empty spaces.. empty places...

what becomes of the empty spaces...
the empty places...
when something is gone and is no more,
what do i do with the hole that is left.
i have to trust that God will shovel some fertile
soil in that hole and mix it up with His love,
and grace,
and breathe His life into that place.
i hate the empty places and spaces.
the void,
the tears that rise up from that hole in unexpected ways,
and times.
growing, learning, trusting and loving deeply...

losing... gaining...

so much right now feels like it is changing and has been for awhile.
i cannot seem to find my rhythm.
things that used to fit, don't fit anymore.
my heart is not satisfied,
and seems to hurt more than it feels joy.
it was such a rough week with lauren.
i hurt her.
then in response to her hurt,
she hurt me.
it was messy, but we walked through it.
we are moving.
and in the moving it "feels" like i am losing,
i keep losing.
i don't know where i fit anymore.
i want to add and gain something...

familiarity...

i visited
history is shared
i love the familiarity of being known.
i was filled to overflowing in just seeing their faces,
and embracing them.
can you save the love that overflows;
the love that you cannot contain because you are full,
and have it wrap it's arms around you when the emptiness shows up again.
or can it be bottled, put on a shelf and opened up on a "down" day.
maybe the "extra" love settles down in the deep crevasses of my heart
and is remembered and pull out as a memory and held closely.
i am pulling it out today.

a gift...

vulnerability...

wear it

embrace it

fear not of it

but guard who you wear it with

and consider those that safely accept that outfit

to be treasured

they are rare

they will enable growth

they accept your dirt and grim and brokenness

and love you irregardless...

undressing
i do it everyday... in the physical sense.
i take off clothes and put them in the hamper for laundering,
and proceed to put on fresh, clean clothes, or at the very least some kind of clothes that match my next activity.
undressing
what about my heart, and the very center of who i am.
does that get undressed? do i take off all the selfishness, envy, jealously, anger, lust, pride and well all the other "sin" that clings to me like my very own skin?
i know it is there. it does a great job at reminding me from time to time that "it" is all there and very much alive.
i am convinced that there is nothing i can do to rid it. i have tried. when i try to shed it, there is very little difference in how i feel or how i respond. i cannot shake it.
i have to let God undress me.
i have to ask God to undress me.
i have to be willing to stand still and let him remove "my" clothes.
when he does the undressing, there is a pulling away, there is a deep tearing... and it is painful. i hurt on the inside..deep inside i bleed. and the sight of what he pulls off of me is gross. it is not pleasant to look at, for me or anyone around me. yet, i am not ashamed. i know that once it is gone, i will be more pleasing to God and to those around me who love me with or without that skin.
so the undressing has begun... layer by layer... and it will continue my entire life. but each time a layer comes off, i feel set free. i feel more alive and full.
God is transforming me ...
again...
until the next time...

celebrating...

last week i felt like i had been given a victory in my heart.

i knew that i was not responsible for this "win", because i had tried before to change on my own.

it was only when i begged god and cried out to him through my own frustration that the victory came.

i knew and know today that it was and is him. i could not whomp it up to get through the muck i was trudging through. it was too deep and too thick.

so the victory came.

and in my own celebration i was encouraged to applaud god. clap. clap out loud.

i suddenly felt like i was very gun shy.

what if this victory does not "stick".

what if i go back to standing knee deep in the muck and feel helpless again.

what if this so called victory is just my own feelings having a good day.

so i sit back and wait and watch and wonder,

and celebrate in the quietness of my heart,

knowing he is working and reshaping me and growing me,

and it is good.

music... play on...

there is new music playing in my heart today;
it is quiet and peaceful,
bursts of happy melodies mixed with a sadness the follows me unnoticed, yet very real and close. sadness over the realization that time just keeps passing away,
and change is a very stark reality of life.
i can lose myself in the rhythm and feel my spirit being soothed as the notes play and i turn inward. just me. music. god. alone. and i am content.
i am different.
i am changed.
comfortable with who i am again,
and trusting that the one who made me will keep doing his work on me.
he is the only one that can take darkness and evil and selfishness and control and cause one to let go of them. he loosened my grip. it was not easy. i had to give him permission. i had to yield. i had to bend my knee to him. i had to want to change. yet, he did it. not me. i am still amazed.
and i want the music to play.

loving people.....friendships....girlfriends
there are levels of needs, levels of intimacy,
they are all different, depending on the person,
some need me more than i need them, but that is okay.
there are seasons in friendship and love,
sadness can fill my heart when i think of some.
seasons change
death, new chapters, new birth, growth, deepening.
love with no boundaries,
give your heart,
be available, be close, be open.
sometimes asking more questions,
sometimes less,
waiting and wondering,
celebrate!
embrace the moments together,
hold each other closely,
kiss a cheek, say i love you, share tears,
say those words you have not said before,
live hard and love deeply today
like you may never see tomorrow.

