a gift...

vulnerability...

wear it

embrace it

fear not of it

but guard who you wear it with

and consider those that safely accept that outfit

to be treasured

they are rare

they will enable growth

they accept your dirt and grim and brokenness

and love you irregardless...

undressing
i do it everyday... in the physical sense.
i take off clothes and put them in the hamper for laundering,
and proceed to put on fresh, clean clothes, or at the very least some kind of clothes that match my next activity.
undressing
what about my heart, and the very center of who i am.
does that get undressed? do i take off all the selfishness, envy, jealously, anger, lust, pride and well all the other "sin" that clings to me like my very own skin?
i know it is there. it does a great job at reminding me from time to time that "it" is all there and very much alive.
i am convinced that there is nothing i can do to rid it. i have tried. when i try to shed it, there is very little difference in how i feel or how i respond. i cannot shake it.
i have to let God undress me.
i have to ask God to undress me.
i have to be willing to stand still and let him remove "my" clothes.
when he does the undressing, there is a pulling away, there is a deep tearing... and it is painful. i hurt on the inside..deep inside i bleed. and the sight of what he pulls off of me is gross. it is not pleasant to look at, for me or anyone around me. yet, i am not ashamed. i know that once it is gone, i will be more pleasing to God and to those around me who love me with or without that skin.
so the undressing has begun... layer by layer... and it will continue my entire life. but each time a layer comes off, i feel set free. i feel more alive and full.
God is transforming me ...
again...
until the next time...

celebrating...

last week i felt like i had been given a victory in my heart.

i knew that i was not responsible for this "win", because i had tried before to change on my own.

it was only when i begged god and cried out to him through my own frustration that the victory came.

i knew and know today that it was and is him. i could not whomp it up to get through the muck i was trudging through. it was too deep and too thick.

so the victory came.

and in my own celebration i was encouraged to applaud god. clap. clap out loud.

i suddenly felt like i was very gun shy.

what if this victory does not "stick".

what if i go back to standing knee deep in the muck and feel helpless again.

what if this so called victory is just my own feelings having a good day.

so i sit back and wait and watch and wonder,

and celebrate in the quietness of my heart,

knowing he is working and reshaping me and growing me,

and it is good.

music... play on...

there is new music playing in my heart today;
it is quiet and peaceful,
bursts of happy melodies mixed with a sadness the follows me unnoticed, yet very real and close. sadness over the realization that time just keeps passing away,
and change is a very stark reality of life.
i can lose myself in the rhythm and feel my spirit being soothed as the notes play and i turn inward. just me. music. god. alone. and i am content.
i am different.
i am changed.
comfortable with who i am again,
and trusting that the one who made me will keep doing his work on me.
he is the only one that can take darkness and evil and selfishness and control and cause one to let go of them. he loosened my grip. it was not easy. i had to give him permission. i had to yield. i had to bend my knee to him. i had to want to change. yet, he did it. not me. i am still amazed.
and i want the music to play.

loving people.....friendships....girlfriends
there are levels of needs, levels of intimacy,
they are all different, depending on the person,
some need me more than i need them, but that is okay.
there are seasons in friendship and love,
sadness can fill my heart when i think of some.
seasons change
death, new chapters, new birth, growth, deepening.
love with no boundaries,
give your heart,
be available, be close, be open.
sometimes asking more questions,
sometimes less,
waiting and wondering,
celebrate!
embrace the moments together,
hold each other closely,
kiss a cheek, say i love you, share tears,
say those words you have not said before,
live hard and love deeply today
like you may never see tomorrow.

random thoughts

only in south carolina would a nice man from the sherman-williams store ask if he can carry the one gallon of paint out to the car for me.
i seem to have a bottomless pit today in my tummy.
i am missing dawn today in a real big way,
i hate that they are so far away,
and i want to hug on jessica and sarah.
i think i may be in a fog today from too many paint fumes.
i love jerry so much,
but sometimes he just tries to figure out the "whys" of things that are meaningless in my opinion.
like why he has drainage in his throat for instance.
these kind of conversations really do test my level of patience,
kindness, love and acceptance.
i did an amazing job (thank you jesus) of cooking this weekend.
now we have leftovers for tonight and i do not have to cook.
yippee... it is the simple things that give me so much job.
i think i finally have a 50 year old body.
i just am not as "cut" as i was.
i need to work much harder to get that back!
i will do it.
the 30 - 40 years of my life were big years for me.
sharry died.
dawn got married.
i got some counseling.
i fell in love.
i got married.
i become much more comfortable with who i am.
i figured out how god uses me.
i feel very settled today.
i also feel very tired.
but i am not depressed or crazy.
mostly.

