tears...

i was in my chair with coffee and several books-bible-journal and laptop. my thoughts were all all over the place this morning in my God time - but parked for a bit on the idea of "tears". knowing that they have been such a part of my life through the years. and i seem to cry easily. i was telling a friend that when we share our "story" - when we share where we have journeyed through pain - affliction - heart break -shame - all those things that God has allowed in our life - when we share that with others that we can trust and know our hearts will be safe - the grip of that pain is loosened in us and we are able to open our heart up for His healing touch. God has done a lot of healing in me in the past 5 years. and i am thankful for that. and i am thankful for the tears. and i am so okay that i am a "crier". :-)

About Ramona...

I know my heart has been stirred deeply within me.
I don't know why. You do.
I pursue and I love and I desire to be used.
This is spiritual, not from me.
I am not capable of dredging up this much love and care for someone that I really do not know.
Guide me Father in this adventure - this season - this moment in time. I want to embrace it.
Do not let me get out of balance or walk or run before you like you know I can do.
Give me your sensitivity and wisdom and power from your spirit to be who and what You want me to be in this.
In a life that is full and busy and at what appears to be at capacity, you seem to have dropped me down onto the side lines of her life, and I am watching, cheering her on, lifting her up,
waiting to be involved, loving her from a distance, yet feeling so close and seeming to know and understand her very heart beat.
i don't know the whys in all this, but you have made a connection and I rest in your arms, and I trust You.
i praise You and thank you that you continue to pour your love and life into me, so that it can overflow and splash onto others.
It is that splash and overflow onto others that I am blessed beyond words to be part of. Drench us with your love and power.

the beach....

... sweet memories float across my mind and leave me feeling very melancholy as i think about our 2 days getting away from the routine of life.

• running on the beach (and i so needed water well before i got back - thoughts of debra race through my mind and her swamp rabbit run!)
• Life Cookies for that much needed afternoon snack - thank you Ramona!
• the water was not very refreshing - it was so warm, still we frolicked like kids and laughed, letting the water wash over us in waves of warmth
• teaching jerry how to float made us laugh so hard. he is like a lead weight!
• i was able to only read 1 more chapter in my book that i was determined to finish this trip before needing a nap - i am hopeless! :-)
  
• i am not sure exactly why - but lauren doing the side stroke in the ocean just made me laugh
• there was a sweet moment in the ocean for some much needed "girl talk" - oh how i love lauren and the uniqueness of our friendship. God was so good to gift her to me.
  
• dinner downtown was good - getting there was a tadbit stressful without a map.
  
• excellent wine with my steak salad with a lovely "cherry" finish
• and let the record reflect that very fact that kc had a kiddie cup of chocolate peanut butter swirl ice cream from ben and jerrys! :-)
  
• bedtime kisses mixed in with some bedtime talk - jer does so well with us girls!
• jer served us coffee this morning and he now knows we prefer caffeine not decaf in the morning!
  

imprint...

... i was reminded yesterday and then again this morning of the value we bring to the lives of those souls we call friends. we do make a difference and most of the time we are not aware of that fact. we touch lives and leave an imprint. and when the imprint fades away, we need to touch them again. and again. God made us for connection and intimacy. and when we pour out, we are filled. that is a truth that can only be explained by God.

random thoughts on a rainy memorial day...

i love just sitting here with my coffee watching the rain come down.
it is that kind of rain that is diving straight down to the ground... with purpose.
it is very quieting - yet it is pouring.

i am thankful for those that serve this country and fight for this country so we can have freedom,
but it is from a distance.
i do not know anyone personally that is or has been at war.
so it all seems less "personal" to me.
strange.

i find i am very much looking forward to seeing an old high school friend that i have been able to get in touch with via facebook. we have not seen each other since we graduated in 1976. our lives have taken us to different places and experiences, yet as we reconnected there is a "kindred spirit" between us. i am so excited to see her face and talk.

God is not so much concerned about how we "feel" about love or whether we are loved or not loved by others... but i think He is most aware and looks at how we love others. He tells us often about loving others. i want to have that focus. less about me - more about loving all the people He puts in my life.

i want to be productive today around my house, yet i am so content to sit and write and "be". this WILL be the challenge for me today...

..just me

many people label me as an extrovert
umm... not so much. i think i land in the middle of the road between extrovert and introvert.
maybe over the years i have settled more into who i really am. who God really made me to be. maybe.
i am content in knowing that i am energized by being with people. but not a party kind of atmosphere. i am energized with one on one conversations where we are talking/sharing at a deep level of where we live life. that energizes me. not the chit chat of everyday life.
i am also energized by being alone - with my thoughts and emotions and being able to sift through them and come to some solid conclusions about life, my life and those around me.
i am also energized by hiking (long hikes) and working out - and being in my yard creating beautiful spaces.
so.. i am just me.

