i am raw right now... with raw emotion
hurting, vulnerable
2 major friendships are changing
i need to get from point A to point B
it is not a switch that i can just flip
it is a process

today is a day that i wish i could turn the clock back and undo something i said last night.
if only i had the power to do that.
i don't.
so i hurt.
and want to make it right.
and i will.
damage is done with mis-spoken words.
i need to think and choose them carefully.

again and again...

So how many times do i have to give god all of me... give him permission to go into all the corners of my heart and make his presence known... to rule over my flesh... to take control where "flesh woman" is reigning. to kill. it is a battle. are there little unseen dark corners within the corners that i thought i had welcomed him in before? places where i opened up the door for him to enter years ago? and now a new situation arises and there "flesh woman" is still strong as ever - way down that one dark hallway in the back corner.. .and the battle is on. even giving god permission to come in and begin the battle against "her" appears to take time. has she been there so long that her hands and feet are tightly wrapped around pieces of me ... pieces of my heart so that it will take time to pry her loose? and in the prying, there is ripping and there is painful tearing... i feel pain. but i want "flesh woman" gone and i know that only jesus can give me that victory. i cannot do this. so i give him free reign to move in and fight the battle. i want victory in jesus. i want jealously and fear gone. i want selfishness gone. i want holy and pure love to reign. i want joy. i want to embrace the new places where he walks me. i want his spirit to rule in me.

i want to be changed.

Tuesday night...

Push through to the other side

embracing fear and the unknown

surrendering

open hands that cannot hang on

the scum of sin rises to the surface

though ugly and unclean, He takes it

forgiven and clean

fresh

not looking back

moving forward to newness

love purely

without jealously and envy

without selfishness

Thankful

change.... growth
what was is not
what will be is unknown
let go.. hang on
hang onto what?
the unknown is unknown
challenges
back away, change focus
be there always
love
love unconditionally
love with no expectation
give
serve
keep walking
hands open
hold loosely
jesus can

So where do I start with blogging this morning. Seems like I have much to say, but not sure what to say. I have rolled around in the mud, been in the bottom of a pit, wrestled with feelings and been frustrated at how those feelings can wrap themselves around me and subdue me. They render me useless and leave me wondering who I am and how did I get to this place. I am without hope and wandering in my mind with no escape plan. Depression had grabbed me, wrestled me to the ground and life was empty. That is where I was. I am back on meds and my days are normal "KC days" again. There is hope.

No Other Gods...

So... yesterday i was browsing in my local Christian Book store and came upon a new book, "No Other Gods", by Kelly Minter. (Kelly is a friend of mine that i have known since she was 17 years old. This is her second book and like her father, she is an amazing communicator.) I had been in a very dark place having come down off of meds and quickly seeing that I needed to get back on them. I was having all sorts of dark and distorted feelings... if you have been there, you know the place I am talking about. Without a second thought i quickly purchased her book and got into my car... locked the door... and read the 1st chapter. Her words grabbed my heart. It was good. Refreshing. I later hit bottom with a friend... praying and emptying to God all my crap... all the junk in my heart that He was showing me. After about 5 tissues were used and thrown on the floor.. i was done. What was all that crap and junk? I am still not sure. There are fears and a host of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It was liberating to unload them. My friend and I walked... and then I headed home. I read more of Kelly's book in bed before sleep. I read more this morning before work. She talks about an idol being anything we love and pursue in place of God... it can come in the form of an over-attachment to something... it's taking a good thing and making it an ultimate thing...I know i am capable of walking in those places. There was a huge release and freedom in coming through that time of crying and praying last night. I am lighter and don't feel quite as dysfunctional (i hate that word!) as I did yesterday. Then there is the HUGE thought... how much of this is depression... peri-menopause... and sin? I tire of thinking about it so i just throw it all out there for the Lord to sort through in me. Bottom line... there is peace today.

