So... this is a quote i have at my desk at work and when i was working through a pile of papers this week that had collected in my drawer, i found it again. i had a "AH HA" moment! i am a "driver" - i push myself - i desire excellence in all that i do... in my marriage, my friendships, my work, my home.... what had been missing for me was the "push" in my life physically. i am and always have been athletic. i lived my dream in high school being on every varsity team - and being named "outstanding athlete of the year" my senior year. now, as i am well out of high school, i have enjoyed hiking 14'ers in CO and CA with my husband, weight training and just about anything that pushes me physically. but, i had an ache for more. i knew on a daily basis my workouts could be "harder". i knew my body had more to give. so i made a commitment in January to a 12 week class called Hard Bodiez. in this class i was under the loving wing of Ramona, who delivered kick butt workouts, seasoned with love, humor, and encouragement. in this class is where i learned about eating a clean diet and performing the kind of exercise that would deliver a ripped physique. i was pushed harder in my workouts and once my body got over the initial "shock" of muscle fatigue, i was hooked! i felt like the missing piece in my life was put in place and everything about me was now connected. i was able to push through my days with more clarity in my thinking and decision making ability, i felt better about my physique, and even though i did not have weight to lose, i was becoming more lean and defined. the empty hole had been filled. most people in my life don't understand or get it. it is okay - they don't have to. i know what this new world of fitness has done for me and i breathe in every workout and encouragement spoken by Ramona. it is a part of me and who i am now. i am living my best life and all areas of it are now connected.

i never want to let you go because ....

i love how you gently wrap your arms around me and pray over me in the morning before you go to work - i feel very covered when you do that.
i love how you laugh with me like a child... we are just big kids!!
i love how you let your beard grow over the weekend, just because you know i love it.
i love how you let me be me.
i love that you love my girlfriends.
i love that your words are always kind, gentle, pure, loving - they reveal your heart.
i love that you like to stay fit... and lean.
i love that you love to hike with me.
i love that you can do so many things around the house and yard... you are my own make it happen and fix it man.
i love that you celebrate my successes and the races in life I run.
i love that you know my strengths and encourage me in those.
i love that you know my weaknesses and are patient and give me grace.
i love that you have a tender heart and you cry.
i love that even though you don't like coffee, you willing let me stop at starbucks when we travel - just so i am happy.
i love that you tell me "i love you" every day - and usually many times a day.
i love that you to spend time with me.
i love that you care about family and friends.
i love that you saw me one day and wanted to pursue me.
i love that you captured my heart.
i love that i have you to come home to every day.
i love you - and celebrate you on your birthday... and will never let you go...

MOTIVATION!
it is interesting to think about what motivates me. what REALLY motivates me.
for instance... this morning at Hard Bodiez class with Ramona - i was very motivated. i have been very motivated in this class. why?
it is because i am doing something i love... working out - pushing myself physically.
i am being trained by someone that is an expert in this field.
i have respect and admiration for her and what she does.
i have a love for her and feel very connected.
CONNECTED!
i feel a deep soul connection with her.
she motivates me.
people i love and make a deep soul connection with motivate me.
SOUL
i am thinking of several people in my life that have motivated me over the years.
and there are those now in my life that motivate me.
is it the person that motivates me?
is it the fact that they take an interest in me and want to know me,
really know me?
really know my heart?
is it their care and sincere love for me that motivates me?
LOVE
does love have anything to do with motivation?
love is a powerful emotion.
i know it can give life
i know it can change a person deeply.

the deep connection to another soul who wants to know me and love me motivates me.
.. and that motivates me to accomplish the goals i have already set for myself.

