reflections...

reflections of my week...
the settling in of a new friendship
over loaded at work with the grip of anxiety coming and going
saying no to something i started, it just does not work for me
again, coming to the conclusion that i do not fit a "mold",
and i like that. i want to just be me.
being physically pushed in hard bodiez with 2 really good hard workouts.
who knew pushing a wooden box could stir up so much emotion! :-)
love it! hate it! loved seeing ramona at the end of the "push" smiling.
a commitment to a beth moore event with a new friend,
i know that will be a sweet time with spiritual pouring in from beth,
and time for us to grow deeper in a friendship that has been birthed so quickly.
being blessed with so many faces in my work place that i have grown to love.
please, let me be a source of jesus love there... with his love overflowing from me
so that is splashes on those all around me.
some heaviness in "wishing" life was different for a dear one that lays on my heart most days.
i cannot "fix" it.
i know the pain - she presses on - she endures for the sake of others that she loves and puts first.
god showed up at small group. a great night. i loved being there. sweet community.
i love being surprised.
i feel very loved and held by the one who made me.

finger prints of god...

today was one of those days when i felt like i saw you all over the place;
i saw you in the beauty of an early morning drive to work out;
i saw you in the sweet conversation of a dear friend i had felt was distant;
i saw you in my office where you have given me the most amazing people to work with;
i saw you in my small group and the growing connection with those dear people;
i saw you in the late night email with a sweet friend who had been praying for me;

it was a day covered in finger prints of god...

..overloaded

.. i had an overloaded moment today
too much running in my head
feeling stress/anxiety in my heart
i sought to try to figure it all out,
writing always helps and i think it did this time with a major heart dump.
i want to be involved with events/activities that bring value to my life,
and value, encouragement, joy, love and life to the lives of people that i walk with,
everything else feels like "noise"...

...beauty in the barren

...there is beauty is the barren
the trees void of leaves,
the quiet, the stillness,
there is no sound except my own breathing in and out,
and the occasional song of a bird
there is beauty in this barren winter hike,
solitude and peace falls on me when i realize i am all alone
a smile, a thought, a prayer, and being alone for this moment in time is captured,
and i love it...

decorating the tree...

..the tree,

the ornaments

the moment of hanging each one

and with each ornament hung there is a pause to remember who gave it,

where and when it was added to our collection of special memories...

memories from over the years that now hang on our tree.

and i pause again and remember and carry a heart wrapped up in love...

good-bye to the boots

... i am retiring this pair of hiking boots... they have walked me safely up (3) 14'ers in colorado, 2 trips to the top of Half Dome in Yosemite, to the top of Yosemite Falls, to the top of Mt Whitney in the Sierra's, assorted other trails in the Sierra Mts., and many training hikes at Paris Mt. thanks for not letting me down Lowa's! most days it's all about the shoes, or the boots!

.. healing of a wound

.... healing of a wound
how does that happen?
for sure God is always in the center of the healing movement,
but He is showing me over and over again that He also uses people.
He uses the people that come along side of you as you walk out life,
and they "get you".
they are not afraid to accept your love and they love you back.
there is a drawing together - and you know it is God's heartbeat behind every movement.
and then there are words - deep deep vulnerable words that are shared from a place in your heart that is still hurting and damaged and desires to be known.
it feels good to release the words - and with the words there is also a release of some of that pain, guilt, regret and the shame you have held onto for a long time,
and you don't feel judged or left alone to "freak out" that you just gave away a secret about yourself,
instead there is a letting go - a deeper release - a deeper healing because someone with a heart of compassion and kindness was willing
to listen and love...

... sunday afternoon
a good morning at church
a good breakfast at Coffee Underground
and i am longing to sit and be and write
random thoughts roll through my head,
and i am a bit restless with where to let my thoughts rest.
i cannot think of anything profound to say,
yet so much is stirring around inside of me.
i cannot formulate clear thoughts long enough to really know what those thoughts are.
sigh....

... seasons
some are full
some are empty
i appear to be in an "empty" one right now,
the last few weeks - um maybe the last month has felt that way.
the fullness of life that was carrying me along life's journey is different;
close friends seem distant
work is very stressful and busy
i am walking with anxiety
there has been a lot of pouring out
there is not a lot of pouring in
i am ready for a change of season...

