No Other Gods...

So... yesterday i was browsing in my local Christian Book store and came upon a new book, "No Other Gods", by Kelly Minter. (Kelly is a friend of mine that i have known since she was 17 years old. This is her second book and like her father, she is an amazing communicator.) I had been in a very dark place having come down off of meds and quickly seeing that I needed to get back on them. I was having all sorts of dark and distorted feelings... if you have been there, you know the place I am talking about. Without a second thought i quickly purchased her book and got into my car... locked the door... and read the 1st chapter. Her words grabbed my heart. It was good. Refreshing. I later hit bottom with a friend... praying and emptying to God all my crap... all the junk in my heart that He was showing me. After about 5 tissues were used and thrown on the floor.. i was done. What was all that crap and junk? I am still not sure. There are fears and a host of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It was liberating to unload them. My friend and I walked... and then I headed home. I read more of Kelly's book in bed before sleep. I read more this morning before work. She talks about an idol being anything we love and pursue in place of God... it can come in the form of an over-attachment to something... it's taking a good thing and making it an ultimate thing...I know i am capable of walking in those places. There was a huge release and freedom in coming through that time of crying and praying last night. I am lighter and don't feel quite as dysfunctional (i hate that word!) as I did yesterday. Then there is the HUGE thought... how much of this is depression... peri-menopause... and sin? I tire of thinking about it so i just throw it all out there for the Lord to sort through in me. Bottom line... there is peace today.

the cream sofa

Have you ever stopped to think about all the "life" that is lived out on a piece of furniture? I had those thoughts recently when i looked at "our" cream sofa that is now living at Lauren's house. It is a wrap sofa with cozy cushions and lots of seating room. We passed the sofa on to our dear friend last year when we upgraded to a new wrap sofa. So many memories have been made on those cushions.
Jerry and KC movie night every Friday night
Naps and more naps
Watching football
Curling up and finding comfort when sick
A place to sit for girls friends enjoying wine and cheese
Being covered up, packed up and moved to Greenville
Living in storage for 3 months..in darkness
Being a safe, cozy place for a friend to talk
Holding onto me as i held onto a friend crying tears
A place for "family time" with talking and laughing
Moving to 6 Blythewood Dr.
New material covering all the worn cushions
Colorful pillows
Warmth all over the place
Girls night on Thursday night
More tears
Lots of laugher and serious talking
If furniture could speak... this cream sofa would have stories to share

... darkness, emptiness and loneliness,
they surround me today in all their glory.
alone in my thoughts - emotions attached to my every move.
tears fall from an empty heart.
a friend who understands.
i am clinging and holding on...

the week...

The week... a whirlwind of emotions. All over the place. Up. Down. Angry. Emotional. Flat lined. Unable to focus. I am believing it will get better and these days will not have to be lived again.

There is a hint of fresh air being blown around as I see God's hand at work. He is always at work whether we see His work or not, but there is life breathed into me when I am allowed to see what He is doing up close and personal. I see that today in 2 friend's lives. One is experiencing a newness in her relationship with God, and seeing that He is not the God of the "box" that she grew up believing in. She knows He is much much bigger than that. She has been broken... and she has been healed. There is a beauty and freshness about her now that is new. She is herself, not what other people wanted her to be. She is walking out her life - with her God. In another friends life, He is cutting deeply and gently taking his hand and pulling up to the surface past pain. She is broken. She is spilled out. She is learning to be vulnerable. She sat with me over coffee last week and we talked... I listened... she let tears fall from her big brown eyes. God is working in her... healing her. She knows that - and she is listening and walking with Him. Her hands are open and turned upward. She knows this is what she needs. I love the gift of walking with her. I know where she is right now. I know the hurt. I have cried those tears. I have felt the relief of letting the hurt out through the tears. I know the hope of tomorrow. I know the hope that is in Jesus... and His touch. Whether God is using me or not, I embrace this journey of hiking with her. I have done this before. I know that in the end there is a real-ness that shines through the spirit of those that have let their Maker break them... and put them back together. You are never the same. You have embraced the pain, and you have seen the cleansing power of tears and you have felt the healing power of your God. It is so well with your soul.