..tears and thankful

... i walked into work on friday with tears that had come up from the depths of my heart and were settled at my throat... i needed to keep moving and get busy with my work at hand...
i had an early morning appointment for a diagnostic mammogram. sigh. a "lump" was found earlier in the week and my Dr. wanted to "make sure" it was okay.
i worked hard for 3 days to have "faith" in the very fact that God holds my life... this is nothing. it will be fine. i have no cancer in my family. you know the self talk we do when we need to do it.
i went to the gym for a morning workout - and well - that did not go well. i had cramps and felt awful. i was up-tight. i was fearful. i was closed off. i was in my own little world. i realized how off i was when i tried to interact with my friend and my walls were up in a self protecting mode. i declared i was going home. i got in my car... put on my ipod music and let the tears flow. tears filled with fear and the uncertainty of what the morning results would be. it was a very good emotional release for me and as i cried - i also prayed - and there was peace.
Next... the mammogram. done. waiting. alone in a little room. more waiting. the knock on the door to tell me that "they" wanted to do a sonogram as well. this cannot be good. in 30 seconds or less, i think through my life - my people - my husband - my job and co-workers - how would i handle this if i need to walk through a journey of cancer? i remember that i have a friend waiting for me in the waiting room. she is a new friend - but we seem to connect at a deep level and she knows me pretty well. knowing she is there gives me strength. i remember another friend that sent a text early in the morning telling me she was praying. and 3 other friends that were praying as well. and my husband that wrapped me in his arms that morning and prayed. even if the news was bad - i would be okay. i would tackle that like i do with everything else in my life - with determination to win! the sonogram proves to be the test that would make my fear go away. i could see the lump up on the screen. the technician said it was a lymph node and looked normal. blood was flowing through it. all good... but she would take those pictures off to the dr. i get dressed feeling a bit better. 10 minutes later the good news arrives through this sweet technician that is probably all of 28 - "everything is normal - you can leave."

i leave with my friend and say good-bye, i love you, and hug her in the parking lot. tears are rising up as i walk to my car. i call another friend to give her the good news... and as i am saying good bye to her, my husband calls to see how everything went. i am thankful. full. wanting to grab my days and LIVE hard... make a difference... love extravagantly ... spill joy into others lives... be me....

reflections...

reflections of my week...
the settling in of a new friendship
over loaded at work with the grip of anxiety coming and going
saying no to something i started, it just does not work for me
again, coming to the conclusion that i do not fit a "mold",
and i like that. i want to just be me.
being physically pushed in hard bodiez with 2 really good hard workouts.
who knew pushing a wooden box could stir up so much emotion! :-)
love it! hate it! loved seeing ramona at the end of the "push" smiling.
a commitment to a beth moore event with a new friend,
i know that will be a sweet time with spiritual pouring in from beth,
and time for us to grow deeper in a friendship that has been birthed so quickly.
being blessed with so many faces in my work place that i have grown to love.
please, let me be a source of jesus love there... with his love overflowing from me
so that is splashes on those all around me.
some heaviness in "wishing" life was different for a dear one that lays on my heart most days.
i cannot "fix" it.
i know the pain - she presses on - she endures for the sake of others that she loves and puts first.
god showed up at small group. a great night. i loved being there. sweet community.
i love being surprised.
i feel very loved and held by the one who made me.

finger prints of god...

today was one of those days when i felt like i saw you all over the place;
i saw you in the beauty of an early morning drive to work out;
i saw you in the sweet conversation of a dear friend i had felt was distant;
i saw you in my office where you have given me the most amazing people to work with;
i saw you in my small group and the growing connection with those dear people;
i saw you in the late night email with a sweet friend who had been praying for me;

it was a day covered in finger prints of god...

..overloaded

.. i had an overloaded moment today
too much running in my head
feeling stress/anxiety in my heart
i sought to try to figure it all out,
writing always helps and i think it did this time with a major heart dump.
i want to be involved with events/activities that bring value to my life,
and value, encouragement, joy, love and life to the lives of people that i walk with,
everything else feels like "noise"...

...beauty in the barren

...there is beauty is the barren
the trees void of leaves,
the quiet, the stillness,
there is no sound except my own breathing in and out,
and the occasional song of a bird
there is beauty in this barren winter hike,
solitude and peace falls on me when i realize i am all alone
a smile, a thought, a prayer, and being alone for this moment in time is captured,
and i love it...

decorating the tree...

