rain... encouragement

it's gently raining and we need the rain, so there is an excitement in my spirit as i watch the rain drops fall, and i want to yell with my face lifted towards the sky, "keep it coming"!
encouragement...
there is hope inside of me as i see the rain - finally my yard is wet and the grass is actually starting to look green and it does not crunch under the weight of my feet as i walk.
encouragement....
it is life giving breath that we give one another... like rain
we give hope and support to someone
we show our approval and that enables others to keep moving in this journey called life
encouragement...
it falls gently like rain drops on souls that are dry and empty
it wraps its arms around lonely people
the words spoken
the touch given
they become a part of that soul that has needed and desired another human being to care
and then they yell, with their face lifted towards the sky,
"keep it coming"!

friday.....

... the alarm went off and all i could think of was that it was friday... i would make it through one more day and then sleep in on saturday morning. i can do this!

i did not have time for breakfast at home, so i stopped at starbucks for a grande coffee and a bagel. i ordered my pikes place coffee and a mutli-grain bagel with cream cheese. the sweet girl behind the counter leaned forward and quietly told me that they did not have any cream cheese and she was so sorry. ok... can i have butter.. nope, did not have that either. ok - how about jelly? nope... peanut butter? nope. ok - i will take it plain. i told her it was okay... things could be worse... at least they had coffee.

i am so tired it just does not matter, and i have my coffee... the sun is shining... it is friday and tomorrow i get to sleep past the alarm.

Reconnecting...

I just recently had the opportunity to hear from some very special people in my life. It was my 50th birthday and my friend Lauren put together a book full of notes and cards from friends that have been in my life since I was in my 20's. Needless to say, it was a bit overwhelming to read through it. I found myself on the verge of crying before I even opened the book to read each one. There were tears and a flood full of memories that came racing back as I read all of their words. It is good to remember.
Remembering where I was as a young professional woman living alone in Maryland with virtually no friends and living most weekends talking to no one and crying tears of loneliness each night as I went off to sleep.
Remembering Carolyn and seeing something about her that I had never seen before. Spiritually, she was alive, and I wanted what she had.
Remembering sitting in church (they met at a school and I thought how odd that was) and having many "wow" moments as I heard Mike Minter talk through scripture and it actually made sense to me.
Remembering feeling like I had spiritually woken up. I was changed. It was good.
Remembering being single until I was 38, and although there was a season of struggling with that, I loved my life. I loved my friends and the journey I was on.
Remembering Jean and Dawn and all we lived through together as roommates. We laughed and cried from the bottom of our transparent hearts.
Remembering Sharry and how much I miss her and her zest for life!
Remember all the single women that came in and out of my life - as we walked together and I shared with them the best way I knew how to live... day by day... in the moment.
Remembering 3 little girls.. Jill, Jodi and Karen. Now they are grown women of 30, 29 and 27.
Remembering Susan Wells and T7E. She was bound up and together we were able to set her free to be who she was, and not who everyone thought she should be.
People were a part of my journey. Now, so many of them are tightly woven into my very being... a part of me. They have loved me and poured into me, and me into them.
I remember and there is a sense of belonging and satisfaction.
I remember, but I don't want that book of memories to be the end.
So, I keep walking trusting there are more memories to make and people to touch and love.... and another book to fill up.

loving lauren through depression...

Lauren had spent the weekend in our home. It was morning when i walked into her room and found her on the floor, in the corner by the window, with a pillow and blanket... and an expressionless face. She responded to my good morning, but i knew it was not going to be a good day. It had not been a good night. She had not slept... she was angry... she wanted to leave and just go home. She wanted to put everything back into a box and live the best she could. Without feelings. Without acknowledgement of her pain. The ache had been there a long time. She was letting it all come to the surface. It seemed too hard to let it all come out. She was broken. She knew it. I left her room when talking with her did not seem to bring her out of the dead place where she was. She was exhausted and said she would sleep and we could go to church. She would be here when we got home and then she would leave. I left the room to talk to jerry. We prayed. We did not leave to go to church. I let her sleep.

When i walked back into her room there was still that heavy feeling of pain and depression lingering in the air. It had not gone away. And Lauren had not slept. My words to her were matter of fact. "Jerry and I talked, and you are not going home. You are staying here until you are better. You are not going to be alone." She wanted to fight me about this decision we made without her--- and i was ready to fight her as well. She was not leaving. Period. At that moment, I know she did not like me. But I loved her and she was staying under our wing. As long as she needed to.

So it began. Lauren lived with us for 2 months. She became like a daughter to me. I loved her and cared for her more than I cared for myself - and at times more than I cared for my husband. She was broken, hurt, in pain and needed to be carried. I grew to know her pain very well and feel her ache. I cried over her when she had no tears. I prayed over her when she did not know where her God was. I loved her when she did not love herself.

