more dawn words...

reflecting on the day with beautiful music playing in my ear,
wine in my glass
just stopping
listening and being
it was a day
very busy at work, these are trying times
and lunch with dawn
there were tears, there were confirming words of our friendship and how we go forward
when i think of dawn leaving, i can almost panic
what will i do
how will i touch her
she has been there for me for so many years
we have traveled so many miles together
we lived out those precious single years together
we longed for husbands together
we cried over past hurts together and looked for healing at the feet of jesus
we served other women together,
and we served one another
dawn stood by me the last time i remember really being sick
handing me a dry t-shirt and wiping my foreward after throwing up
she was there for me when i had jaw surgery,
waiting for me as they wheeled me out of the emergency room,
all wired shut
lips as big as bananas... or so i am told! i never did see them...
good thing!
she was with me as i struggled with my singleness and wondered if i would ever be married
she was there for me to share the joy of getting married
and we have been there for one another through seasons of hectic life and depression,
and when life seemed out of control
i guess we will always be there for one another,
i just hate that she will be so far away and quite frankly it causes me to gasp at the thought of not seeing her and being able to touch her
what will i do?
i have to trust there will be grace
i have to believe we will keep living out life together
there is no one like her
no one will replace her
and i will miss her
i will really miss her
i will ache
i will cry
but i will keep walking on
and i will love her

and i will rest...

why am i not excited about your word
why do i not want to study
i have a bible study to do and it just lays there
i am not interested
your words don't seem to encourage me or give me life
why
i love sitting with you and talking
i love asking you to take me each day and use me
i know when i have to give you something i am holding onto,
and you give me the grace to do that
am i "luke warm" spiritually
am i just tired
am i worn out emotionally from all the ups and downs of life
i need you to reach inside me and change my heart
if you want me to desire your word, i need your help
to change my heart towards you
i know i need you
i know i don't want to walk without you
i know i am a mess if you are not in control of me
i give you permission to breath passion in me
passion for you
for more of you
and i will rest in that

reflecting...

reflecting...
it was such a great night last night with dawn and mark.
dawn and i sat at the kitchen island for hours laughing,
and remembering people from our past and a lot of crazy
things we have done.
i laughed so hard so many times that my stomach hurt.
it is a bitter-sweet time this morning.
i have joy springing up from inside of me because of this amazing,
deep friendship that has been a part of me for
20 years.
and i am very gripped by sadness with the reality
that we have to continue this friendship long distance in
a few weeks as dawn moves to Texas.
in my sadness
there is a gut deep satisfaction that we love each other
so deeply and know each other so very well.
this is the part of love i really do not like very well.
saying good-bye, moving on,
feeling the ache of being apart.
i fear the days ahead,
i fear the loneliness of not being able to "touch" dawn when i want to...
or when i need to.
she will be thousands of miles away.
but i have to just walk this out one day at a time.
i have to trust this will be okay.
i have to believe the ache in my heart will go away.

more random ramblings...

random
pms
hormones raging and making me late,
and say things i normally do not say!
a feeling of running on the inside of me,
be careful - i may break.
unsure
no mojo
wandering thoughts
no focus
who am i
i am fat
i am ugly
letting all those go and just reminding myself...
this is not normal
this is temporary
i will be okay
wanting to put my head down and nap
wanting someone to hold me
sigh
walk on girl
this will get better
a husband who is tight
frustrated with boy jobs
let it go
let's go have fun
let's go laugh and talk
let's go forget that some days are just hard
dinner
relax
be
love
love me
love others
and then end the day,
for tomorrow brings new mercy,
and grace

random thoughts...

random thoughts are running in my head this morning.
i take a deep breath and am thankful for all the places i can go (in my head) and see God's finger prints;
i see new people that are touching me and my life,
chrystie, kathryn, libby
grace church makes me happy,
i love walking in there and feeling loved,
and i love hearing matt and bill teach,
it is a good place to be.
lauren and i keep walking... stopping and unpacking some baggage, processing, healing and then moving on. i still am amazed that she was dropped in my life... and i get to walk with her.
jerry is engaged and steady in his love for me.
so today there is joy.
there is energy for living today
there is a quiet peace that even though dawn and mark are moving, it will be okay.
coffee is great this morning.
it is going to be a grand day.

a "God Stop"....

i've been wanting to have a "God Stop" for weeks now.
i listen to others share about how they see God work
in their lives...
i know God is at work in mine, but i think i miss seeing Him.
as i reflect on these past few very busy days,
i wonder how often God has carried me and my feet have not really touched the ground.
i believe He has been very close beside me breathing life into my being,
and giving me words and sensitivity and control over my emotions.
and then today, i think i may have really, for sure experienced a "God Stop".
i had to meet up with the terminated vp.
i did not want to call him.
fear was gripping me and i had lost my business edge,
my mojo was still sleeping in my bed.
i was afraid i would call... get his wife and she would be angry and hang up on me.
i kept putting off calling him,
but this morning i had to make that call...regardless of how i felt.
i had prayed one more time and asked God to please have him call me.
and he did.
he called.
and we meet at 11:30 downstairs in our building.
he arrived with his wife.
i arrived with 3 of his staff members that i knew wanted to see him.
there were hugs and smiles.
there were words from his wife and an embrace that was warm and loving.
amazing
we chatted
we said good-bye
he has turned the page in this chapter of the book of his life.
we turned around and came back to work.
and life goes on.
and i had a "God Stop"!

lunch therapy

it's been a week and it is only wednesday... right!?
i prepared for a vp termination
i talked with the vp's staff while the vp was being terminated
i made them cry
but i know my words were as gentle as they could be
i mean how gentle can the words "fired", "terminated", "separated from the company" really be!
you do what you need to do
you put on your game face,
you believe in what you are doing,
and do it
then the pieces are left for you to pick up
that is what we do in human resources
we touch other humans
we make sure they can turn the page and keep walking
we support and encourage
we are available... all the time,
with an ear to hear,
and a heart to feel...

amazed

amazed seems to be the word of the day for me
amazed that i feel good!
what changed?
how can i walk in such deep, dark places and not really know why,
and then walk out of that place and just feel so good?
again i do not know why
so... i am amazed!
what am i suppose to learn in all of this?
that life is just sometimes hard?
that i am crazy in my head sometimes?
that i have a tendency towards being low and depressed?
that hormones affect how i feel and act?
that God does not always give us "fun easy" days?
i do not have answers.... so i keep walking
i rejoice in how i felt thursday and friday
i kick up my heels over the joy of a new friend
i love that i was up and had life and energy to give to lauren and andy and jerry last night
i love that church was just a huge blessing this morning
i love that tears fall easily from my eyes and my heart is tender
i loved seeing chrystie this morning
i love knowing that i can trust my God for giving me grace tomorrow
so i will not try to figure it all out
i was in a low place,
and now i am walking on level ground,
and there is joy and life and love.
i will be satisfied with that,
and stand amazed

there seems to be some joy today
and i pause to thank the one who gives joy
he knows how much i have begged him for a new day
freshness and not the hollow feeling of nothingness
today is new
yet still lingering deep within me there is darkness - sadness
i am choosing to see the light today so to speak through the trees
i know beyond the forest of trees there is life
there has to be
i have to hold on to that hope
i am living with the view of the trees today
and it is well within my soul
mostly