the cream sofa

Have you ever stopped to think about all the "life" that is lived out on a piece of furniture? I had those thoughts recently when i looked at "our" cream sofa that is now living at Lauren's house. It is a wrap sofa with cozy cushions and lots of seating room. We passed the sofa on to our dear friend last year when we upgraded to a new wrap sofa. So many memories have been made on those cushions.
Jerry and KC movie night every Friday night
Naps and more naps
Watching football
Curling up and finding comfort when sick
A place to sit for girls friends enjoying wine and cheese
Being covered up, packed up and moved to Greenville
Living in storage for 3 months..in darkness
Being a safe, cozy place for a friend to talk
Holding onto me as i held onto a friend crying tears
A place for "family time" with talking and laughing
Moving to 6 Blythewood Dr.
New material covering all the worn cushions
Colorful pillows
Warmth all over the place
Girls night on Thursday night
More tears
Lots of laugher and serious talking
If furniture could speak... this cream sofa would have stories to share

... darkness, emptiness and loneliness,
they surround me today in all their glory.
alone in my thoughts - emotions attached to my every move.
tears fall from an empty heart.
a friend who understands.
i am clinging and holding on...

the week...

The week... a whirlwind of emotions. All over the place. Up. Down. Angry. Emotional. Flat lined. Unable to focus. I am believing it will get better and these days will not have to be lived again.

There is a hint of fresh air being blown around as I see God's hand at work. He is always at work whether we see His work or not, but there is life breathed into me when I am allowed to see what He is doing up close and personal. I see that today in 2 friend's lives. One is experiencing a newness in her relationship with God, and seeing that He is not the God of the "box" that she grew up believing in. She knows He is much much bigger than that. She has been broken... and she has been healed. There is a beauty and freshness about her now that is new. She is herself, not what other people wanted her to be. She is walking out her life - with her God. In another friends life, He is cutting deeply and gently taking his hand and pulling up to the surface past pain. She is broken. She is spilled out. She is learning to be vulnerable. She sat with me over coffee last week and we talked... I listened... she let tears fall from her big brown eyes. God is working in her... healing her. She knows that - and she is listening and walking with Him. Her hands are open and turned upward. She knows this is what she needs. I love the gift of walking with her. I know where she is right now. I know the hurt. I have cried those tears. I have felt the relief of letting the hurt out through the tears. I know the hope of tomorrow. I know the hope that is in Jesus... and His touch. Whether God is using me or not, I embrace this journey of hiking with her. I have done this before. I know that in the end there is a real-ness that shines through the spirit of those that have let their Maker break them... and put them back together. You are never the same. You have embraced the pain, and you have seen the cleansing power of tears and you have felt the healing power of your God. It is so well with your soul.

I want to be a Ragamuffin...

"Lord Jesus, I put my fears aside today and open my heart to you in trust." I just read these words in the book, The Ragamuffin Gospel, by Brennan Manning. It has taken me a long time to read through this book. His words cut deeply - they are not fluff. I am still reading it and will more than likely read it again and again, but I know that I want to be a Ragamuffin.

• Ragamuffins are simple, direct and honest.
• They are not saints, but they seek spiritual growth.
• They accept counsel and constructive criticism with ease.
• They stumble often, but they do not spend endless hours in self-recrimination.
• They repent quickly.
• They offer their broken moments to God.
• Long prayers and big words do not suit ragamuffins.
• The worshiping ragamuffin will not be mummified in middle age by living in the past and refusing to attend to the present.
• God's name is Mercy, for the Ragamuffin.

Yes, I want to be a Ragamuffin kind of gal. It is a journey. I am trusting. I am walking.

Date night...

