifted my head
he gently kissed my brow
and whispered it's alright.
there is joy in the journey even when it is hard,
and even when there are good-byes.
please don't leave me
i embrace your touch today,
and the way you move my heart
it is alright
it is good
there is love
there is joy
there is peace

3 years

3 years ago yesterday i met lauren
she came into my office as a temp to help cover while an employee was out on vacation.
she wore a long skirt to the floor
she was kind, appropriate in her actions
professional, pretty smile
yet, there was something i saw deeper in heart that drew me to her.
i wanted to know her.
i wanted to get past the "wall" and really see her heart.
i was drawn to her.
i wanted to ask a lot of questions.
i can only say now that God was in our midst.
He knew her.
He knew me.
He connected us.
and so our journey would begin.

lunch outing..

so i shopped a very little at TJmax just a bit ago.

all i want are some cute little T-shirts to wear with my

jeans or shorts with flip-flops.

how hard can this be?

can a 50 year old woman wear a T-shirt that has peace and love on it?

i feel like i am back in the 70's!

and then there are other "words" that are on some cute shirts,

but i so don't know what they mean that i am afraid to buy them.

afraid that the "word" i would be wearing on my body may mean something that

is not who i am.

i am not up on the latest words...

so i was safe and got a T-shirt with Florida on it.

that was safe... i know where it is... i have been there...

and as far as i know "florida" is not a dirty word.

Happy Mother's Day

My Mom...
She is full of energy and acts much younger than she is.
She is witty and has a great sense of humor.
She likes to have control... but that enables her to get lots of things done!
She is a good friend to many people.
She is the BEST pie baker I know! (i did not get inherit this gift from her!)
She gives freely of her time and energy to many.
She likes to be busy.
She loves flowers in her garden! (I DID get this gift from her.)
She is on the cutting edge of technology.... she has a computer and is savy on it... she knows how to skype... she actually uses her cell phone... she now has a digital camera... and she misses her email when she is away from home. Yes she is addicted.
She loves me well.I honor her this weekend and am thankful for her being my Mom.

some days are just harder
nothing i feel makes any sense to where i am walking
everything is hard
i want to sleep
i want to sit in my chair and just be alone
everyone just leave me alone!
don't ask anything of me... please
there is irritability,
and always with those i love the most
when i can connect with someone that is or has been here,
wow... it is encouraging
reality
hormones
God is bigger
He has to be!

empty spaces.. empty places...

what becomes of the empty spaces...
the empty places...
when something is gone and is no more,
what do i do with the hole that is left.
i have to trust that God will shovel some fertile
soil in that hole and mix it up with His love,
and grace,
and breathe His life into that place.
i hate the empty places and spaces.
the void,
the tears that rise up from that hole in unexpected ways,
and times.
growing, learning, trusting and loving deeply...

losing... gaining...

so much right now feels like it is changing and has been for awhile.
i cannot seem to find my rhythm.
things that used to fit, don't fit anymore.
my heart is not satisfied,
and seems to hurt more than it feels joy.
it was such a rough week with lauren.
i hurt her.
then in response to her hurt,
she hurt me.
it was messy, but we walked through it.
we are moving.
and in the moving it "feels" like i am losing,
i keep losing.
i don't know where i fit anymore.
i want to add and gain something...

familiarity...

i visited
history is shared
i love the familiarity of being known.
i was filled to overflowing in just seeing their faces,
and embracing them.
can you save the love that overflows;
the love that you cannot contain because you are full,
and have it wrap it's arms around you when the emptiness shows up again.
or can it be bottled, put on a shelf and opened up on a "down" day.
maybe the "extra" love settles down in the deep crevasses of my heart
and is remembered and pull out as a memory and held closely.
i am pulling it out today.

a gift...

vulnerability...

wear it

embrace it

fear not of it

but guard who you wear it with

and consider those that safely accept that outfit

to be treasured

they are rare

they will enable growth

they accept your dirt and grim and brokenness

and love you irregardless...