I want to be a Ragamuffin...

"Lord Jesus, I put my fears aside today and open my heart to you in trust." I just read these words in the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning. It has taken me a long time to read through this book. His words cut deeply - they are not fluff. I am still reading it and will more than likely read it again and again, but I know that I want to be a Ragamuffin.

• Ragamuffins are simple, direct and honest.
• They are not saints, but they seek spiritual growth.
• They accept counsel and constructive criticism with ease.
• They stumble often, but they do not spend endless hours in self-recrimination.
• They repent quickly.
• They offer their broken moments to God.
• Long prayers and big words do not suit ragamuffins.
• The worshiping ragamuffin will not be mummified in middle age by living in the past and refusing to attend to the present.
• God's name is Mercy, for the Ragamuffin.

Yes, I want to be a Ragamuffin kind of gal. It is a journey. I am trusting. I am walking.

Date night...

I had a date last night with Jerry.
We went to the Roper Mt. observatory, and it was fun. In spite of my brain being full from a very stressful week at work, I did enjoy looking at "fake" stars while reclining in nice chairs. Most of the words shared by the teacher doing this presentation sounded like "wah wah wah wah" and I can not begin to tell you what she said. My brain was so full, actually overloaded and spilling out from a full week of stress and noise: lawyer conversations, terminated employee conversation, letters written, IT issues, Wireless access point issues, moving computers and boxing up papers, new carpeting being laid, new employee orientation, paper work, piles, thinking about my 2009 goals and initiatives for the company, VP talks, IRS paper work, TSJ irritations, coaching Betsy, and where do we go to church? There was just no more room to learn about stars, Jupiter and constellations. I did find out that the very bright "star" that we see all the time in the southern sky when we are on our patio is not a star at all.... it is Jupiter. That was worth all the "wah wah wah" noise.

heart and brain dump

I am having one of those mornings when I just need to talk... dump if you will all that is whirling around in my head and pressing in hard on my heart. Why these moments seep into my days I do not know or understand. I just have come to accept that they do come and it is a part of me, and how I am made. When the whirling comes, I call my dear friend and talk and dump it all out. I often feel like a dump truck backing up to her lap, raising the truck bed and letting it go. When I do that it releases it's power and hold on me, and I can move again. And my friend does an amazing job of listening, loving, and not judging me. I am blessed.
Today, I dumped some good questions and thoughts:
1. My body image. Sigh...
2. What am I doing with my life. I want to touch lives. Am I?
3. When will I feel like I have a place of "community" with a group of people?
4. Cleaning my house. It always feels like such a chore. Do most women feel like that. I so could embrace a full time cleaning lady!
5. There is a lot going on at work right now. Do I have what it takes to do my job?
6. I am amazed at people who will not take one ounce of responsibility for their actions. Everyone else is always at fault.
7. Will we enjoy "church" tomorrow? I so want to enjoy this new place and feel like this is where we belong.
8. I love God - the bible seems dry to me right now.
9. Am I normal? Ha! Of course I am not normal!
10. Do girl friends love us better than husbands? Ummm...
11. Gosh, I am middle aged! Is this a mid-life crisis beginning?
The dump is over and I am moving on. Off to clean my house and work in the yard. Then some grocery shopping and a trip to Home Depot with my girl friend. I will hug her and thank her for catching all my "crap" this morning and loving me irregardless. She is a treasure.

birthdays...

There is so much joy in celebrating birthdays of people you love. I did that yesterday. Celebrating Lauren's birthday is not only celebrating that she has added a year to her life, but it is celebrating that she has added life to her years. She has broken free from bondage and a spiritually abusive life style and she has in this past year learned about who she really is, not who everyone else thinks she is or how everyone else thinks she needs to live. She has walked in new shoes.. down new paths.. met new people.. embraced new grace and love.. and left the old behind. Leaving the old behind is a daily journey, but she does it well with a lot of grace. So I celebrate Lauren. I celebrate the new, the life that sparkles in her eyes, the joy that rumbles around in her heart, the humor that flies around us uncontrollable at times, and the simple fact that she knows she is loved.

