lip balm

I just saw my friends lip balm.
She's addicted to it.
There are many things she could be addicted to, so I don't discourage this addiction...
I just smile and tell her she has an addiction.

It has been a morning
stayed home to take care of some yard stuff in anticipation of a new patio
3 pots of coffee later and i have yet to have a "good" cup of coffee
what is that about coffee at home
i make it the same every morning
some mornings it is yummy enough to swim in
other mornings i just as soon wash my car with it
i do NOT understand that
loving the yard this morning
trimmed the rose bush that was big enough to reach out and grab innocent by standers
anticipating tonight
we will be hurrying to get the yard ready for the patio men who arrive tomorrow
then we will realize we need to pack for our trip to Savannah this weekend
then we will notice that the clothes we need are in the laundry and
i will not have prepared a thing to eat for dinner
laundry and Chinese food
it will be a quiet night of craziness

Wanting to write...

Frustrated this morning as I want to sit on my porch,
drink good coffee
feel the cool morning breeze
let my thoughts wander
then write what is on my heart.
There is much there,
but it will have to wait.

wandering...

I just came in from wandering in my yard this morning.
That can usually be a very settling spiritual time for me, but this morning it was full of scattered thoughts and prayers and wanderings in my mind. The grass was wet - the air was cool - birds were happy - the creek water was flowing stronger than usual due to the rain last night. I took it all in hoping and praying something would fill me.
I hate this lonely place.
I am never quite sure why I arrive at this place, or why the loneliness finds me.
Usually, I am filled with joy - happy with the course of a usual day.
It all began yesterday, when loneliness and emptiness arrived on the scene in my heart.
Nothing satisfies.
Everything is just not quiet right, including me.
I am not feeling "KC".
I fear the stench of my "nothing is right" attitude will cause even my closet friend to run.
So I pull inward and try to be quiet - but I can't. I cannot find quiet.
I cannot find anywhere inside myself where I am able to rest. Everywhere is dark and empty.
I whomp it up and go through the motions of shopping and dinner.
I crawl under my sheets and pray that God will breath life in me while I sleep and that I will wake up in the morning and all of these feelings will have decided to go bother someone else.
I go to sleep holding onto hope.
I still have hope. If I lose that, I am down in the pit for sure.
I have no answers for all the why's.
I think I may need a hug.

drifting...

Have you ever known someone who is drifting
unattached
not connected
alone
no safe place to land
no one that really knows you
no one that really looks at your heart and embraces your uniqueness
no safe place to love or be loved
I knew one like this, but she landed 2 years ago
I walked into her path
I found her heart behind several thick walls
she discovered a safe place
her heart is beautiful, unique, and now exposing who she really is
some pain and scars are housed there, like all of us
but she is anchored, yet free
she is not drifting
she is walking
she has come home

"cause you have been drifting for so long, I know you don't want to come down. But somewhere below you there's people who love you and they're waiting for you to come home please come home" - Sarah McLachlan

PMS and Church

So, I woke up this morning and knew it was going to be a "PMS" kind of day. You know the kind. Your emotions are one moment what you call "normal" and the next minute you want to hit anyone or anything you can find and EVERY single word that comes out of your husband's mouth is irritating! My goodness he never talks this much until I am "this way" and then suddenly he wants to speak all of his stored up words that make me crazy! And why does he want to tap his hand up and down the music on the radio as he touches my leg? Just keep your hand in one place or move it! I finally tell him as we are riding on our way to church, that I am in "this way" and I love him, but I may not want to interact - talk very much with him today. I have learned this is important for our marriage.

Church.
Why is it in church of all places I can be so challenged to love and be nice and feel happy about being some place to worship my God and pour all my admiration out for Him? So - first Jerry, my beloved husband decided to park in the area where EVERYONE parks at New Spring instead of where I like to park for an easy exit. I said nothing, but I can tell you that I burned on the inside fully realizing that my hormones were falling all over the floor of our car and running up the steering wheel and smacking Jerry in the face. But I said nothing. Really... I said nothing! Then we walked into the sanctuary and I thought Jerry was leading me down front to meet the pastor or ask to help lead worship, or maybe he thought I needed to sit in the front row so I would pay attention. Geez! Can we just sit down here!? We finally find our seat after walking over top of 20 people who refused to move their knees and gives us any wiggle room. Once seated all I could smell is used up already been inhaled cigarette smoke. Grrrr. I look at Jerry and he knows without asking that I want to move. The Queen is near explosion. We excuse ourselves and walk over top of 5 more people to make our way up the aisle and we both decide it would be a nice Sunday to try sitting in the back. We have found our spot! I take a deep breath and try to feel "normal". With that, comes the music to our count down (5 minutes until we start the service) and today that meant 5 minutes of very loud, rap music. What in the world are they thinking! Are we in the right place? Is this church? Again - I am "in a way"! Why do we go to this church. I hate church! I would have so enjoyed staying home and sitting in my chair all alone... drinking my coffee with my hormones all tucked away and reading. Alone! The music ends. Yeah... let's get through this. The lights go dim and there is quiet. The next sound is a very, very loud music note that jolts even Jerry - and then that is followed by other loud music notes and I just close my eyes and want to cry. I made it through the service. I know Pastor Perry said some good things. One that I particularly remember and am thankful for - God is our Father and He loves us no matter what. On a day when I am "that way", these are good words to hear.