I had a date last night with Jerry.
We went to the Roper Mt. observatory, and it was fun. In spite of my brain being full from a very stressful week at work, I did enjoy looking at "fake" stars while reclining in nice chairs. Most of the words shared by the teacher doing this presentation sounded like "wah wah wah wah" and I can not begin to tell you what she said. My brain was so full, actually overloaded and spilling out from a full week of stress and noise: lawyer conversations, terminated employee conversation, letters written, IT issues, Wireless access point issues, moving computers and boxing up papers, new carpeting being laid, new employee orientation, paper work, piles, thinking about my 2009 goals and initiatives for the company, VP talks, IRS paper work, TSJ irritations, coaching Betsy, and where do we go to church? There was just no more room to learn about stars, Jupiter and constellations. I did find out that the very bright "star" that we see all the time in the southern sky when we are on our patio is not a star at all.... it is Jupiter. That was worth all the "wah wah wah" noise.

heart and brain dump

I am having one of those mornings when I just need to talk... dump if you will all that is whirling around in my head and pressing in hard on my heart. Why these moments seep into my days I do not know or understand. I just have come to accept that they do come and it is a part of me, and how I am made. When the whirling comes, I call my dear friend and talk and dump it all out. I often feel like a dump truck backing up to her lap, raising the truck bed and letting it go. When I do that it releases it's power and hold on me, and I can move again. And my friend does an amazing job of listening, loving, and not judging me. I am blessed.
Today, I dumped some good questions and thoughts:
1. My body image. Sigh...
2. What am I doing with my life. I want to touch lives. Am I?
3. When will I feel like I have a place of "community" with a group of people?
4. Cleaning my house. It always feels like such a chore. Do most women feel like that. I so could embrace a full time cleaning lady!
5. There is a lot going on at work right now. Do I have what it takes to do my job?
6. I am amazed at people who will not take one ounce of responsibility for their actions. Everyone else is always at fault.
7. Will we enjoy "church" tomorrow? I so want to enjoy this new place and feel like this is where we belong.
8. I love God - the bible seems dry to me right now.
9. Am I normal? Ha! Of course I am not normal!
10. Do girl friends love us better than husbands? Ummm...
11. Gosh, I am middle aged! Is this a mid-life crisis beginning?
The dump is over and I am moving on. Off to clean my house and work in the yard. Then some grocery shopping and a trip to Home Depot with my girl friend. I will hug her and thank her for catching all my "crap" this morning and loving me irregardless. She is a treasure.

birthdays...

There is so much joy in celebrating birthdays of people you love. I did that yesterday. Celebrating Lauren's birthday is not only celebrating that she has added a year to her life, but it is celebrating that she has added life to her years. She has broken free from bondage and a spiritually abusive life style and she has in this past year learned about who she really is, not who everyone else thinks she is or how everyone else thinks she needs to live. She has walked in new shoes.. down new paths.. met new people.. embraced new grace and love.. and left the old behind. Leaving the old behind is a daily journey, but she does it well with a lot of grace. So I celebrate Lauren. I celebrate the new, the life that sparkles in her eyes, the joy that rumbles around in her heart, the humor that flies around us uncontrollable at times, and the simple fact that she knows she is loved.

Flying to Indiana

I am overwhelmed by non-stop work days that have been full of meetings, interviewing for a new position, paperwork and constant interruptions. We are now taking off for a long weekend visit with Jerry's Mom in Marion, IN. I am more than ready to sit on the plane and take a deep breath - a sigh of relief really and just enjoy some quiet and good reading. The flight is crowded. The plane is small. I am in the midde seat (there should never be middle seats!) with Jerry on one side of me and a very big man on the other. His arm is on the arm rest that we share. Clearly, he was in my space. The flight is noisy. I start reading my Leadership book and am soon distracted by the conversation going on behind me. 2 strangers talking non-stop. She is in cancer reseach. Whatever he does includes a lot of travel. Me... I am just trying to ready my book. I cannot focus. I am ADD. The big man is also very "techie". His hands and fingers are in constant motion. Flipping things... manuvering his Ipod or is it his blackberry... constant motion. There is also a small child that loves to scream - rather screech and make us all know that he is over tired and needs a nap, as his Mother explains. I think it is time for a little pill.
Jerry is reading The Shack, and can some how block out the world. Good for him. I am so distracted and amazed at the fact that everyone is not like me. Why do people have to talk and make so much noise? I just turned the page in my book, and I have no clue what I just read! The 2 behind me are still talking, but at least now I know why there is so much chatter. The woman is afraid to fly, so she talks. That helps her keep her mind off that fact that we are 34,000 feet in the air. So -I am still seeking quiet and alone time with my book... but thank you Jesus that I have my feet safely on the ground in IN.