Flying to Indiana

I am overwhelmed by non-stop work days that have been full of meetings, interviewing for a new position, paperwork and constant interruptions. We are now taking off for a long weekend visit with Jerry's Mom in Marion, IN. I am more than ready to sit on the plane and take a deep breath - a sigh of relief really and just enjoy some quiet and good reading. The flight is crowded. The plane is small. I am in the midde seat (there should never be middle seats!) with Jerry on one side of me and a very big man on the other. His arm is on the arm rest that we share. Clearly, he was in my space. The flight is noisy. I start reading my Leadership book and am soon distracted by the conversation going on behind me. 2 strangers talking non-stop. She is in cancer reseach. Whatever he does includes a lot of travel. Me... I am just trying to ready my book. I cannot focus. I am ADD. The big man is also very "techie". His hands and fingers are in constant motion. Flipping things... manuvering his Ipod or is it his blackberry... constant motion. There is also a small child that loves to scream - rather screech and make us all know that he is over tired and needs a nap, as his Mother explains. I think it is time for a little pill.
Jerry is reading The Shack, and can some how block out the world. Good for him. I am so distracted and amazed at the fact that everyone is not like me. Why do people have to talk and make so much noise? I just turned the page in my book, and I have no clue what I just read! The 2 behind me are still talking, but at least now I know why there is so much chatter. The woman is afraid to fly, so she talks. That helps her keep her mind off that fact that we are 34,000 feet in the air. So -I am still seeking quiet and alone time with my book... but thank you Jesus that I have my feet safely on the ground in IN.

Random Thoughts...

1. I love shopping with my friend. I don't think I could really buy a thing without her. She knows what hangs well on me. We undressed a mannequin or 2 yesterday trying to find that sought after size 2. Calvin Klein.... Ann Taylor - all on sale!
2. A 21 year old saw me at the office this past week. He came in with a co-workers husband to drop off car keys. Once back in the elevator this 21 year old said to my coworkers husband, "who was the chick with the funkie hair and rockin' body"? Me!!?? I laughed so hard when I read that in am email the following morning. Though flattered, tell the 21 year old boy, I am 50 years old and could be his mama!
3. "Mom Judy's" email yesterday gave me a lot of "life". She is consistent in her love of me. She prays without ceasing. She encourages me with her words. She is a good example of how I want to be to my friends.
4. I was reading some old emails between Lauren and I from 2 years ago. We were then getting to know each other. She was covered up with anything that would protect her heart, and the friendship we were growing into would strip all that covering away. She got in touch with her heart and who she really was. It was a sweet, sweet time.
5. My parents are 75 and 86. They just got home from a bus trip to the Smokies. I chatted with both of them yesterday. They were so full of life and fun conversation. I am thankful they still get out to see the world and enjoy their days and live life. I want to be like that when I am older.
6. I love talking with Debbie Gee. She is one of the most hilarious people I know! She is unique.. and just oozes of herself. She doesn't have to do much to make me laugh! I just love her!
7. I love my yard. There is peace there. There are also a bunch of mushrooms in random places. Where and why do they decide to just pop up?
8. Jerry looks so awesome after 3 days of not shaving. I cannot convince him that he needs to look like this everyday!
9. I don't think I will shower today. I am comfortable in my favorite baggy shorts.. Nike T-shirt.. and a baseball cap. No gel for spiky hair... no make up. Just me being all natural.
10. Today is a day for naps..reading and some work.

a new day...

Yesterday was a "down" day emotionally.
My head hurt, I had no capacity to do much of anything.
I read, napped, did some laundry,
wandered back and forth outside. Even being in my yard did not fill
me as it usually does... it was just too hot.
By late afternoon I was convinced the depression I had
walked through the past 8 months was back.
Distorted thoughts were whirling in my head. I felt helpless against the mind games that were using my head as a playing field. Some tears fell and that seemed to help. This morning I have hope in my God, good coffee and am looking at a fresh new day. So far there are no games being played... the coffee is good... and the expectation of a shopping trip with my friend is filling my thoughts.