I was learning to love lauren through her depression.

Getting to 50...

I can now say I have done the 50 thing.

I turned 50 on June 30th.

It did not hurt.

I still look the same and act the same.

I am not depressed.

It is okay.

But it took 6 months... or longer to get to that place of being okay with this aging process.

Getting older is a strange event.

One that we cannot stop,

and we can choose to embrace it or be depressed about it.

I allowed depression in this area for a season,

and that is only because I was already in a season of depression, so the aging thing just settled in nicely along side of my crappy mood.

What had I done with my life all these years.

I cannot live them over.

Have I made a difference at all in anyone's life?

Do I matter?

And what am I going to do now that I am older...

Blah blah blah

Medication has helped lift me from this pit.

Talking about my fear of aging with a dear friend has helped

loosen the grip of that hand that was tightly squeezing my heart,

and leaving it limp and without joy.

There is hope in every day I live.

Hope that I touch another life with my words,

my touch, my love.

I have no plans to do anything big. I have no script laid out to follow.

I walk in love and grace with my God and trust He uses me

as He desires....whether I am 50 or 31....or 51.

I try to live and love with an open hand and an open heart.

That is all I know how to do today.

And it is well with my soul.

done

activity
working
sweating in the sun
shoveling mulch
watering plants
digging
sweating some more
all for a purpose
the day
a celebration
it is over
success - yet not all that fulfilling
the work is done
beautiful
the activity has subsided
i sit, read, day dream
think, pray, wonder
enjoyment
the quiet is so good
yet, seems foreign
i need more
musings
write
be, keep living life
embracing the moments
fulfilling

the messes i make...

i decided i needed to share all of the messes i make,
and to make a note that my friend makes many of these as well...
it feels good to NOT be alone.
So....

• ice on the kitchen floor from getting a glass of water
• ice cream on the kitchen counter
• spilled diet cherry coke
• rice spilled in between the stove and the counter
• coffee drips going up the stairs...on the kitchen floor...on the back door going out to the porch
• coffee grinds on the kitchen floor
• graham cracker crumbs in the wee hours of the morning are bound to be found most any where!
• art stuff scattered about in different rooms
• paint stains in old coffee mugs
• tools (jerry's) left in the yard and not put away (i did it)
• weights not returned to their proper place after a work out (i did it)
• parmesan cheese in places where it should not be after making a pizza
• pizza crust on the stove and on the floor... (and in my mouth!)

Until i think of all the others... this is it. (i did it)

Moving too fast...

I run fast and hit things
I misjudge everything
I do not always think clearly
I hit things… by accident
I drop things and spill things,
I make messes...
I don’t mean to do these things…
It just happens.
I have not killed anyone,
but I have left “my” mark on several things.
My intentions for all that I do are usually pure,
and I do not mean to cause harm or frustration…
but sometimes I do.
The “wake” I leave sometimes brings with it the need to
repair.
So we repair.
I love nice things and do not mean to break them up.
So we repair.
I move fast through life and live deeply and with purpose,
and sometimes I just move too fast.
But it is me.
So we repair.
I don’t want to beat myself – but I will try to slow down.
And I will help repair.

A year later....

I often look back at the "wake" my life has left and see what is there. Recently when I have done that I see that the waters from a year ago have become calm, quiet and much less rough than they were. I am thankful. A year ago I was walking life out with a friend who was in the middle of depression.

She had made a major change in her life with leaving fundamentalism and she found out how lonely and dark it can be in that space between leaving and landing. She was in limbo. Not sure where her safe place was anymore... not sure of what was right and wrong, or even what sin was. And who is God and where is He anyway? Into the darkness she slid.

It was an evening in April when I stopped by her house on my way home from work to find her curled up in a ball on her sofa. She was despondent. She was empty. She was fragile. She was alone. She was in need. I packed her bags and loaded her in my car. She was coming home with me and she was staying with us until she could walk on her own again.

If only I knew then, what I know now.

If only I knew then that she was depressed and needed medication.

I did the best I knew how to do.

I loved her.

I prayed over her.

Many nights I layed by her side to quiet the anxiety inside of her so she would fall asleep.

Sleep often did not come until the morning hours.

She cried.

She was angry.

She was often inconsolable.

She was trapped.

I was tired.

But I loved her.

It was a long walk in the journey to becoming well.

The joy of today for me is to look back and see she survived the journey.

She is strong.

She is free.

She is a beautiful woman with a heart that has grown and healed...and continues to heal.

She has joy.

She loves.

She is loved.