I just came in from wandering in my yard this morning.
That can usually be a very settling spiritual time for me, but this morning it was full of scattered thoughts and prayers and wanderings in my mind. The grass was wet - the air was cool - birds were happy - the creek water was flowing stronger than usual due to the rain last night. I took it all in hoping and praying something would fill me.
I hate this lonely place.
I am never quite sure why I arrive at this place, or why the loneliness finds me.
Usually, I am filled with joy - happy with the course of a usual day.
It all began yesterday, when loneliness and emptiness arrived on the scene in my heart.
Nothing satisfies.
Everything is just not quiet right, including me.
I am not feeling "KC".
I fear the stench of my "nothing is right" attitude will cause even my closet friend to run.
So I pull inward and try to be quiet - but I can't. I cannot find quiet.
I cannot find anywhere inside myself where I am able to rest. Everywhere is dark and empty.
I whomp it up and go through the motions of shopping and dinner.
I crawl under my sheets and pray that God will breath life in me while I sleep and that I will wake up in the morning and all of these feelings will have decided to go bother someone else.
I go to sleep holding onto hope.
I still have hope. If I lose that, I am down in the pit for sure.
I have no answers for all the why's.
I think I may need a hug.
1 comment:
KC,
When I was at your transformation point, I described it as a threshold to a newer reality about who I am. I was stepping out of one closet and into another where I found a royal robe depicting, symbolically, who I was, who I was never able to see before because I lived in a pattern that had sustained me once, but was insufficient for my blossoming into my fullness. Don't be afraid to wear the new clothes, to open to your fullness, to make peace with who you have been and who you will be. Love and Light, Susan
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