more dawn words...

reflecting on the day with beautiful music playing in my ear,
wine in my glass
just stopping
listening and being
it was a day
very busy at work, these are trying times
and lunch with dawn
there were tears, there were confirming words of our friendship and how we go forward
when i think of dawn leaving, i can almost panic
what will i do
how will i touch her
she has been there for me for so many years
we have traveled so many miles together
we lived out those precious single years together
we longed for husbands together
we cried over past hurts together and looked for healing at the feet of jesus
we served other women together,
and we served one another
dawn stood by me the last time i remember really being sick
handing me a dry t-shirt and wiping my foreward after throwing up
she was there for me when i had jaw surgery,
waiting for me as they wheeled me out of the emergency room,
all wired shut
lips as big as bananas... or so i am told! i never did see them...
good thing!
she was with me as i struggled with my singleness and wondered if i would ever be married
she was there for me to share the joy of getting married
and we have been there for one another through seasons of hectic life and depression,
and when life seemed out of control
i guess we will always be there for one another,
i just hate that she will be so far away and quite frankly it causes me to gasp at the thought of not seeing her and being able to touch her
what will i do?
i have to trust there will be grace
i have to believe we will keep living out life together
there is no one like her
no one will replace her
and i will miss her
i will really miss her
i will ache
i will cry
but i will keep walking on
and i will love her

and i will rest...

why am i not excited about your word
why do i not want to study
i have a bible study to do and it just lays there
i am not interested
your words don't seem to encourage me or give me life
why
i love sitting with you and talking
i love asking you to take me each day and use me
i know when i have to give you something i am holding onto,
and you give me the grace to do that
am i "luke warm" spiritually
am i just tired
am i worn out emotionally from all the ups and downs of life
i need you to reach inside me and change my heart
if you want me to desire your word, i need your help
to change my heart towards you
i know i need you
i know i don't want to walk without you
i know i am a mess if you are not in control of me
i give you permission to breath passion in me
passion for you
for more of you
and i will rest in that

reflecting...

reflecting...
it was such a great night last night with dawn and mark.
dawn and i sat at the kitchen island for hours laughing,
and remembering people from our past and a lot of crazy
things we have done.
i laughed so hard so many times that my stomach hurt.
it is a bitter-sweet time this morning.
i have joy springing up from inside of me because of this amazing,
deep friendship that has been a part of me for
20 years.
and i am very gripped by sadness with the reality
that we have to continue this friendship long distance in
a few weeks as dawn moves to Texas.
in my sadness
there is a gut deep satisfaction that we love each other
so deeply and know each other so very well.
this is the part of love i really do not like very well.
saying good-bye, moving on,
feeling the ache of being apart.
i fear the days ahead,
i fear the loneliness of not being able to "touch" dawn when i want to...
or when i need to.
she will be thousands of miles away.
but i have to just walk this out one day at a time.
i have to trust this will be okay.
i have to believe the ache in my heart will go away.

more random ramblings...

random
pms
hormones raging and making me late,
and say things i normally do not say!
a feeling of running on the inside of me,
be careful - i may break.
unsure
no mojo
wandering thoughts
no focus
who am i
i am fat
i am ugly
letting all those go and just reminding myself...
this is not normal
this is temporary
i will be okay
wanting to put my head down and nap
wanting someone to hold me
sigh
walk on girl
this will get better
a husband who is tight
frustrated with boy jobs
let it go
let's go have fun
let's go laugh and talk
let's go forget that some days are just hard
dinner
relax
be
love
love me
love others
and then end the day,
for tomorrow brings new mercy,
and grace

random thoughts...

random thoughts are running in my head this morning.
i take a deep breath and am thankful for all the places i can go (in my head) and see God's finger prints;
i see new people that are touching me and my life,
chrystie, kathryn, libby
grace church makes me happy,
i love walking in there and feeling loved,
and i love hearing matt and bill teach,
it is a good place to be.
lauren and i keep walking... stopping and unpacking some baggage, processing, healing and then moving on. i still am amazed that she was dropped in my life... and i get to walk with her.
jerry is engaged and steady in his love for me.
so today there is joy.
there is energy for living today
there is a quiet peace that even though dawn and mark are moving, it will be okay.
coffee is great this morning.
it is going to be a grand day.

a "God Stop"....