work and leadership

The last few weeks have been so full of work overload that there has not been much room in my brain for creative writing... or expression. I miss that. My thoughts have to be very focused for all that I run with at work, and that leaves little energy for being in touch with any creative thinking. My thoughts and my feelings are random...cluttered...words don't come out in the right order and for the most part I feel like I am high octane running from work thought to another work thought. It is okay. I love my job... I know I am being stretched and learning much about leadership.
These qualities are being worked on in my life as I journey through my job:

• Competence: it is the leader's ability to say it, plan it, and do it in such a way that others know that you know how - - and know they want to follow you.
• Discernment: smart leaders believe only half of what they hear. Discerning leaders know which half to believe.
• Passion: Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

I am embracing the journey....

The breeze

I am very tired from the week,
all i want to do is stop and "be".
I have to keep going and giving.
The breeze is blowing and it washed
over me - filling me and pushing the tiredness
from the all the cracks of my soul.
I will keep on.

A Duet... by jerry

My husband blessed me with some words in honor of my 50th birthday. To be viewed by him in this way is truly a gift worthy of embracing and celebrating!

A Duet

Wherever you go people are almost immediately charmed by your warm inviting melodies. Toes may begin to tap from a casual distant observer or even the occasional passerby. The passerby might pause asking with an inquisitive eye "Who wrote your music? I have been looking for some time but have not been able to have music like that of my own". They may continue on not having been satisfied with the answer they desired but none the less are aware of having heard something special. “Songs like that aren't written every day. I bet it's going to be a classic" they say to themselves.

People more fortunate... at times maybe presumptuously... counting themselves as an acquaintance, smile as they sing the chorus you play. They may not truly know each verse but still bellow the familiar parts with as much enthusiasm as one might conger; not with too much enthusiasm of course. Someone might be listening you know.

Others know your song well. It is one of their most favorite songs. They bought a recording many fond memories ago. Whenever they are feeling a little blue, they know their spirits will lift just by hearing you. It’s hard not to play it again and again... the recordings in good shape though. It will last a long time with loving care.

The most fortunate person of all though is the one granted the most special opportunity. This once in a lifetime engagement of wonderful melodies, exciting dynamics and outstanding beauty shares the stage as a duet. The instrument and the voice join in perfect harmony creating a heavenly made sound unique to themselves. Together they are able to transcend time and to be fortified with enduring love. And with this love... nothing of kingdoms and principalities from here to ever after can stand against it.

Thank you for allowing me to share a duet with you for the time we have on this life’s stage.

Happy 50th birthday to my special instrument and lifelong partner. Let the music play...

I love you.

His gentle correction...

This morning I woke up feeling somewhat "hung-over" from the busy work week. I was grateful to have been able to sleep past 6am, but still was not so sure I wanted to get out of bed. I finally pulled myself from the cozy environment of my sheets and pillow, and made my way downstairs to the coffee pot for some fresh brew. I plopped down in my favorite chair with coffee and my journal and begin writing. It had been a week! My work days are so full - I seem to be involved with everything going on there - I am being stretched - and it is okay. What is not okay is that I was not able to leave work at work once I left to come home for the evening. I was tight and in major work mode... making it very difficult for simple chit chat with my husband or my friend. I wanted to be left alone...I did not want to be asked questions about my day. I really wanted to come home and get back on email and keep working. That is crazy! Set it down KC! Walk away and it will all be there in the morning. So... I worked hard to let it go. I was able to do that towards the end of the week. How? I have to say it is a God thing. Often I ask him to help me "change" some kind of behavior that I know is not "good" for me or those around me... and I know I cannot do it. Then... I see that I have changed and I have to acknowledge that it was God doing his thing.. helping me walk in his ways and not mine. I am much more content and peaceful when my hand is clasped in his and my heart is open to his gentle correction.