undressing
i do it everyday... in the physical sense.
i take off clothes and put them in the hamper for laundering,
and proceed to put on fresh, clean clothes, or at the very least some kind of clothes that match my next activity.
undressing
what about my heart, and the very center of who i am.
does that get undressed? do i take off all the selfishness, envy, jealously, anger, lust, pride and well all the other "sin" that clings to me like my very own skin?
i know it is there. it does a great job at reminding me from time to time that "it" is all there and very much alive.
i am convinced that there is nothing i can do to rid it. i have tried. when i try to shed it, there is very little difference in how i feel or how i respond. i cannot shake it.
i have to let God undress me.
i have to ask God to undress me.
i have to be willing to stand still and let him remove "my" clothes.
when he does the undressing, there is a pulling away, there is a deep tearing... and it is painful. i hurt on the inside..deep inside i bleed. and the sight of what he pulls off of me is gross. it is not pleasant to look at, for me or anyone around me. yet, i am not ashamed. i know that once it is gone, i will be more pleasing to God and to those around me who love me with or without that skin.
so the undressing has begun... layer by layer... and it will continue my entire life. but each time a layer comes off, i feel set free. i feel more alive and full.
God is transforming me ...
again...
until the next time...

celebrating...

last week i felt like i had been given a victory in my heart.

i knew that i was not responsible for this "win", because i had tried before to change on my own.

it was only when i begged god and cried out to him through my own frustration that the victory came.

i knew and know today that it was and is him. i could not whomp it up to get through the muck i was trudging through. it was too deep and too thick.

so the victory came.

and in my own celebration i was encouraged to applaud god. clap. clap out loud.

i suddenly felt like i was very gun shy.

what if this victory does not "stick".

what if i go back to standing knee deep in the muck and feel helpless again.

what if this so called victory is just my own feelings having a good day.

so i sit back and wait and watch and wonder,

and celebrate in the quietness of my heart,

knowing he is working and reshaping me and growing me,

and it is good.

music... play on...

there is new music playing in my heart today;
it is quiet and peaceful,
bursts of happy melodies mixed with a sadness the follows me unnoticed, yet very real and close. sadness over the realization that time just keeps passing away,
and change is a very stark reality of life.
i can lose myself in the rhythm and feel my spirit being soothed as the notes play and i turn inward. just me. music. god. alone. and i am content.
i am different.
i am changed.
comfortable with who i am again,
and trusting that the one who made me will keep doing his work on me.
he is the only one that can take darkness and evil and selfishness and control and cause one to let go of them. he loosened my grip. it was not easy. i had to give him permission. i had to yield. i had to bend my knee to him. i had to want to change. yet, he did it. not me. i am still amazed.
and i want the music to play.

loving people.....friendships....girlfriends
there are levels of needs, levels of intimacy,
they are all different, depending on the person,
some need me more than i need them, but that is okay.
there are seasons in friendship and love,
sadness can fill my heart when i think of some.
seasons change
death, new chapters, new birth, growth, deepening.
love with no boundaries,
give your heart,
be available, be close, be open.
sometimes asking more questions,
sometimes less,
waiting and wondering,
celebrate!
embrace the moments together,
hold each other closely,
kiss a cheek, say i love you, share tears,
say those words you have not said before,
live hard and love deeply today
like you may never see tomorrow.

random thoughts

only in south carolina would a nice man from the sherman-williams store ask if he can carry the one gallon of paint out to the car for me.
i seem to have a bottomless pit today in my tummy.
i am missing dawn today in a real big way,
i hate that they are so far away,
and i want to hug on jessica and sarah.
i think i may be in a fog today from too many paint fumes.
i love jerry so much,
but sometimes he just tries to figure out the "whys" of things that are meaningless in my opinion.
like why he has drainage in his throat for instance.
these kind of conversations really do test my level of patience,
kindness, love and acceptance.
i did an amazing job (thank you jesus) of cooking this weekend.
now we have leftovers for tonight and i do not have to cook.
yippee... it is the simple things that give me so much job.
i think i finally have a 50 year old body.
i just am not as "cut" as i was.
i need to work much harder to get that back!
i will do it.
the 30 - 40 years of my life were big years for me.
sharry died.
dawn got married.
i got some counseling.
i fell in love.
i got married.
i become much more comfortable with who i am.
i figured out how god uses me.
i feel very settled today.
i also feel very tired.
but i am not depressed or crazy.
mostly.