i've been wanting to have a "God Stop" for weeks now.
i listen to others share about how they see God work
in their lives...
i know God is at work in mine, but i think i miss seeing Him.
as i reflect on these past few very busy days,
i wonder how often God has carried me and my feet have not really touched the ground.
i believe He has been very close beside me breathing life into my being,
and giving me words and sensitivity and control over my emotions.
and then today, i think i may have really, for sure experienced a "God Stop".
i had to meet up with the terminated vp.
i did not want to call him.
fear was gripping me and i had lost my business edge,
my mojo was still sleeping in my bed.
i was afraid i would call... get his wife and she would be angry and hang up on me.
i kept putting off calling him,
but this morning i had to make that call...regardless of how i felt.
i had prayed one more time and asked God to please have him call me.
and he did.
he called.
and we meet at 11:30 downstairs in our building.
he arrived with his wife.
i arrived with 3 of his staff members that i knew wanted to see him.
there were hugs and smiles.
there were words from his wife and an embrace that was warm and loving.
amazing
we chatted
we said good-bye
he has turned the page in this chapter of the book of his life.
we turned around and came back to work.
and life goes on.
and i had a "God Stop"!

lunch therapy

it's been a week and it is only wednesday... right!?
i prepared for a vp termination
i talked with the vp's staff while the vp was being terminated
i made them cry
but i know my words were as gentle as they could be
i mean how gentle can the words "fired", "terminated", "separated from the company" really be!
you do what you need to do
you put on your game face,
you believe in what you are doing,
and do it
then the pieces are left for you to pick up
that is what we do in human resources
we touch other humans
we make sure they can turn the page and keep walking
we support and encourage
we are available... all the time,
with an ear to hear,
and a heart to feel...

amazed

amazed seems to be the word of the day for me
amazed that i feel good!
what changed?
how can i walk in such deep, dark places and not really know why,
and then walk out of that place and just feel so good?
again i do not know why
so... i am amazed!
what am i suppose to learn in all of this?
that life is just sometimes hard?
that i am crazy in my head sometimes?
that i have a tendency towards being low and depressed?
that hormones affect how i feel and act?
that God does not always give us "fun easy" days?
i do not have answers.... so i keep walking
i rejoice in how i felt thursday and friday
i kick up my heels over the joy of a new friend
i love that i was up and had life and energy to give to lauren and andy and jerry last night
i love that church was just a huge blessing this morning
i love that tears fall easily from my eyes and my heart is tender
i loved seeing chrystie this morning
i love knowing that i can trust my God for giving me grace tomorrow
so i will not try to figure it all out
i was in a low place,
and now i am walking on level ground,
and there is joy and life and love.
i will be satisfied with that,
and stand amazed

there seems to be some joy today
and i pause to thank the one who gives joy
he knows how much i have begged him for a new day
freshness and not the hollow feeling of nothingness
today is new
yet still lingering deep within me there is darkness - sadness
i am choosing to see the light today so to speak through the trees
i know beyond the forest of trees there is life
there has to be
i have to hold on to that hope
i am living with the view of the trees today
and it is well within my soul
mostly

the routine

our lives are connected tightly
we have created a routine
change has broken up the "suppose to be this way" a bit
the routine is not as routine anymore
not like is always has been
i understand all the whys
my head gets it
my heart is slow to respond
in time
it just takes time
new patterns
new knitting
new weaving of lives
and the connection of new lives
i am learning to embrace all of it

Happy New Year

2009
a clean slate that has no chalk on it yet
new choices
new people
new friends
new experiences
walking out days with a desire to influence
to leave an imprint on lives and hearts
letting go of what is comfortable and embracing all things new
standing and walking in grace
just being

i am raw right now... with raw emotion
hurting, vulnerable
2 major friendships are changing
i need to get from point A to point B
it is not a switch that i can just flip
it is a process

today is a day that i wish i could turn the clock back and undo something i said last night.
if only i had the power to do that.
i don't.
so i hurt.
and want to make it right.
and i will.
damage is done with mis-spoken words.
i need to think and choose them carefully.

again and again...