... so you journey down life's path,
full of meanderings, hills, valleys, mountain top views, forests so thick you cannot see where the clearing is, endless views of a dry desert, and in that journey you also encounter rain, hard rain, drought, hot sun, a breeze, a gentle breeze, fresh air and air that is stagnant. but you do it... you keep walking. there are victories and defeats. battles fought and won. battles fought and lost. you are hurt, you are damaged, bruised, broken, cut, and in much need of a rest and healing.
so you journey down life's path,
and there is also grace, love, the strong grip of a hand that holds you,
and you make it.
you look back and you see victory in the pain.
you look back and you see your capacity to love has grown.
you look back and see you have changed.
you look back and you see that you were not alone after all.
the darkness no longer holds you.
the pain is not so painful, the cut is beginning to heal, and there is hope
that wraps around your heart now.
and should you ever doubt it, you don't, and you know there is a God.
... and so you keep walking...

another birthday and random thoughts...

... i woke up with an expectant heart on my birthday and loved knowing that it was my day to celebrate my life. i love my life. i love where i have walked and the lessons learned. i love the times of plenty and the times when there was not so much plenty. it has all been good, and woven into what makes me- "me".
jerry walked into my office at 6am singing "happy birthday"... where he found me surrounded by books and my laptop and a mired of thoughts and prayers.
it would be a good day.
i have so much to be thankful for.
the love and grace and blessings began to fall in an endless stream of little gifts that i was able to hold close to my heart and ponder all day long - and keep pondering.
i heard from old friends that were in my life "for a season" and they reminded me how much they loved me.
i was able to "touch" a new friend and actually look at her eyes and hear her voice and embrace a few moments of her time.
there were text messages, e-cards, facebook posts and phone calls - each bringing a warm blanket of love that wrapped around my heart.
i chose to celebrate with jerry (of course!) and another couple and girlfriend over dinner. they are my family. so there were pictures and laughter and talking and love.
i am full.
my cup is full.
i have been given so much.
yea me - it was my birthday!

tears...

i was in my chair with coffee and several books-bible-journal and laptop. my thoughts were all all over the place this morning in my God time - but parked for a bit on the idea of "tears". knowing that they have been such a part of my life through the years. and i seem to cry easily. i was telling a friend that when we share our "story" - when we share where we have journeyed through pain - affliction - heart break -shame - all those things that God has allowed in our life - when we share that with others that we can trust and know our hearts will be safe - the grip of that pain is loosened in us and we are able to open our heart up for His healing touch. God has done a lot of healing in me in the past 5 years. and i am thankful for that. and i am thankful for the tears. and i am so okay that i am a "crier". :-)

About Ramona...

I know my heart has been stirred deeply within me.
I don't know why. You do.
I pursue and I love and I desire to be used.
This is spiritual, not from me.
I am not capable of dredging up this much love and care for someone that I really do not know.
Guide me Father in this adventure - this season - this moment in time. I want to embrace it.
Do not let me get out of balance or walk or run before you like you know I can do.
Give me your sensitivity and wisdom and power from your spirit to be who and what You want me to be in this.
In a life that is full and busy and at what appears to be at capacity, you seem to have dropped me down onto the side lines of her life, and I am watching, cheering her on, lifting her up,
waiting to be involved, loving her from a distance, yet feeling so close and seeming to know and understand her very heart beat.
i don't know the whys in all this, but you have made a connection and I rest in your arms, and I trust You.
i praise You and thank you that you continue to pour your love and life into me, so that it can overflow and splash onto others.
It is that splash and overflow onto others that I am blessed beyond words to be part of. Drench us with your love and power.

the beach....

... sweet memories float across my mind and leave me feeling very melancholy as i think about our 2 days getting away from the routine of life.

