i am raw right now... with raw emotion
hurting, vulnerable
2 major friendships are changing
i need to get from point A to point B
it is not a switch that i can just flip
it is a process

today is a day that i wish i could turn the clock back and undo something i said last night.
if only i had the power to do that.
i don't.
so i hurt.
and want to make it right.
and i will.
damage is done with mis-spoken words.
i need to think and choose them carefully.

again and again...

So how many times do i have to give god all of me... give him permission to go into all the corners of my heart and make his presence known... to rule over my flesh... to take control where "flesh woman" is reigning. to kill. it is a battle. are there little unseen dark corners within the corners that i thought i had welcomed him in before? places where i opened up the door for him to enter years ago? and now a new situation arises and there "flesh woman" is still strong as ever - way down that one dark hallway in the back corner.. .and the battle is on. even giving god permission to come in and begin the battle against "her" appears to take time. has she been there so long that her hands and feet are tightly wrapped around pieces of me ... pieces of my heart so that it will take time to pry her loose? and in the prying, there is ripping and there is painful tearing... i feel pain. but i want "flesh woman" gone and i know that only jesus can give me that victory. i cannot do this. so i give him free reign to move in and fight the battle. i want victory in jesus. i want jealously and fear gone. i want selfishness gone. i want holy and pure love to reign. i want joy. i want to embrace the new places where he walks me. i want his spirit to rule in me.

i want to be changed.