sleep well...

i love that you called me tonight and needed to talk.
i loved listening to your heart.
you are not crazy- your concern or worry or whatever we want to call it - is okay.
it is all a part of where you are walking as you get to know and love andy.
i will pray.
if this is all right and good... it will all come together.
God will do that.
keep your hands opens.
you know the peace in doing that.
andy is growing
you are growing
there are bound to be stretch marks in falling in love.
i have them
jerry has them
i will pray.
i love you dear girl

a bad morning...

my morning...
the alarm went off this morning and i tried my hardest to swim to the surface of conscienceness.
jerry did not move.
i finally pulled myself from my bed... it was difficult as i felt hinged to the mattress and my head was clearly cemented to my pillow.
surely it was the middle of the night... it was still dark!
i knew making my way to my coffee pot was in order.
the coffee should be all done brewing and ready to pour and drink.
coming downstairs i turned the corner and immediately knew something was wrong.
i could not smell my freshly brewed "joe", and the little red light was not on.
the coffee had not turned on.
the time change had caused me to change the time on the coffee pot,
and PM should have been AM.
i went back to bed.
slept til 7am

Today...

Loving Father, search the depths of me, and if there be any evil ways in me, correct them, and lead me in your ways - and teach me to love how you love. I pray that I may not be deformed from selfishness, but with a lowly and expectant heart run with patience and endurance the race that is set before me. Enable me to win! Amen.

loving through change...

words that make any kind of sense at all still do not make sense to me as i reflect on my day.
up and down
happy, hurt, feeling pain
loneliness, fear, selfishness,
selfish love
i hated where i walked and i hated how i felt
i prayed
it did pass
but left a wake of hurt
forgiveness was asked,
and given
what is that that grips me so tightly that i cannot breath
nothing makes any sense
reality is no where to be found
i grab for peace
i grab for joy
i know where i am running is not right
so i keep running hoping i will run away from the grip
finally it is loosened and i am "normal"
i embrace change and the birth of new love
i cannot have things the way i want them
i have to ride this out gripping to nothing
i have to walk with open hands,
and trusting
there were many words and tears
there is peace and all is well
i am learning to love through a season of change...

random thoughts....

random thoughts this moring as i sit here with my coffee and look outside.
birds are in full swing and just must know that we turn the clocks back an hour tonight and spring is indeed closer than it was. that makes me happy too. it has been a week. a week that has left me some what drained and desiring outside hiking therapy.
tuesday and wednesday nights i was with dawn.
bringing her dinner and then helping her pack up to move to texas.
she was scattered and overwhelmed in her thoughts.
i was melancholy touching her things.. and placing them in a box.
i laughed as i saw pictures and blankets that she had when we lived together as single women 18 years ago. she still had some of the same "treasures"! she will always have "stuff"... and too much food in her pantry - but she will always be ready for an ice storm or some kind of disaster. she was going to be my hiding place in case of an emergency cause she has all the food! i need a back up plan now.
i said good-bye to lauren yesterday as she is off to a young life camp with andy for friday and saturday. she is doing more and more with andy and becoming more and more emotionally attached to him... and less attached to me. this too is a loss. but it is good. i say it is good in my head, but my heart often still hurts. she will still be with us on sunday for family time. i cherish those days with her.
i am thankful for new friends in my life. it is the first time since we moved her 5 years ago that i feel like there are some "girls" that i can connect with. i just want to be used and love them and walk out life with them.
so all in all it is a good morning. my spirit is good... i want to sit and do some bible study and i feel a freshness towards my God. i want to cling to Him above all else. it has been a very dry season spiritually. i pray i am walking out of the dry desert and into some fertile land.