• running on the beach (and i so needed water well before i got back - thoughts of debra race through my mind and her swamp rabbit run!)
• Life Cookies for that much needed afternoon snack - thank you Ramona!
• the water was not very refreshing - it was so warm, still we frolicked like kids and laughed, letting the water wash over us in waves of warmth
• teaching jerry how to float made us laugh so hard. he is like a lead weight!
• i was able to only read 1 more chapter in my book that i was determined to finish this trip before needing a nap - i am hopeless! :-)
  
• i am not sure exactly why - but lauren doing the side stroke in the ocean just made me laugh
• there was a sweet moment in the ocean for some much needed "girl talk" - oh how i love lauren and the uniqueness of our friendship. God was so good to gift her to me.
  
• dinner downtown was good - getting there was a tadbit stressful without a map.
  
• excellent wine with my steak salad with a lovely "cherry" finish
• and let the record reflect that very fact that kc had a kiddie cup of chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream from ben and jerrys! :-)
  
• bedtime kisses mixed in with some bedtime talk - jer does so well with us girls!
• jer served us coffee this morning and he now knows we prefer caffeine not decaf in the morning!
  

imprint...

... i was reminded yesterday and then again this morning of the value we bring to the lives of those souls we call friends. we do make a difference and most of the time we are not aware of that fact. we touch lives and leave an imprint. and when the imprint fades away, we need to touch them again. and again. God made us for connection and intimacy. and when we pour out, we are filled. that is a truth that can only be explained by God.

random thoughts on a rainy memorial day...

i love just sitting here with my coffee watching the rain come down.
it is that kind of rain that is diving straight down to the ground... with purpose.
it is very quieting - yet it is pouring.

i am thankful for those that serve this country and fight for this country so we can have freedom,
but it is from a distance.
i do not know anyone personally that is or has been at war.
so it all seems less "personal" to me.
strange.

i find i am very much looking forward to seeing an old high school friend that i have been able to get in touch with via facebook. we have not seen each other since we graduated in 1976. our lives have taken us to different places and experiences, yet as we reconnected there is a "kindred spirit" between us. i am so excited to see her face and talk.

God is not so much concerned about how we "feel" about love or whether we are loved or not loved by others... but i think He is most aware and looks at how we love others. He tells us often about loving others. i want to have that focus. less about me - more about loving all the people He puts in my life.

i want to be productive today around my house, yet i am so content to sit and write and "be". this WILL be the challenge for me today...

..just me

many people label me as an extrovert
umm... not so much. i think i land in the middle of the road between extrovert and introvert.
maybe over the years i have settled more into who i really am. who God really made me to be. maybe.
i am content in knowing that i am energized by being with people. but not a party kind of atmosphere. i am energized with one on one conversations where we are talking/sharing at a deep level of where we live life. that energizes me. not the chit chat of everyday life.
i am also energized by being alone - with my thoughts and emotions and being able to sift through them and come to some solid conclusions about life, my life and those around me.
i am also energized by hiking (long hikes) and working out - and being in my yard creating beautiful spaces.
so.. i am just me.

..hit and run interaction

..."God created us for abiding companionship, not just hit and run interaction."

ouch! i just read that from an article about friendships. i agree with that statement with all my heart and i long for those friendships that are "abiding". i have had a busy week... well, actually a busy month, okay well, a busy year if i am to be honest. i could not wait to sit down this morning and read and think and write and pray. i generally can park my thoughts on "friends" in my life. my hearts desire is to be an influencer - an encourager of those souls that God places in my path. and i am always amazed at the most beautiful people He allows me to gently love. i know when "one" has arrived because they lay on my heart and i love them without all the formality of actually getting to know who they are as a person. i just love them.
i am not a lover of hit and run interaction. i am not wired that way and don't want my friendships to be labeled in that way. but, in the busyness of the times, in reality that does happen.
so i work at cultivating the soil of my friendships.
it is in my heart to love them and abide with them.

... a longing

... it has been a good week. full. fast. i can tell it's friday.
i am longing for quiet - my chair at home - my journal - my favorite pen
and enough time and quiet to spill out some thoughts that wrap around my heart.
tomorrow...

driving home...

... a canvas full of a 100 different greens,
sprinkled throughout with white dogwood leaves,
while lavender wisteria hangs and blankets the rock wall
gently softening the view
dark clouds are on the horizon
rain is falling, then stopping
it is a moment captured in my mind,
coming home