The Shack

http://theshackbook.com

I read the book The Shack.
It was full of love and grace, and a wonderful picture of God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit without any of them being in a "box". They were so unlike what most of us view them to be... or rather, Him to be. Him and Him and Him. 3 in 1. You know.
I cried as I read the last chapters.
Mack was changed... he was deeply loved, and he embraced that love from Papa (God), so he was able to heal from the devastating hurt that occurred in his life.
But before healing could come, he had to feel and let out that pain with cries that came from deep, deep down inside of his soul. And he had to be in a safe place to do that.
We are all broken and need that same healing.
Mending the broken pieces has been a path I have chosen to walk in my life.
One piece at a time.
God has put back into place some pieces that were broken, and also rearranged some of those pieces.
Cracks are still visible, but I am whole.
I think that is why I cried.
I know the place where Mack was walking and it is overwhelming.
Tears must come, and as they flow the hurt - the pain - the thoughts of wishing you could do it over all wash away - there is a newness and love abounds.
You know and believe you are loved.
You know and believe that your life matters.
You know and believe that the pain is worth it.
You know and believe that you are healed.
It is so good.

rain... encouragement

it's gently raining and we need the rain, so there is an excitement in my spirit as i watch the rain drops fall, and i want to yell with my face lifted towards the sky, "keep it coming"!
encouragement...
there is hope inside of me as i see the rain - finally my yard is wet and the grass is actually starting to look green and it does not crunch under the weight of my feet as i walk.
encouragement....
it is life giving breath that we give one another... like rain
we give hope and support to someone
we show our approval and that enables others to keep moving in this journey called life
encouragement...
it falls gently like rain drops on souls that are dry and empty
it wraps its arms around lonely people
the words spoken
the touch given
they become a part of that soul that has needed and desired another human being to care
and then they yell, with their face lifted towards the sky,
"keep it coming"!

friday.....

... the alarm went off and all i could think of was that it was friday... i would make it through one more day and then sleep in on saturday morning. i can do this!

i did not have time for breakfast at home, so i stopped at starbucks for a grande coffee and a bagel. i ordered my pikes place coffee and a mutli-grain bagel with cream cheese. the sweet girl behind the counter leaned forward and quietly told me that they did not have any cream cheese and she was so sorry. ok... can i have butter.. nope, did not have that either. ok - how about jelly? nope... peanut butter? nope. ok - i will take it plain. i told her it was okay... things could be worse... at least they had coffee.

i am so tired it just does not matter, and i have my coffee... the sun is shining... it is friday and tomorrow i get to sleep past the alarm.

Reconnecting...

I just recently had the opportunity to hear from some very special people in my life. It was my 50th birthday and my friend Lauren put together a book full of notes and cards from friends that have been in my life since I was in my 20's. Needless to say, it was a bit overwhelming to read through it. I found myself on the verge of crying before I even opened the book to read each one. There were tears and a flood full of memories that came racing back as I read all of their words. It is good to remember.
Remembering where I was as a young professional woman living alone in Maryland with virtually no friends and living most weekends talking to no one and crying tears of loneliness each night as I went off to sleep.
Remembering Carolyn and seeing something about her that I had never seen before. Spiritually, she was alive, and I wanted what she had.
Remembering sitting in church (they met at a school and I thought how odd that was) and having many "wow" moments as I heard Mike Minter talk through scripture and it actually made sense to me.
Remembering feeling like I had spiritually woken up. I was changed. It was good.
Remembering being single until I was 38, and although there was a season of struggling with that, I loved my life. I loved my friends and the journey I was on.
Remembering Jean and Dawn and all we lived through together as roommates. We laughed and cried from the bottom of our transparent hearts.
Remembering Sharry and how much I miss her and her zest for life!
Remember all the single women that came in and out of my life - as we walked together and I shared with them the best way I knew how to live... day by day... in the moment.
Remembering 3 little girls.. Jill, Jodi and Karen. Now they are grown women of 30, 29 and 27.
Remembering Susan Wells and T7E. She was bound up and together we were able to set her free to be who she was, and not who everyone thought she should be.
People were a part of my journey. Now, so many of them are tightly woven into my very being... a part of me. They have loved me and poured into me, and me into them.
I remember and there is a sense of belonging and satisfaction.
I remember, but I don't want that book of memories to be the end.
So, I keep walking trusting there are more memories to make and people to touch and love.... and another book to fill up.