lip balm

I just saw my friends lip balm.
She's addicted to it.
There are many things she could be addicted to, so I don't discourage this addiction...
I just smile and tell her she has an addiction.

It has been a morning
stayed home to take care of some yard stuff in anticipation of a new patio
3 pots of coffee later and i have yet to have a "good" cup of coffee
what is that about coffee at home
i make it the same every morning
some mornings it is yummy enough to swim in
other mornings i just as soon wash my car with it
i do NOT understand that
loving the yard this morning
trimmed the rose bush that was big enough to reach out and grab innocent by standers
anticipating tonight
we will be hurrying to get the yard ready for the patio men who arrive tomorrow
then we will realize we need to pack for our trip to Savannah this weekend
then we will notice that the clothes we need are in the laundry and
i will not have prepared a thing to eat for dinner
laundry and Chinese food
it will be a quiet night of craziness

Wanting to write...

Frustrated this morning as I want to sit on my porch,
drink good coffee
feel the cool morning breeze
let my thoughts wander
then write what is on my heart.
There is much there,
but it will have to wait.

wandering...

I just came in from wandering in my yard this morning.
That can usually be a very settling spiritual time for me, but this morning it was full of scattered thoughts and prayers and wanderings in my mind. The grass was wet - the air was cool - birds were happy - the creek water was flowing stronger than usual due to the rain last night. I took it all in hoping and praying something would fill me.
I hate this lonely place.
I am never quite sure why I arrive at this place, or why the loneliness finds me.
Usually, I am filled with joy - happy with the course of a usual day.
It all began yesterday, when loneliness and emptiness arrived on the scene in my heart.
Nothing satisfies.
Everything is just not quiet right, including me.
I am not feeling "KC".
I fear the stench of my "nothing is right" attitude will cause even my closet friend to run.
So I pull inward and try to be quiet - but I can't. I cannot find quiet.
I cannot find anywhere inside myself where I am able to rest. Everywhere is dark and empty.
I whomp it up and go through the motions of shopping and dinner.
I crawl under my sheets and pray that God will breath life in me while I sleep and that I will wake up in the morning and all of these feelings will have decided to go bother someone else.
I go to sleep holding onto hope.
I still have hope. If I lose that, I am down in the pit for sure.
I have no answers for all the why's.
I think I may need a hug.

drifting...

Have you ever known someone who is drifting
unattached
not connected
alone
no safe place to land
no one that really knows you
no one that really looks at your heart and embraces your uniqueness
no safe place to love or be loved
I knew one like this, but she landed 2 years ago
I walked into her path
I found her heart behind several thick walls
she discovered a safe place
her heart is beautiful, unique, and now exposing who she really is
some pain and scars are housed there, like all of us
but she is anchored, yet free
she is not drifting
she is walking
she has come home

"cause you have been drifting for so long, I know you don't want to come down. But somewhere below you there's people who love you and they're waiting for you to come home please come home" - Sarah McLachlan

PMS and Church

So, I woke up this morning and knew it was going to be a "PMS" kind of day. You know the kind. Your emotions are one moment what you call "normal" and the next minute you want to hit anyone or anything you can find and EVERY single word that comes out of your husband's mouth is irritating! My goodness he never talks this much until I am "this way" and then suddenly he wants to speak all of his stored up words that make me crazy! And why does he want to tap his hand up and down the music on the radio as he touches my leg? Just keep your hand in one place or move it! I finally tell him as we are riding on our way to church, that I am in "this way" and I love him, but I may not want to interact - talk very much with him today. I have learned this is important for our marriage.

Church.
Why is it in church of all places I can be so challenged to love and be nice and feel happy about being some place to worship my God and pour all my admiration out for Him? So - first Jerry, my beloved husband decided to park in the area where EVERYONE parks at New Spring instead of where I like to park for an easy exit. I said nothing, but I can tell you that I burned on the inside fully realizing that my hormones were falling all over the floor of our car and running up the steering wheel and smacking Jerry in the face. But I said nothing. Really... I said nothing! Then we walked into the sanctuary and I thought Jerry was leading me down front to meet the pastor or ask to help lead worship, or maybe he thought I needed to sit in the front row so I would pay attention. Geez! Can we just sit down here!? We finally find our seat after walking over top of 20 people who refused to move their knees and gives us any wiggle room. Once seated all I could smell is used up already been inhaled cigarette smoke. Grrrr. I look at Jerry and he knows without asking that I want to move. The Queen is near explosion. We excuse ourselves and walk over top of 5 more people to make our way up the aisle and we both decide it would be a nice Sunday to try sitting in the back. We have found our spot! I take a deep breath and try to feel "normal". With that, comes the music to our count down (5 minutes until we start the service) and today that meant 5 minutes of very loud, rap music. What in the world are they thinking! Are we in the right place? Is this church? Again - I am "in a way"! Why do we go to this church. I hate church! I would have so enjoyed staying home and sitting in my chair all alone... drinking my coffee with my hormones all tucked away and reading. Alone! The music ends. Yeah... let's get through this. The lights go dim and there is quiet. The next sound is a very, very loud music note that jolts even Jerry - and then that is followed by other loud music notes and I just close my eyes and want to cry. I made it through the service. I know Pastor Perry said some good things. One that I particularly remember and am thankful for - God is our Father and He loves us no matter what. On a day when I am "that way", these are good words to hear.

On being perfect...

Perfect - entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.
Perfect - to make flawless or faultless.
I , for one think this word should only be applied to things like trees, flowers, mountains, the ocean and it's tide coming in and out, the rose bloom in all it's glory, the taste of a fine wine or the smell of steak cooking on the grill. These things can be said to be "perfect".
People... can people be perfect? Perfect in whose eyes? Family... friends...God's eyes?
What a terrible challenge to even try to gain perfection. I am exhausted thinking about it.
Always, you would have to right.
Never wrong or unsure of yourself.
Always, you would want to look like you just walked out of a magazine...wearing the "right" clothes, put together with the "right" make-up and of course acting appropriately in all situations. And who says what is "right" anyway! There would be NO room for discouragement, anger, complaining, depression, feeling sorry for myself, or wanting to have a pity party and just be selfish. I could not be messy - sloppy - run around like I do on most Saturdays without make-up and my favorite baggy jeans, baseball cap and shirt hanging out as I work in the yard.
I am confident that perfection has a companion.
Loneliness.
I would be so "put together" that I would not need a friend to encourage me or challenge me to grow (I would do that all on my own), I would not need a spouse to love me (that would be selfish), I would not have the freedom to "feel" what is going on in my heart, and thus learn and grow emotionally. Yep - I would be a machine, void of feelings and untouched by other humans. I would not need their touch, although I may ache for it.
I desire to be "not perfect"....
I am me.
I love the best that I can and that is not perfectly.
I embrace all my emotions and feelings... I fall apart and let my friends pick me up. I cry. I weep. I get angry and I laugh. I live life and even fall down into a pit from time to time and climb back out... and that does not look pretty. I don't try to be perfect. I try to be real. I give love . I let others see my blemishes and imperfections, and give them a challenge to love me in return.

Yes - perfect is not for people. It is for wine and food.