nails...

so.. there are 2 "situations" that lead me to pick at my nails...

1 would be our last trip to visit my family in Rochester, NY:

• driving in the rain on I-85 south - with big trucks crowding us
• being a passenger in the car on the rainy road to the airport
• crowded airports with all kinds of people in my way who don't speak english
• going through security and having to remove my bracelets and necklace
• waiting with 563 other people to load the plane
• being called to load the plane and then waiting in the tunnel walkway
• being on the plane and watching an endless stream of people that keep coming on board
• sitting on the plane as it gets very crowded - noisy and hot and stuffy
• feeling like i cannot breath on the plane as we wait to move away from the gate
• wanting to feel more air through that little tiny blower above my head and no matter how i turn it, nothing changes.
• feeling like i am about to have a panic attack as i sit in my seat on the plane
• and finally... turbulence on the plane in the air at 30,000 feet

2 would be walking my mother through www.expedia.com website to purchase tickets to come down and visit us for Thanksgiving:

• we are on skype and she is yelling
• she doesn't understand that it is okay to open another browser "window" while talking to me
• she wants to see me but the new window covers me up
• we proceed not seeing each other and it works
• she needs to know how much long term parking is Albany NY airport
• she needs to know how to get to long term parking at Albany NY airport
• we decide spending the night at a hotel is best and let the hotel shuttle mom and dad to their gate and not worry about long term parking
• 53 minutes later we have an itinerary

i consider it a major miracle ever time i fly and i arrive back home in one piece, still breathing with all good attitude and my luggage.

the tickets are purchased and mom and dad will arrive for Thanksgiving and we will not have to take a plane ride...

chat moment...

last night i got to chat with a re-acquainted friend who was hurting
there was depression
there was anger
there was grieving that had left her with a void,
a hole,
she was in the pit
i understood where she was
i have stood in a pit before
you feel alone, and emotionally there is no light
you want to move past what you are feeling,
but you can't move, you can't even get your foot off the ground
you are stuck
so you hurt
so you ache
so you cry
i hated where she was in those moments we exchanged words,
but i loved being there with her
i know she will eventually move from this place
i know she will hurt
i know the moving will take time
i know she will wonder if God really cares,
and does He know any of her pain?
i know she will feel like she cannot move because she is stuck in the muck
i know she will feel the weight of the pain in her heart,
and she will be convinced it is breaking
but i know she will make it and she will move from this pit
she will grow and become even more "real" than she was before
she will eventually leave the pit and when she recognizes that exit,
she will be a different person.
there will be a freshness in the air
there will be a sense of renewal
there will be joy
and eventually joy that overflows,
spilling and splashing on all those that walk with her.

new...

.... so jerry told me i was "keyed" (to bring to a particular degree of intensity of feeling, excitement, energy), up today!
ha ha
i am!
i am being so very spoiled by god right now.
there is joy
there is a freshness in the air
there are new friends, new lives touching me,
and jerry,
there is laughter and the pure joy in getting to know another human being.
learning about where they have "walked" and experiences they have lived.
and we laugh ...
we laugh a lot... and we laugh deeply... and it feels good to feel joy.

No one loves you like i do...

... you pursued me, and i let you find me
i fell in love with your tender heart,
your kindness, your gentle spirit,
your integrity and character.
you sang to me at a roof top restaurant outside of DC
and made "the proposal" an event that rings with romance
and love... so that i always have that special memory.
our wedding day was a "finally"! moment for everyone that attended.
there are no words to describe my heart that day.
joy to the 100th degree comes close.
we were joined together as husband and wife,
before God and witnesses committing to the sacred journey of marriage.
and it is a journey.
we've laughed, cried, celebrated and prayed along the way.
we've welcomed new friends and said good-bye to others.
we embraced births and mourned losses.
we are better together than we are apart,
and i want to stay the course with you for as long as God gives us breath.
i don't know what i would do without you.
i love you, and
i celebrate "us" today.

there is a god....

god moved me
from feeling an empty hole in my heart,
to filling that hole so that it overflows.
that is just like him to do that.
i really stand in awe at how he works
he really does know my heart,
and he really does know what i desire,
he really does out give me
he pours into me more than my heart can hold
when i give him all that i do hold.
i barely can find words to say how my heart feels
but it is all good,
and tears that run down my face are happy tears.
there is a god...this is the proof...
thank you libby, chrystie, debra and dee for being willing to let god drop
you down into my life.
for such a time as this i needed you to be dropped into my life.
he continues the work he has started in me,
and he will keep digging, purging and working.
and at the same time he has poured out his love in me
for these new beautiful souls i can call friends.
i look forward to the journey together, knowing
he always uses all things and all people in my life.
he has given me encouragement to keep running the race.
he has enabled me to let go and look back and know,
it is good.
there is a god... this is the proof!