random thoughts

only in south carolina would a nice man from the sherman-williams store ask if he can carry the one gallon of paint out to the car for me.
i seem to have a bottomless pit today in my tummy.
i am missing dawn today in a real big way,
i hate that they are so far away,
and i want to hug on jessica and sarah.
i think i may be in a fog today from too many paint fumes.
i love jerry so much,
but sometimes he just tries to figure out the "whys" of things that are meaningless in my opinion.
like why he has drainage in his throat for instance.
these kind of conversations really do test my level of patience,
kindness, love and acceptance.
i did an amazing job (thank you jesus) of cooking this weekend.
now we have leftovers for tonight and i do not have to cook.
yippee... it is the simple things that give me so much job.
i think i finally have a 50 year old body.
i just am not as "cut" as i was.
i need to work much harder to get that back!
i will do it.
the 30 - 40 years of my life were big years for me.
sharry died.
dawn got married.
i got some counseling.
i fell in love.
i got married.
i become much more comfortable with who i am.
i figured out how god uses me.
i feel very settled today.
i also feel very tired.
but i am not depressed or crazy.
mostly.

sleep well...

i love that you called me tonight and needed to talk.
i loved listening to your heart.
you are not crazy- your concern or worry or whatever we want to call it - is okay.
it is all a part of where you are walking as you get to know and love andy.
i will pray.
if this is all right and good... it will all come together.
God will do that.
keep your hands opens.
you know the peace in doing that.
andy is growing
you are growing
there are bound to be stretch marks in falling in love.
i have them
jerry has them
i will pray.
i love you dear girl

a bad morning...

my morning...
the alarm went off this morning and i tried my hardest to swim to the surface of conscienceness.
jerry did not move.
i finally pulled myself from my bed... it was difficult as i felt hinged to the mattress and my head was clearly cemented to my pillow.
surely it was the middle of the night... it was still dark!
i knew making my way to my coffee pot was in order.
the coffee should be all done brewing and ready to pour and drink.
coming downstairs i turned the corner and immediately knew something was wrong.
i could not smell my freshly brewed "joe", and the little red light was not on.
the coffee had not turned on.
the time change had caused me to change the time on the coffee pot,
and PM should have been AM.
i went back to bed.
slept til 7am

Today...

Loving Father, search the depths of me, and if there be any evil ways in me, correct them, and lead me in your ways - and teach me to love how you love. I pray that I may not be deformed from selfishness, but with a lowly and expectant heart run with patience and endurance the race that is set before me. Enable me to win! Amen.

loving through change...

words that make any kind of sense at all still do not make sense to me as i reflect on my day.
up and down
happy, hurt, feeling pain
loneliness, fear, selfishness,
selfish love
i hated where i walked and i hated how i felt
i prayed
it did pass
but left a wake of hurt
forgiveness was asked,
and given
what is that that grips me so tightly that i cannot breath
nothing makes any sense
reality is no where to be found
i grab for peace
i grab for joy
i know where i am running is not right
so i keep running hoping i will run away from the grip
finally it is loosened and i am "normal"
i embrace change and the birth of new love
i cannot have things the way i want them
i have to ride this out gripping to nothing
i have to walk with open hands,
and trusting
there were many words and tears
there is peace and all is well
i am learning to love through a season of change...

random thoughts....

random thoughts this moring as i sit here with my coffee and look outside.
birds are in full swing and just must know that we turn the clocks back an hour tonight and spring is indeed closer than it was. that makes me happy too. it has been a week. a week that has left me some what drained and desiring outside hiking therapy.
tuesday and wednesday nights i was with dawn.
bringing her dinner and then helping her pack up to move to texas.
she was scattered and overwhelmed in her thoughts.
i was melancholy touching her things.. and placing them in a box.
i laughed as i saw pictures and blankets that she had when we lived together as single women 18 years ago. she still had some of the same "treasures"! she will always have "stuff"... and too much food in her pantry - but she will always be ready for an ice storm or some kind of disaster. she was going to be my hiding place in case of an emergency cause she has all the food! i need a back up plan now.
i said good-bye to lauren yesterday as she is off to a young life camp with andy for friday and saturday. she is doing more and more with andy and becoming more and more emotionally attached to him... and less attached to me. this too is a loss. but it is good. i say it is good in my head, but my heart often still hurts. she will still be with us on sunday for family time. i cherish those days with her.
i am thankful for new friends in my life. it is the first time since we moved her 5 years ago that i feel like there are some "girls" that i can connect with. i just want to be used and love them and walk out life with them.
so all in all it is a good morning. my spirit is good... i want to sit and do some bible study and i feel a freshness towards my God. i want to cling to Him above all else. it has been a very dry season spiritually. i pray i am walking out of the dry desert and into some fertile land.

more dawn words...

