..tears and thankful

... i walked into work on friday with tears that had come up from the depths of my heart and were settled at my throat... i needed to keep moving and get busy with my work at hand...
i had an early morning appointment for a diagnostic mammogram. sigh. a "lump" was found earlier in the week and my Dr. wanted to "make sure" it was okay.
i worked hard for 3 days to have "faith" in the very fact that God holds my life... this is nothing. it will be fine. i have no cancer in my family. you know the self talk we do when we need to do it.
i went to the gym for a morning workout - and well - that did not go well. i had cramps and felt awful. i was up-tight. i was fearful. i was closed off. i was in my own little world. i realized how off i was when i tried to interact with my friend and my walls were up in a self protecting mode. i declared i was going home. i got in my car... put on my ipod music and let the tears flow. tears filled with fear and the uncertainty of what the morning results would be. it was a very good emotional release for me and as i cried - i also prayed - and there was peace.
Next... the mammogram. done. waiting. alone in a little room. more waiting. the knock on the door to tell me that "they" wanted to do a sonogram as well. this cannot be good. in 30 seconds or less, i think through my life - my people - my husband - my job and co-workers - how would i handle this if i need to walk through a journey of cancer? i remember that i have a friend waiting for me in the waiting room. she is a new friend - but we seem to connect at a deep level and she knows me pretty well. knowing she is there gives me strength. i remember another friend that sent a text early in the morning telling me she was praying. and 3 other friends that were praying as well. and my husband that wrapped me in his arms that morning and prayed. even if the news was bad - i would be okay. i would tackle that like i do with everything else in my life - with determination to win! the sonogram proves to be the test that would make my fear go away. i could see the lump up on the screen. the technician said it was a lymph node and looked normal. blood was flowing through it. all good... but she would take those pictures off to the dr. i get dressed feeling a bit better. 10 minutes later the good news arrives through this sweet technician that is probably all of 28 - "everything is normal - you can leave."

i leave with my friend and say good-bye, i love you, and hug her in the parking lot. tears are rising up as i walk to my car. i call another friend to give her the good news... and as i am saying good bye to her, my husband calls to see how everything went. i am thankful. full. wanting to grab my days and LIVE hard... make a difference... love extravagantly ... spill joy into others lives... be me....