On being perfect...

Perfect - entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings.
Perfect - to make flawless or faultless.
I , for one think this word should only be applied to things like trees, flowers, mountains, the ocean and it's tide coming in and out, the rose bloom in all it's glory, the taste of a fine wine or the smell of steak cooking on the grill. These things can be said to be "perfect".
People... can people be perfect? Perfect in whose eyes? Family... friends...God's eyes?
What a terrible challenge to even try to gain perfection. I am exhausted thinking about it.
Always, you would have to right.
Never wrong or unsure of yourself.
Always, you would want to look like you just walked out of a magazine...wearing the "right" clothes, put together with the "right" make-up and of course acting appropriately in all situations. And who says what is "right" anyway! There would be NO room for discouragement, anger, complaining, depression, feeling sorry for myself, or wanting to have a pity party and just be selfish. I could not be messy - sloppy - run around like I do on most Saturdays without make-up and my favorite baggy jeans, baseball cap and shirt hanging out as I work in the yard.
I am confident that perfection has a companion.
Loneliness.
I would be so "put together" that I would not need a friend to encourage me or challenge me to grow (I would do that all on my own), I would not need a spouse to love me (that would be selfish), I would not have the freedom to "feel" what is going on in my heart, and thus learn and grow emotionally. Yep - I would be a machine, void of feelings and untouched by other humans. I would not need their touch, although I may ache for it.
I desire to be "not perfect"....
I am me.
I love the best that I can and that is not perfectly.
I embrace all my emotions and feelings... I fall apart and let my friends pick me up. I cry. I weep. I get angry and I laugh. I live life and even fall down into a pit from time to time and climb back out... and that does not look pretty. I don't try to be perfect. I try to be real. I give love . I let others see my blemishes and imperfections, and give them a challenge to love me in return.

Yes - perfect is not for people. It is for wine and food.

15 Things That Make Me Happy

1. Good, strong, full flavored coffee in the morning... with just a touch of cream.

2. Jerry - when he has worked in the yard all day, comes in and showers - puts on a fresh T-shirt and jeans - splashes on Eternity - arrives down stairs and hugs me while I am enjoying a glass of wine and cooking dinner. He smells so so so good!

3. Walking in my yard early on a Saturday morning with that good cup of coffee. Seeing all my trees and plants - taking notice of how much they have grown. Drinking in the sound of the creek running over the rocks.

4. Arriving at work to realize that I am actually thinking and working with a clear mind!

5. Clothes shopping with Lauren and watching her flip through all the racks pulling out items and speaking with confidence, "this would look great on you KC"! (and it usually does!)

6. Being a size 2

7. Sitting on our porch and sharing a meal with Jerry and Lauren - and enjoying good wine.

8. Napping on the sofa in the sunroom.

9. Going to bed at night - crawling under crisp sheets... and reading.

10. Soaking in the tub with the window open and feeling the cool breeze blow.

11. Talking with Jean on the phone and laughing so hard my cheeks hurt.

12. Planting new plants in big pots for the porch.

13. Doing art with Lauren and actually making something worth while!

14. Working on my castings - my breastplate and "back side".

15. Eating a salad with tuna, goat cheese, almonds and grapes.

"Saving Grace"

It's Saturday morning... one of my favorite mornings.
I can sleep as long as I want to (this morning it was 6:45 - go figure!) and then I very quickly embrace the idea of coming downstairs to make fresh coffee. It is the simple things that mean so much. This morning I brewed "saving grace" - by Ugly Mug. I open the kitchen window to hear birds singing in harmony their favorite songs and I wonder why they are so happy. Leaves are finally birthing on our maple trees and the smell of grass is in the air.
It is going to be a grand day!