sleep well...

i love that you called me tonight and needed to talk.
i loved listening to your heart.
you are not crazy- your concern or worry or whatever we want to call it - is okay.
it is all a part of where you are walking as you get to know and love andy.
i will pray.
if this is all right and good... it will all come together.
God will do that.
keep your hands opens.
you know the peace in doing that.
andy is growing
you are growing
there are bound to be stretch marks in falling in love.
i have them
jerry has them
i will pray.
i love you dear girl

a bad morning...

my morning...
the alarm went off this morning and i tried my hardest to swim to the surface of conscienceness.
jerry did not move.
i finally pulled myself from my bed... it was difficult as i felt hinged to the mattress and my head was clearly cemented to my pillow.
surely it was the middle of the night... it was still dark!
i knew making my way to my coffee pot was in order.
the coffee should be all done brewing and ready to pour and drink.
coming downstairs i turned the corner and immediately knew something was wrong.
i could not smell my freshly brewed "joe", and the little red light was not on.
the coffee had not turned on.
the time change had caused me to change the time on the coffee pot,
and PM should have been AM.
i went back to bed.
slept til 7am

Today...

Loving Father, search the depths of me, and if there be any evil ways in me, correct them, and lead me in your ways - and teach me to love how you love. I pray that I may not be deformed from selfishness, but with a lowly and expectant heart run with patience and endurance the race that is set before me. Enable me to win! Amen.

loving through change...

words that make any kind of sense at all still do not make sense to me as i reflect on my day.
up and down
happy, hurt, feeling pain
loneliness, fear, selfishness,
selfish love
i hated where i walked and i hated how i felt
i prayed
it did pass
but left a wake of hurt
forgiveness was asked,
and given
what is that that grips me so tightly that i cannot breath
nothing makes any sense
reality is no where to be found
i grab for peace
i grab for joy
i know where i am running is not right
so i keep running hoping i will run away from the grip
finally it is loosened and i am "normal"
i embrace change and the birth of new love
i cannot have things the way i want them
i have to ride this out gripping to nothing
i have to walk with open hands,
and trusting
there were many words and tears
there is peace and all is well
i am learning to love through a season of change...

random thoughts....

random thoughts this moring as i sit here with my coffee and look outside.
birds are in full swing and just must know that we turn the clocks back an hour tonight and spring is indeed closer than it was. that makes me happy too. it has been a week. a week that has left me some what drained and desiring outside hiking therapy.
tuesday and wednesday nights i was with dawn.
bringing her dinner and then helping her pack up to move to texas.
she was scattered and overwhelmed in her thoughts.
i was melancholy touching her things.. and placing them in a box.
i laughed as i saw pictures and blankets that she had when we lived together as single women 18 years ago. she still had some of the same "treasures"! she will always have "stuff"... and too much food in her pantry - but she will always be ready for an ice storm or some kind of disaster. she was going to be my hiding place in case of an emergency cause she has all the food! i need a back up plan now.
i said good-bye to lauren yesterday as she is off to a young life camp with andy for friday and saturday. she is doing more and more with andy and becoming more and more emotionally attached to him... and less attached to me. this too is a loss. but it is good. i say it is good in my head, but my heart often still hurts. she will still be with us on sunday for family time. i cherish those days with her.
i am thankful for new friends in my life. it is the first time since we moved her 5 years ago that i feel like there are some "girls" that i can connect with. i just want to be used and love them and walk out life with them.
so all in all it is a good morning. my spirit is good... i want to sit and do some bible study and i feel a freshness towards my God. i want to cling to Him above all else. it has been a very dry season spiritually. i pray i am walking out of the dry desert and into some fertile land.