..the tree,

the ornaments

the moment of hanging each one

and with each ornament hung there is a pause to remember who gave it,

where and when it was added to our collection of special memories...

memories from over the years that now hang on our tree.

and i pause again and remember and carry a heart wrapped up in love...

good-bye to the boots

... i am retiring this pair of hiking boots... they have walked me safely up (3) 14'ers in colorado, 2 trips to the top of Half Dome in Yosemite, to the top of Yosemite Falls, to the top of Mt Whitney in the Sierra's, assorted other trails in the Sierra Mts., and many training hikes at Paris Mt. thanks for not letting me down Lowa's! most days it's all about the shoes, or the boots!

.. healing of a wound

.... healing of a wound
how does that happen?
for sure God is always in the center of the healing movement,
but He is showing me over and over again that He also uses people.
He uses the people that come along side of you as you walk out life,
and they "get you".
they are not afraid to accept your love and they love you back.
there is a drawing together - and you know it is God's heartbeat behind every movement.
and then there are words - deep deep vulnerable words that are shared from a place in your heart that is still hurting and damaged and desires to be known.
it feels good to release the words - and with the words there is also a release of some of that pain, guilt, regret and the shame you have held onto for a long time,
and you don't feel judged or left alone to "freak out" that you just gave away a secret about yourself,
instead there is a letting go - a deeper release - a deeper healing because someone with a heart of compassion and kindness was willing
to listen and love...

... sunday afternoon
a good morning at church
a good breakfast at Coffee Underground
and i am longing to sit and be and write
random thoughts roll through my head,
and i am a bit restless with where to let my thoughts rest.
i cannot think of anything profound to say,
yet so much is stirring around inside of me.
i cannot formulate clear thoughts long enough to really know what those thoughts are.
sigh....

... seasons
some are full
some are empty
i appear to be in an "empty" one right now,
the last few weeks - um maybe the last month has felt that way.
the fullness of life that was carrying me along life's journey is different;
close friends seem distant
work is very stressful and busy
i am walking with anxiety
there has been a lot of pouring out
there is not a lot of pouring in
i am ready for a change of season...

... so you journey down life's path,
full of meanderings, hills, valleys, mountain top views, forests so thick you cannot see where the clearing is, endless views of a dry desert, and in that journey you also encounter rain, hard rain, drought, hot sun, a breeze, a gentle breeze, fresh air and air that is stagnant. but you do it... you keep walking. there are victories and defeats. battles fought and won. battles fought and lost. you are hurt, you are damaged, bruised, broken, cut, and in much need of a rest and healing.
so you journey down life's path,
and there is also grace, love, the strong grip of a hand that holds you,
and you make it.
you look back and you see victory in the pain.
you look back and you see your capacity to love has grown.
you look back and see you have changed.
you look back and you see that you were not alone after all.
the darkness no longer holds you.
the pain is not so painful, the cut is beginning to heal, and there is hope
that wraps around your heart now.
and should you ever doubt it, you don't, and you know there is a God.
... and so you keep walking...

another birthday and random thoughts...

... i woke up with an expectant heart on my birthday and loved knowing that it was my day to celebrate my life. i love my life. i love where i have walked and the lessons learned. i love the times of plenty and the times when there was not so much plenty. it has all been good, and woven into what makes me- "me".
jerry walked into my office at 6am singing "happy birthday"... where he found me surrounded by books and my laptop and a mired of thoughts and prayers.
it would be a good day.
i have so much to be thankful for.
the love and grace and blessings began to fall in an endless stream of little gifts that i was able to hold close to my heart and ponder all day long - and keep pondering.
i heard from old friends that were in my life "for a season" and they reminded me how much they loved me.
i was able to "touch" a new friend and actually look at her eyes and hear her voice and embrace a few moments of her time.
there were text messages, e-cards, facebook posts and phone calls - each bringing a warm blanket of love that wrapped around my heart.
i chose to celebrate with jerry (of course!) and another couple and girlfriend over dinner. they are my family. so there were pictures and laughter and talking and love.
i am full.
my cup is full.
i have been given so much.
yea me - it was my birthday!

tears...

i was in my chair with coffee and several books-bible-journal and laptop. my thoughts were all all over the place this morning in my God time - but parked for a bit on the idea of "tears". knowing that they have been such a part of my life through the years. and i seem to cry easily. i was telling a friend that when we share our "story" - when we share where we have journeyed through pain - affliction - heart break -shame - all those things that God has allowed in our life - when we share that with others that we can trust and know our hearts will be safe - the grip of that pain is loosened in us and we are able to open our heart up for His healing touch. God has done a lot of healing in me in the past 5 years. and i am thankful for that. and i am thankful for the tears. and i am so okay that i am a "crier". :-)

About Ramona...