reflecting on the day with beautiful music playing in my ear,
wine in my glass
just stopping
listening and being
it was a day
very busy at work, these are trying times
and lunch with dawn
there were tears, there were confirming words of our friendship and how we go forward
when i think of dawn leaving, i can almost panic
what will i do
how will i touch her
she has been there for me for so many years
we have traveled so many miles together
we lived out those precious single years together
we longed for husbands together
we cried over past hurts together and looked for healing at the feet of jesus
we served other women together,
and we served one another
dawn stood by me the last time i remember really being sick
handing me a dry t-shirt and wiping my foreward after throwing up
she was there for me when i had jaw surgery,
waiting for me as they wheeled me out of the emergency room,
all wired shut
lips as big as bananas... or so i am told! i never did see them...
good thing!
she was with me as i struggled with my singleness and wondered if i would ever be married
she was there for me to share the joy of getting married
and we have been there for one another through seasons of hectic life and depression,
and when life seemed out of control
i guess we will always be there for one another,
i just hate that she will be so far away and quite frankly it causes me to gasp at the thought of not seeing her and being able to touch her
what will i do?
i have to trust there will be grace
i have to believe we will keep living out life together
there is no one like her
no one will replace her
and i will miss her
i will really miss her
i will ache
i will cry
but i will keep walking on
and i will love her

and i will rest...

why am i not excited about your word
why do i not want to study
i have a bible study to do and it just lays there
i am not interested
your words don't seem to encourage me or give me life
why
i love sitting with you and talking
i love asking you to take me each day and use me
i know when i have to give you something i am holding onto,
and you give me the grace to do that
am i "luke warm" spiritually
am i just tired
am i worn out emotionally from all the ups and downs of life
i need you to reach inside me and change my heart
if you want me to desire your word, i need your help
to change my heart towards you
i know i need you
i know i don't want to walk without you
i know i am a mess if you are not in control of me
i give you permission to breath passion in me
passion for you
for more of you
and i will rest in that

reflecting...

reflecting...
it was such a great night last night with dawn and mark.
dawn and i sat at the kitchen island for hours laughing,
and remembering people from our past and a lot of crazy
things we have done.
i laughed so hard so many times that my stomach hurt.
it is a bitter-sweet time this morning.
i have joy springing up from inside of me because of this amazing,
deep friendship that has been a part of me for
20 years.
and i am very gripped by sadness with the reality
that we have to continue this friendship long distance in
a few weeks as dawn moves to Texas.
in my sadness
there is a gut deep satisfaction that we love each other
so deeply and know each other so very well.
this is the part of love i really do not like very well.
saying good-bye, moving on,
feeling the ache of being apart.
i fear the days ahead,
i fear the loneliness of not being able to "touch" dawn when i want to...
or when i need to.
she will be thousands of miles away.
but i have to just walk this out one day at a time.
i have to trust this will be okay.
i have to believe the ache in my heart will go away.

more random ramblings...

random
pms
hormones raging and making me late,
and say things i normally do not say!
a feeling of running on the inside of me,
be careful - i may break.
unsure
no mojo
wandering thoughts
no focus
who am i
i am fat
i am ugly
letting all those go and just reminding myself...
this is not normal
this is temporary
i will be okay
wanting to put my head down and nap
wanting someone to hold me
sigh
walk on girl
this will get better
a husband who is tight
frustrated with boy jobs
let it go
let's go have fun
let's go laugh and talk
let's go forget that some days are just hard
dinner
relax
be
love
love me
love others
and then end the day,
for tomorrow brings new mercy,
and grace

random thoughts...

random thoughts are running in my head this morning.
i take a deep breath and am thankful for all the places i can go (in my head) and see God's finger prints;
i see new people that are touching me and my life,
chrystie, kathryn, libby
grace church makes me happy,
i love walking in there and feeling loved,
and i love hearing matt and bill teach,
it is a good place to be.
lauren and i keep walking... stopping and unpacking some baggage, processing, healing and then moving on. i still am amazed that she was dropped in my life... and i get to walk with her.
jerry is engaged and steady in his love for me.
so today there is joy.
there is energy for living today
there is a quiet peace that even though dawn and mark are moving, it will be okay.
coffee is great this morning.
it is going to be a grand day.

a "God Stop"....

i've been wanting to have a "God Stop" for weeks now.
i listen to others share about how they see God work
in their lives...
i know God is at work in mine, but i think i miss seeing Him.
as i reflect on these past few very busy days,
i wonder how often God has carried me and my feet have not really touched the ground.
i believe He has been very close beside me breathing life into my being,
and giving me words and sensitivity and control over my emotions.
and then today, i think i may have really, for sure experienced a "God Stop".
i had to meet up with the terminated vp.
i did not want to call him.
fear was gripping me and i had lost my business edge,
my mojo was still sleeping in my bed.
i was afraid i would call... get his wife and she would be angry and hang up on me.
i kept putting off calling him,
but this morning i had to make that call...regardless of how i felt.
i had prayed one more time and asked God to please have him call me.
and he did.
he called.
and we meet at 11:30 downstairs in our building.
he arrived with his wife.
i arrived with 3 of his staff members that i knew wanted to see him.
there were hugs and smiles.
there were words from his wife and an embrace that was warm and loving.
amazing
we chatted
we said good-bye
he has turned the page in this chapter of the book of his life.
we turned around and came back to work.
and life goes on.
and i had a "God Stop"!