my dad...

my dad...
he is the strong silent type
quiet yet when he says something,
it is generally worth hearing so you listen.
he was a farmer and worked the land.
dad always worked hard and never complained.
i remember trying my best to stay up with him
as we would walk up into the field in the summer time
to bale hay...for being a small man he sure did have fast legs!
dad taught me how to drive a tractor... and i am
confident that is why i am such a good driver now in a car. :-)
his memory is sharp... i wish i was like him in that way!
he has life documented in his mind and can quickly give
us all those all important dates, like when it snowed in may one year,
and when tom ran tracey over with his bicycle... and all the
other tramas in our life. :-)
dad has beautiful blue eyes...
and those i got from him!
i love my eyes...
i love my dad, and remember him this father's day.

out of sorts and such...

... daily life as you have known it changes
people go and grow in different directions
hearts tear and hurt
emotions surge and fall
tears spill
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you don't know how you fit or if you fit anymore
you don't know what to say or if you should say anything
you wonder why you cannot control your feelings
you want to run and hide
you wonder if you are acting your age
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you beg for grace and you're pretty sure you've not seen it
you ask for an easy load to carry
and you still feel heavy in your heart
you want to keep loving
you want to embrace the new
but the old is embedded deep within your heart,
and it is not prying loose very easily
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days

so you try to rest and trust
you take a lot of deep breaths
you sigh
you pray
you dig deep and believe you are moving from this spot
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days,
and you hold onto hope
and you dry your tears
and keep walking....

good-bye...

... all my people have left
and i am riding on the wave of grace.
he bent low to meet me where i was
he gently lifted my head
he gently kissed my brow
and whispered it's alright.
there is joy in the journey even when it is hard,
and even when there are good-byes.
please don't leave me
i embrace your touch today,
and the way you move my heart
it is alright
it is good
there is love
there is joy
there is peace

3 years

3 years ago yesterday i met lauren
she came into my office as a temp to help cover while an employee was out on vacation.
she wore a long skirt to the floor
she was kind, appropriate in her actions
professional, pretty smile
yet, there was something i saw deeper in heart that drew me to her.
i wanted to know her.
i wanted to get past the "wall" and really see her heart.
i was drawn to her.
i wanted to ask a lot of questions.
i can only say now that God was in our midst.
He knew her.
He knew me.
He connected us.
and so our journey would begin.

lunch outing..

so i shopped a very little at TJmax just a bit ago.

all i want are some cute little T-shirts to wear with my

jeans or shorts with flip-flops.

how hard can this be?

can a 50 year old woman wear a T-shirt that has peace and love on it?

i feel like i am back in the 70's!

and then there are other "words" that are on some cute shirts,

but i so don't know what they mean that i am afraid to buy them.

afraid that the "word" i would be wearing on my body may mean something that

is not who i am.

i am not up on the latest words...

so i was safe and got a T-shirt with Florida on it.

that was safe... i know where it is... i have been there...

and as far as i know "florida" is not a dirty word.

Happy Mother's Day

My Mom...
She is full of energy and acts much younger than she is.
She is witty and has a great sense of humor.
She likes to have control... but that enables her to get lots of things done!
She is a good friend to many people.
She is the BEST pie baker I know! (i did not get inherit this gift from her!)
She gives freely of her time and energy to many.
She likes to be busy.
She loves flowers in her garden! (I DID get this gift from her.)
She is on the cutting edge of technology.... she has a computer and is savy on it... she knows how to skype... she actually uses her cell phone... she now has a digital camera... and she misses her email when she is away from home. Yes she is addicted.
She loves me well.I honor her this weekend and am thankful for her being my Mom.

some days are just harder
nothing i feel makes any sense to where i am walking
everything is hard
i want to sleep
i want to sit in my chair and just be alone
everyone just leave me alone!
don't ask anything of me... please
there is irritability,
and always with those i love the most
when i can connect with someone that is or has been here,
wow... it is encouraging
reality
hormones
God is bigger
He has to be!

empty spaces.. empty places...

what becomes of the empty spaces...
the empty places...
when something is gone and is no more,
what do i do with the hole that is left.
i have to trust that God will shovel some fertile
soil in that hole and mix it up with His love,
and grace,
and breathe His life into that place.
i hate the empty places and spaces.
the void,
the tears that rise up from that hole in unexpected ways,
and times.
growing, learning, trusting and loving deeply...