I know my heart has been stirred deeply within me.
I don't know why. You do.
I pursue and I love and I desire to be used.
This is spiritual, not from me.
I am not capable of dredging up this much love and care for someone that I really do not know.
Guide me Father in this adventure - this season - this moment in time. I want to embrace it.
Do not let me get out of balance or walk or run before you like you know I can do.
Give me your sensitivity and wisdom and power from your spirit to be who and what You want me to be in this.
In a life that is full and busy and at what appears to be at capacity, you seem to have dropped me down onto the side lines of her life, and I am watching, cheering her on, lifting her up,
waiting to be involved, loving her from a distance, yet feeling so close and seeming to know and understand her very heart beat.
i don't know the whys in all this, but you have made a connection and I rest in your arms, and I trust You.
i praise You and thank you that you continue to pour your love and life into me, so that it can overflow and splash onto others.
It is that splash and overflow onto others that I am blessed beyond words to be part of. Drench us with your love and power.

the beach....

... sweet memories float across my mind and leave me feeling very melancholy as i think about our 2 days getting away from the routine of life.

• running on the beach (and i so needed water well before i got back - thoughts of debra race through my mind and her swamp rabbit run!)
• Life Cookies for that much needed afternoon snack - thank you Ramona!
• the water was not very refreshing - it was so warm, still we frolicked like kids and laughed, letting the water wash over us in waves of warmth
• teaching jerry how to float made us laugh so hard. he is like a lead weight!
• i was able to only read 1 more chapter in my book that i was determined to finish this trip before needing a nap - i am hopeless! :-)
  
• i am not sure exactly why - but lauren doing the side stroke in the ocean just made me laugh
• there was a sweet moment in the ocean for some much needed "girl talk" - oh how i love lauren and the uniqueness of our friendship. God was so good to gift her to me.
  
• dinner downtown was good - getting there was a tadbit stressful without a map.
  
• excellent wine with my steak salad with a lovely "cherry" finish
• and let the record reflect that very fact that kc had a kiddie cup of chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream from ben and jerrys! :-)
  
• bedtime kisses mixed in with some bedtime talk - jer does so well with us girls!
• jer served us coffee this morning and he now knows we prefer caffeine not decaf in the morning!
  

imprint...

... i was reminded yesterday and then again this morning of the value we bring to the lives of those souls we call friends. we do make a difference and most of the time we are not aware of that fact. we touch lives and leave an imprint. and when the imprint fades away, we need to touch them again. and again. God made us for connection and intimacy. and when we pour out, we are filled. that is a truth that can only be explained by God.

random thoughts on a rainy memorial day...

i love just sitting here with my coffee watching the rain come down.
it is that kind of rain that is diving straight down to the ground... with purpose.
it is very quieting - yet it is pouring.

i am thankful for those that serve this country and fight for this country so we can have freedom,
but it is from a distance.
i do not know anyone personally that is or has been at war.
so it all seems less "personal" to me.
strange.

i find i am very much looking forward to seeing an old high school friend that i have been able to get in touch with via facebook. we have not seen each other since we graduated in 1976. our lives have taken us to different places and experiences, yet as we reconnected there is a "kindred spirit" between us. i am so excited to see her face and talk.

God is not so much concerned about how we "feel" about love or whether we are loved or not loved by others... but i think He is most aware and looks at how we love others. He tells us often about loving others. i want to have that focus. less about me - more about loving all the people He puts in my life.

i want to be productive today around my house, yet i am so content to sit and write and "be". this WILL be the challenge for me today...