more dawn words...

reflecting on the day with beautiful music playing in my ear,
wine in my glass
just stopping
listening and being
it was a day
very busy at work, these are trying times
and lunch with dawn
there were tears, there were confirming words of our friendship and how we go forward
when i think of dawn leaving, i can almost panic
what will i do
how will i touch her
she has been there for me for so many years
we have traveled so many miles together
we lived out those precious single years together
we longed for husbands together
we cried over past hurts together and looked for healing at the feet of jesus
we served other women together,
and we served one another
dawn stood by me the last time i remember really being sick
handing me a dry t-shirt and wiping my foreward after throwing up
she was there for me when i had jaw surgery,
waiting for me as they wheeled me out of the emergency room,
all wired shut
lips as big as bananas... or so i am told! i never did see them...
good thing!
she was with me as i struggled with my singleness and wondered if i would ever be married
she was there for me to share the joy of getting married
and we have been there for one another through seasons of hectic life and depression,
and when life seemed out of control
i guess we will always be there for one another,
i just hate that she will be so far away and quite frankly it causes me to gasp at the thought of not seeing her and being able to touch her
what will i do?
i have to trust there will be grace
i have to believe we will keep living out life together
there is no one like her
no one will replace her
and i will miss her
i will really miss her
i will ache
i will cry
but i will keep walking on
and i will love her

and i will rest...

why am i not excited about your word
why do i not want to study
i have a bible study to do and it just lays there
i am not interested
your words don't seem to encourage me or give me life
why
i love sitting with you and talking
i love asking you to take me each day and use me
i know when i have to give you something i am holding onto,
and you give me the grace to do that
am i "luke warm" spiritually
am i just tired
am i worn out emotionally from all the ups and downs of life
i need you to reach inside me and change my heart
if you want me to desire your word, i need your help
to change my heart towards you
i know i need you
i know i don't want to walk without you
i know i am a mess if you are not in control of me
i give you permission to breath passion in me
passion for you
for more of you
and i will rest in that

reflecting...

reflecting...
it was such a great night last night with dawn and mark.
dawn and i sat at the kitchen island for hours laughing,
and remembering people from our past and a lot of crazy
things we have done.
i laughed so hard so many times that my stomach hurt.
it is a bitter-sweet time this morning.
i have joy springing up from inside of me because of this amazing,
deep friendship that has been a part of me for
20 years.
and i am very gripped by sadness with the reality
that we have to continue this friendship long distance in
a few weeks as dawn moves to Texas.
in my sadness
there is a gut deep satisfaction that we love each other
so deeply and know each other so very well.
this is the part of love i really do not like very well.
saying good-bye, moving on,
feeling the ache of being apart.
i fear the days ahead,
i fear the loneliness of not being able to "touch" dawn when i want to...
or when i need to.
she will be thousands of miles away.
but i have to just walk this out one day at a time.
i have to trust this will be okay.
i have to believe the ache in my heart will go away.

more random ramblings...

random
pms
hormones raging and making me late,
and say things i normally do not say!
a feeling of running on the inside of me,
be careful - i may break.
unsure
no mojo
wandering thoughts
no focus
who am i
i am fat
i am ugly
letting all those go and just reminding myself...
this is not normal
this is temporary
i will be okay
wanting to put my head down and nap
wanting someone to hold me
sigh
walk on girl
this will get better
a husband who is tight
frustrated with boy jobs
let it go
let's go have fun
let's go laugh and talk
let's go forget that some days are just hard
dinner
relax
be
love
love me
love others
and then end the day,
for tomorrow brings new mercy,
and grace

random thoughts...

random thoughts are running in my head this morning.
i take a deep breath and am thankful for all the places i can go (in my head) and see God's finger prints;
i see new people that are touching me and my life,
chrystie, kathryn, libby
grace church makes me happy,
i love walking in there and feeling loved,
and i love hearing matt and bill teach,
it is a good place to be.
lauren and i keep walking... stopping and unpacking some baggage, processing, healing and then moving on. i still am amazed that she was dropped in my life... and i get to walk with her.
jerry is engaged and steady in his love for me.
so today there is joy.
there is energy for living today
there is a quiet peace that even though dawn and mark are moving, it will be okay.
coffee is great this morning.
it is going to be a grand day.