Those shoes we wear...

I am just back from my favorite place to buy a wrap for lunch and now that I am in the privacy of my office, with the door shut... I can kick off my shoes! OHHHH - the price I pay for being stylish with the right clothes and the right shoes. My feet are killing me! Dang - they hurt! (That is said in true southern style)

But - today my shoes do indeed look very good today! Hot! They are purple-ish/blue, patent leather and very high heels. EVERYONE loves these shoes. I feel so classy and sheik walking down the hallway - clicking along at a pace that only Charles Gouch can stay with. The shoes make the outfit. It does however come at a cost. In between meetings and outings where I clickity - click down the hallway, I kick these things off my little feet and let them air out and have room to "be". I desire a foot massage right now. "honey"?!!

Let me also say that today I have cleavage. Foot cleavage. Sexy too. I look down at those squished little toes shoved into the narrowest part of the shoe and I see cleavage. Bob Dean says this is sexy and not allowed in Government offices. Umm... I will take cleavage in any way, shape or form.

Off to eat my wrap, wiggle my toes and assure them it is all worth it .

Healing

talk, talk, talk
dig deep
remember and admit
get it all out
push it out from the core
it's all been buried
deeply
know and believe it is over
gone
behind you
not going back
protection
covered
grace
deep healing

Essay on boobs

So - I have thought for some time about writing these words about boobs...or you may call them breasts or "the girls". Mine are small. Very small, so you can imagine that I can have a lot to say about something that I have not been blessed with. Don't we always want what we do not have. I have often really wondered if the "boob" gene was accidentally over looked when I was being formed in my Mother's womb. But then that would mean I was not perfectly formed... and I was.

I often live my days walking through life and all I see are breasts walking towards me, starring at me. Well, some are perky and looking straight at me... others are sagging and in much need of support. They must tire of always looking down! Some... have not a hope of ever being put back in their "normal" place. There is too much of them. Even the best under wire, support bra just cannot keep them up! I have been told that small breasts are a benefit. My feet get clean in the shower... i can run fast without all that bouncing... clothes hang on me well. And I guess all of that is true.

Boobs... I am learning to accept them as a part of me and embrace my "smallness". They are cute... they are firm... they are perky...they will probably never sag. This is good! They do fit my athletic body which is really not that curvy, and very low in body fat. OK, this is good. Very good.

I read recently that a couple studies were done where women visualized their breasts under a warm blanket, and the end result was that they got larger boobs! Up to an inch and a half! I am working on my visualization... nothing has happened yet. Maybe I need a warmer blanket! I will let the world know if I go up in a bra size!

Boobs. I am accepting the fact that at 49 years of age I will probably not grow them any bigger. Although many friends in my life have told me that once I hit 40, things will change. I will gain weight, get fat and grow boobs. Not me. I am still lean and small.

A woman's breast. It is a sensual part of our bodies. It is a the natural place where you draw a loved one to as you give comfort. As a woman I love the feeling of drawing a friend close to my chest for comfort. I feel like I am giving Motherly love and that is a gift. I have not birthed a child.

I think I am still learning to love these boobs of mine. Slowly, I think I am really becoming okay with these "nearly A's". It is time.

Breasts, boobs, the girls.... they are a part of me and make me who I am. It's all okay.

Morning chat in the rain

It started raining here this morning. It was suppose to not rain until the afternoon so it threw a wrench into my plans for the day. Regardless, I decided to head outside and weed and tend to my yard. I talked to my friend while weeding. That is the beauty of ear pieces and cell phones. You can talk any where... any time.
I love these unexpected chats with my friend. We go deep and talk feelings and are safe to say whatever is going on in our heart. There are no walls or rules. Just talk. Listening.
The rain is even welcoming, some what.
Watering the earth, my plants and bringing them refreshment.
We talk and our souls are refreshed and encouraged.
As I pull weeds that are choking out new growth in my plants,
my friend pulls up weeds from deep down in her heart that for years has choked out more life than she has ever realized. She is now feeling the pain from all that choking.
She draws close to that place where she is safe and lets the rain wash over her.
We both are breathing fresh air this morning.
We rest in being known.
We love and are loved.

Quiet

This morning a friend shared some thoughts.
She had been writing, and feelings were flowing.
I listened and then started to speak...share...
I should have just listened.
Sometimes the blessing of listening, and then being quiet is a gift you give.
I am learning that as I walk with this friend.
There is so much inside of her that has been locked away.
As she talks, I listen. Embrace her words. Done. Enough.
Giving the gift of quiet.