losing... gaining...

so much right now feels like it is changing and has been for awhile.
i cannot seem to find my rhythm.
things that used to fit, don't fit anymore.
my heart is not satisfied,
and seems to hurt more than it feels joy.
it was such a rough week with lauren.
i hurt her.
then in response to her hurt,
she hurt me.
it was messy, but we walked through it.
we are moving.
and in the moving it "feels" like i am losing,
i keep losing.
i don't know where i fit anymore.
i want to add and gain something...

familiarity...

i visited
history is shared
i love the familiarity of being known.
i was filled to overflowing in just seeing their faces,
and embracing them.
can you save the love that overflows;
the love that you cannot contain because you are full,
and have it wrap it's arms around you when the emptiness shows up again.
or can it be bottled, put on a shelf and opened up on a "down" day.
maybe the "extra" love settles down in the deep crevasses of my heart
and is remembered and pull out as a memory and held closely.
i am pulling it out today.

a gift...

vulnerability...

wear it

embrace it

fear not of it

but guard who you wear it with

and consider those that safely accept that outfit

to be treasured

they are rare

they will enable growth

they accept your dirt and grim and brokenness

and love you irregardless...

undressing
i do it everyday... in the physical sense.
i take off clothes and put them in the hamper for laundering,
and proceed to put on fresh, clean clothes, or at the very least some kind of clothes that match my next activity.
undressing
what about my heart, and the very center of who i am.
does that get undressed? do i take off all the selfishness, envy, jealously, anger, lust, pride and well all the other "sin" that clings to me like my very own skin?
i know it is there. it does a great job at reminding me from time to time that "it" is all there and very much alive.
i am convinced that there is nothing i can do to rid it. i have tried. when i try to shed it, there is very little difference in how i feel or how i respond. i cannot shake it.
i have to let God undress me.
i have to ask God to undress me.
i have to be willing to stand still and let him remove "my" clothes.
when he does the undressing, there is a pulling away, there is a deep tearing... and it is painful. i hurt on the inside..deep inside i bleed. and the sight of what he pulls off of me is gross. it is not pleasant to look at, for me or anyone around me. yet, i am not ashamed. i know that once it is gone, i will be more pleasing to God and to those around me who love me with or without that skin.
so the undressing has begun... layer by layer... and it will continue my entire life. but each time a layer comes off, i feel set free. i feel more alive and full.
God is transforming me ...
again...
until the next time...

celebrating...

last week i felt like i had been given a victory in my heart.

i knew that i was not responsible for this "win", because i had tried before to change on my own.

it was only when i begged god and cried out to him through my own frustration that the victory came.

i knew and know today that it was and is him. i could not whomp it up to get through the muck i was trudging through. it was too deep and too thick.

so the victory came.

and in my own celebration i was encouraged to applaud god. clap. clap out loud.

i suddenly felt like i was very gun shy.

what if this victory does not "stick".

what if i go back to standing knee deep in the muck and feel helpless again.

what if this so called victory is just my own feelings having a good day.

so i sit back and wait and watch and wonder,

and celebrate in the quietness of my heart,

knowing he is working and reshaping me and growing me,

and it is good.

music... play on...

there is new music playing in my heart today;
it is quiet and peaceful,
bursts of happy melodies mixed with a sadness the follows me unnoticed, yet very real and close. sadness over the realization that time just keeps passing away,
and change is a very stark reality of life.
i can lose myself in the rhythm and feel my spirit being soothed as the notes play and i turn inward. just me. music. god. alone. and i am content.
i am different.
i am changed.
comfortable with who i am again,
and trusting that the one who made me will keep doing his work on me.
he is the only one that can take darkness and evil and selfishness and control and cause one to let go of them. he loosened my grip. it was not easy. i had to give him permission. i had to yield. i had to bend my knee to him. i had to want to change. yet, he did it. not me. i am still amazed.
and i want the music to play.

loving people.....friendships....girlfriends
there are levels of needs, levels of intimacy,
they are all different, depending on the person,
some need me more than i need them, but that is okay.
there are seasons in friendship and love,
sadness can fill my heart when i think of some.
seasons change
death, new chapters, new birth, growth, deepening.
love with no boundaries,
give your heart,
be available, be close, be open.
sometimes asking more questions,
sometimes less,
waiting and wondering,
celebrate!
embrace the moments together,
hold each other closely,
kiss a cheek, say i love you, share tears,
say those words you have not said before,
live hard and love deeply today
like you may never see tomorrow.