Random Thoughts...

1. I love shopping with my friend. I don't think I could really buy a thing without her. She knows what hangs well on me. We undressed a mannequin or 2 yesterday trying to find that sought after size 2. Calvin Klein.... Ann Taylor - all on sale!
2. A 21 year old saw me at the office this past week. He came in with a co-workers husband to drop off car keys. Once back in the elevator this 21 year old said to my coworkers husband, "who was the chick with the funkie hair and rockin' body"? Me!!?? I laughed so hard when I read that in am email the following morning. Though flattered, tell the 21 year old boy, I am 50 years old and could be his mama!
3. "Mom Judy's" email yesterday gave me a lot of "life". She is consistent in her love of me. She prays without ceasing. She encourages me with her words. She is a good example of how I want to be to my friends.
4. I was reading some old emails between Lauren and I from 2 years ago. We were then getting to know each other. She was covered up with anything that would protect her heart, and the friendship we were growing into would strip all that covering away. She got in touch with her heart and who she really was. It was a sweet, sweet time.
5. My parents are 75 and 86. They just got home from a bus trip to the Smokies. I chatted with both of them yesterday. They were so full of life and fun conversation. I am thankful they still get out to see the world and enjoy their days and live life. I want to be like that when I am older.
6. I love talking with Debbie Gee. She is one of the most hilarious people I know! She is unique.. and just oozes of herself. She doesn't have to do much to make me laugh! I just love her!
7. I love my yard. There is peace there. There are also a bunch of mushrooms in random places. Where and why do they decide to just pop up?
8. Jerry looks so awesome after 3 days of not shaving. I cannot convince him that he needs to look like this everyday!
9. I don't think I will shower today. I am comfortable in my favorite baggy shorts.. Nike T-shirt.. and a baseball cap. No gel for spiky hair... no make up. Just me being all natural.
10. Today is a day for naps..reading and some work.

a new day...

Yesterday was a "down" day emotionally.
My head hurt, I had no capacity to do much of anything.
I read, napped, did some laundry,
wandered back and forth outside. Even being in my yard did not fill
me as it usually does... it was just too hot.
By late afternoon I was convinced the depression I had
walked through the past 8 months was back.
Distorted thoughts were whirling in my head. I felt helpless against the mind games that were using my head as a playing field. Some tears fell and that seemed to help. This morning I have hope in my God, good coffee and am looking at a fresh new day. So far there are no games being played... the coffee is good... and the expectation of a shopping trip with my friend is filling my thoughts.

work and leadership

The last few weeks have been so full of work overload that there has not been much room in my brain for creative writing... or expression. I miss that. My thoughts have to be very focused for all that I run with at work, and that leaves little energy for being in touch with any creative thinking. My thoughts and my feelings are random...cluttered...words don't come out in the right order and for the most part I feel like I am high octane running from work thought to another work thought. It is okay. I love my job... I know I am being stretched and learning much about leadership.
These qualities are being worked on in my life as I journey through my job:

• Competence: it is the leader's ability to say it, plan it, and do it in such a way that others know that you know how - - and know they want to follow you.
• Discernment: smart leaders believe only half of what they hear. Discerning leaders know which half to believe.
• Passion: Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.

I am embracing the journey....

The breeze

I am very tired from the week,
all i want to do is stop and "be".
I have to keep going and giving.
The breeze is blowing and it washed
over me - filling me and pushing the tiredness
from the all the cracks of my soul.
I will keep on.