Out of the pit

Pit living...
It is the pits!
I sat at the bottom of one this week,
tied up with ropes of past hurt and memories.
Bondage.
There was no freedom,
there was no fresh air.
Release came as words were spoken.
My eyes let the tears flow that had been safely held there.
Vulnerable.
Trusting.
I am out of that pit now.
Joy is back taking it's familiar seat in my heart.
Full.
I am back.

jealously

Jealously is such a bad place to visit
"feeling resentment against someone because of that person's rivalry, success, or advantages"
I seem to visit that place every now and again, whether I want to or not
I just go there
I hate it when I visit there
I know I should not be there, I know better
but I go there
I try not to stay long
It hurts too much
it smells of rubbish and ruin
it is not pleasant
there is no joy
no love
my time there makes me want to cry
I am left alone with my feelings
sad - lonely - not fulfilled - wanting more
So I pack up and leave
and pray I don't go there again
but I have a feeling I will

love and be loved...

Thoughts rolling in my head this morning
what is truth
what needs to be pursued
what can be left by the roadside as i keep walking
i ponder
where i have been
where i am going
where am i going?
does someone have to be right when it comes to spiritual beliefs
or are we just called to love one another
nothing more ...nothing less
let the truth be the truth
let it find us
love and be loved

Trees...leaves... and friendship

Trees
leaves
canopy of shade
roots that grow deep into the soil
friends...
I have had and have a variety of friends in my life over the years,
and now that i am approaching 50 years of living, i feel like talking about them...
how i may have affected them and their lives,
how they challenged me to grow,
how together we shared love and the gift of walking very intimately together as women.
friends...
they could be called "trees"
there are times when they provide shade from scorching days,
and other times when they provide nothing at all...their leaves have dropped and you feel very alone.
i have lived through all the seasons
shade... a full covering of leaves... watching them change color and wave in the breeze.
my friends in VA were abundant
some gave me shade... some i gave shade to,
we laughed and cried and shared our hearts as only women know how to do...
i grew in my ability to love and encourage
that is what i love to do... i die inside without being able to touch women's hearts.
my roots were deep in the VA soil of love and friendship.... safe... secure... loved.
alone,
moving to SC was very hard
lonely... empty... uncovered,
no friends
my roots had been dug up in that move and now they dangled in the air, being scorched by the sun, with no real fertile soil to grow down in ... i needed water... i needed some soil... i needed a friend.
i was no longer a tree offering shade to anyone,
my roots were drying up
i was dying inside...
i remember the day i met my new friend,
i loved her almost immediately,
her heart was kind... her brown eyes sparkled... she had a beautiful smile,
she would be one who would need my shelter,
she would be a place where my roots could grow deep into the same soil her roots were in,
we would share days together... life together,
we would walk through some dark days and days full of nothing but deep, full living of life,
we would both grow and change,
my roots were deep and covered
i would be able to touch a heart
i would grow leaves and blow in the breeze, and embrace life
i would love and be loved by my friend

Saturday Reflections...

Books....
They are full of words that give life, direction, encouragement, entertainment and a place to "go away".
I have only recently really embraced the gift of reading books. (thanks ya ya!)
I do not know why as a child I was not encouraged to read more. I wish I had been.
But, I was very busy playing outside... football with my brother, basketball with my brother and riding my mini bike around the 250 acres of land where I lived. Reading books and playing barbie dolls seemed so boring. Something my sister did... not me. Not enough "action"!
I know better now.
I have a pile of books today that are laying in front of me on the floor.
Calling them "my favorites".
It's good to have books laying at your feet that you can curl up with and become friends.
They require nothing from you. Only that you pick them up and read them. Read their words.
And you can put them down - stick them back on a shelf - share them with a friend - or give them away whenever you wish.
My books ... we are just beginning to share a special relationship.

My Jerry

Jerry
he may not be perfect
but he is perfect for me
he is steady, even, not too up and not too down
he balances me with my ups and downs
does he complete me?
no
I hate it when we try to find someone that will complete us
Completion needs to come from within ourselves as we seek
healing in that place deep down inside us - locked away behind closed doors where all of our fears, hurt and insecurities hide
I don't want Jerry to have that job of completing me
I want him to compliment me
I want to compliment him
I want to lean on him as I prop him up with my words and my prayers
He is the most sensitive man I know
Tears come easy

His touch is gentle
He is manly enough to feel
I celebrate that

I celebrate Jerry
I love him