a "God Stop"....

i've been wanting to have a "God Stop" for weeks now.
i listen to others share about how they see God work
in their lives...
i know God is at work in mine, but i think i miss seeing Him.
as i reflect on these past few very busy days,
i wonder how often God has carried me and my feet have not really touched the ground.
i believe He has been very close beside me breathing life into my being,
and giving me words and sensitivity and control over my emotions.
and then today, i think i may have really, for sure experienced a "God Stop".
i had to meet up with the terminated vp.
i did not want to call him.
fear was gripping me and i had lost my business edge,
my mojo was still sleeping in my bed.
i was afraid i would call... get his wife and she would be angry and hang up on me.
i kept putting off calling him,
but this morning i had to make that call...regardless of how i felt.
i had prayed one more time and asked God to please have him call me.
and he did.
he called.
and we meet at 11:30 downstairs in our building.
he arrived with his wife.
i arrived with 3 of his staff members that i knew wanted to see him.
there were hugs and smiles.
there were words from his wife and an embrace that was warm and loving.
amazing
we chatted
we said good-bye
he has turned the page in this chapter of the book of his life.
we turned around and came back to work.
and life goes on.
and i had a "God Stop"!

lunch therapy

it's been a week and it is only wednesday... right!?
i prepared for a vp termination
i talked with the vp's staff while the vp was being terminated
i made them cry
but i know my words were as gentle as they could be
i mean how gentle can the words "fired", "terminated", "separated from the company" really be!
you do what you need to do
you put on your game face,
you believe in what you are doing,
and do it
then the pieces are left for you to pick up
that is what we do in human resources
we touch other humans
we make sure they can turn the page and keep walking
we support and encourage
we are available... all the time,
with an ear to hear,
and a heart to feel...

amazed

amazed seems to be the word of the day for me
amazed that i feel good!
what changed?
how can i walk in such deep, dark places and not really know why,
and then walk out of that place and just feel so good?
again i do not know why
so... i am amazed!
what am i suppose to learn in all of this?
that life is just sometimes hard?
that i am crazy in my head sometimes?
that i have a tendency towards being low and depressed?
that hormones affect how i feel and act?
that God does not always give us "fun easy" days?
i do not have answers.... so i keep walking
i rejoice in how i felt thursday and friday
i kick up my heels over the joy of a new friend
i love that i was up and had life and energy to give to lauren and andy and jerry last night
i love that church was just a huge blessing this morning
i love that tears fall easily from my eyes and my heart is tender
i loved seeing chrystie this morning
i love knowing that i can trust my God for giving me grace tomorrow
so i will not try to figure it all out
i was in a low place,
and now i am walking on level ground,
and there is joy and life and love.
i will be satisfied with that,
and stand amazed

there seems to be some joy today
and i pause to thank the one who gives joy
he knows how much i have begged him for a new day
freshness and not the hollow feeling of nothingness
today is new
yet still lingering deep within me there is darkness - sadness
i am choosing to see the light today so to speak through the trees
i know beyond the forest of trees there is life
there has to be
i have to hold on to that hope
i am living with the view of the trees today
and it is well within my soul
mostly

the routine

our lives are connected tightly
we have created a routine
change has broken up the "suppose to be this way" a bit
the routine is not as routine anymore
not like is always has been
i understand all the whys
my head gets it
my heart is slow to respond
in time
it just takes time
new patterns
new knitting
new weaving of lives
and the connection of new lives
i am learning to embrace all of it

Happy New Year

2009
a clean slate that has no chalk on it yet
new choices
new people
new friends
new experiences
walking out days with a desire to influence
to leave an imprint on lives and hearts
letting go of what is comfortable and embracing all things new
standing and walking in grace
just being