So how many times do i have to give god all of me... give him permission to go into all the corners of my heart and make his presence known... to rule over my flesh... to take control where "flesh woman" is reigning. to kill. it is a battle. are there little unseen dark corners within the corners that i thought i had welcomed him in before? places where i opened up the door for him to enter years ago? and now a new situation arises and there "flesh woman" is still strong as ever - way down that one dark hallway in the back corner.. .and the battle is on. even giving god permission to come in and begin the battle against "her" appears to take time. has she been there so long that her hands and feet are tightly wrapped around pieces of me ... pieces of my heart so that it will take time to pry her loose? and in the prying, there is ripping and there is painful tearing... i feel pain. but i want "flesh woman" gone and i know that only jesus can give me that victory. i cannot do this. so i give him free reign to move in and fight the battle. i want victory in jesus. i want jealously and fear gone. i want selfishness gone. i want holy and pure love to reign. i want joy. i want to embrace the new places where he walks me. i want his spirit to rule in me.

i want to be changed.

Tuesday night...

Push through to the other side

embracing fear and the unknown

surrendering

open hands that cannot hang on

the scum of sin rises to the surface

though ugly and unclean, He takes it

forgiven and clean

fresh

not looking back

moving forward to newness

love purely

without jealously and envy

without selfishness

Thankful

change.... growth
what was is not
what will be is unknown
let go.. hang on
hang onto what?
the unknown is unknown
challenges
back away, change focus
be there always
love
love unconditionally
love with no expectation
give
serve
keep walking
hands open
hold loosely
jesus can

So where do I start with blogging this morning. Seems like I have much to say, but not sure what to say. I have rolled around in the mud, been in the bottom of a pit, wrestled with feelings and been frustrated at how those feelings can wrap themselves around me and subdue me. They render me useless and leave me wondering who I am and how did I get to this place. I am without hope and wandering in my mind with no escape plan. Depression had grabbed me, wrestled me to the ground and life was empty. That is where I was. I am back on meds and my days are normal "KC days" again. There is hope.

No Other Gods...

So... yesterday i was browsing in my local Christian Book store and came upon a new book, "No Other Gods", by Kelly Minter. (Kelly is a friend of mine that i have known since she was 17 years old. This is her second book and like her father, she is an amazing communicator.) I had been in a very dark place having come down off of meds and quickly seeing that I needed to get back on them. I was having all sorts of dark and distorted feelings... if you have been there, you know the place I am talking about. Without a second thought i quickly purchased her book and got into my car... locked the door... and read the 1st chapter. Her words grabbed my heart. It was good. Refreshing. I later hit bottom with a friend... praying and emptying to God all my crap... all the junk in my heart that He was showing me. After about 5 tissues were used and thrown on the floor.. i was done. What was all that crap and junk? I am still not sure. There are fears and a host of unpleasant thoughts and feelings. It was liberating to unload them. My friend and I walked... and then I headed home. I read more of Kelly's book in bed before sleep. I read more this morning before work. She talks about an idol being anything we love and pursue in place of God... it can come in the form of an over-attachment to something... it's taking a good thing and making it an ultimate thing...I know i am capable of walking in those places. There was a huge release and freedom in coming through that time of crying and praying last night. I am lighter and don't feel quite as dysfunctional (i hate that word!) as I did yesterday. Then there is the HUGE thought... how much of this is depression... peri-menopause... and sin? I tire of thinking about it so i just throw it all out there for the Lord to sort through in me. Bottom line... there is peace today.

the cream sofa

Have you ever stopped to think about all the "life" that is lived out on a piece of furniture? I had those thoughts recently when i looked at "our" cream sofa that is now living at Lauren's house. It is a wrap sofa with cozy cushions and lots of seating room. We passed the sofa on to our dear friend last year when we upgraded to a new wrap sofa. So many memories have been made on those cushions.
Jerry and KC movie night every Friday night
Naps and more naps
Watching football
Curling up and finding comfort when sick
A place to sit for girls friends enjoying wine and cheese
Being covered up, packed up and moved to Greenville
Living in storage for 3 months..in darkness
Being a safe, cozy place for a friend to talk
Holding onto me as i held onto a friend crying tears
A place for "family time" with talking and laughing
Moving to 6 Blythewood Dr.
New material covering all the worn cushions
Colorful pillows
Warmth all over the place
Girls night on Thursday night
More tears
Lots of laugher and serious talking
If furniture could speak... this cream sofa would have stories to share

... darkness, emptiness and loneliness,
they surround me today in all their glory.
alone in my thoughts - emotions attached to my every move.
tears fall from an empty heart.
a friend who understands.
i am clinging and holding on...