..hit and run interaction

..."God created us for abiding companionship, not just hit and run interaction."

ouch! i just read that from an article about friendships. i agree with that statement with all my heart and i long for those friendships that are "abiding". i have had a busy week... well, actually a busy month, okay well, a busy year if i am to be honest. i could not wait to sit down this morning and read and think and write and pray. i generally can park my thoughts on "friends" in my life. my hearts desire is to be an influencer - an encourager of those souls that God places in my path. and i am always amazed at the most beautiful people He allows me to gently love. i know when "one" has arrived because they lay on my heart and i love them without all the formality of actually getting to know who they are as a person. i just love them.
i am not a lover of hit and run interaction. i am not wired that way and don't want my friendships to be labeled in that way. but, in the busyness of the times, in reality that does happen.
so i work at cultivating the soil of my friendships.
it is in my heart to love them and abide with them.

... a longing

... it has been a good week. full. fast. i can tell it's friday.
i am longing for quiet - my chair at home - my journal - my favorite pen
and enough time and quiet to spill out some thoughts that wrap around my heart.
tomorrow...

driving home...

... a canvas full of a 100 different greens,
sprinkled throughout with white dogwood leaves,
while lavender wisteria hangs and blankets the rock wall
gently softening the view
dark clouds are on the horizon
rain is falling, then stopping
it is a moment captured in my mind,
coming home

on being sick...

ugh
i hate being sick
i feel like i miss out on life and all my people, and activities.
then there is work.
even when i am sick - at home, i am addicted to my laptop and work emails.
this is a "sickness". ha
i need to stop and rest and get well.
the world will continue to turn and life at work will continue to move forward.
maybe there is a lesson here.

looking at my afternoon through a 1 inch square frame...

i was challenged to do this after reading an article by my friend lauren. she encouraged her readers to do just that... look at life through a 1 inch square. yes the picture that leaves you with is small... intense... tight even...but also very focused.

i left work early one day this week and if i took that 1 inch frame and slid it over the events of my afternoon this is what i saw:

• burgundy colored tiny new leaves coming out on our redbud tree
• beautiful little intense blue flowers brightly smiling amongst the green
• amazing elegant fabric with texture in it that would become my window treatment
• my friend dee, being precise, perfect and gentle hanging material and tying knots around the decorative rod in our dining room
• a beautiful smile, red hair, green eyes, and a giving spirit
• a new rock proudly sitting in its new home... our yard
  

thanks lauren for the assignment...

random thoughts...

...life is not about me,
but some days i act as if it is.

i have been in touch in the last 2 days with 2 dear friends
they live 500 miles + away from me
they are struggling, hurting, lonely
i want to help

jerry and i spread a truck full of mulch today
that is so filling for me
i am convinced you can take the girl away from the farm,
but you cannot take the farm out of the girl

lauren and riley
a cute pair

why do i want - umm... the need to have everything perfect?
my hair, my clothes, my house, my yard

i loved the movie "the blindside"
yep - lots of tears

i love that God gave me the chance to love lauren and be there for her as she walked away from bob jones - and fundamentalism. where would she be today if jerry and i had not been in her life? i wonder if she would still be teaching there.. still wearing long skirts and hiding..

ice cream was awesome tonight... just sayn'

over load....

i seem to be in a season at work where i am constantly over loaded.
my brain feels "full" all the time and i just cannot absorb one more piece of information into it.
but more "stuff" keeps coming at me and then i have that feeling like i am drowning,
trying to stay afloat but pieces of papers, people asking me questions, meetings, phone calls, constant emails, tasks that need to be done now keep bogging me down from that "staying afloat" place.
my brain cannot hold onto all the information.
i have impatience in listening to "needs".
i want to close myself off from everyone and just try my hardest to get to a place where there is peace.
i feel like all day long i am in a world of constant motion and of people needing me.
i want to drown.
i know i need to "step up", get it together, be more organized, draw some boundaries, be more attentive to the details, don't drop any balls.
i hate being stretched.
i question my skills and abilities and if this is what i want to do.
but for today it is where i am,
so it is what i will do.

today and yesterday...

my cell phone alarm went off at 4:40
the coffee was dripping
my clothes were laid out
and i was off to the gym.
there is a peace and quiet in the routine of the morning now,
i actually love getting up early and knowing a work out is waiting for me.
i love knowing that i meet up with lauren there,
and both of us with our ipods attached to our ears just do it!
we work out
we are there for each other,
and it is safe and good.
my mind drifts through the pages of my yesterday,
thankful for breath and life and my God that holds onto me.
i reflect on the sweet time with dee at lunch,
and our conversation ranging from hormones to husbands to feeding each other with words for encouragement. i am so blessed by her friendship and love. she is a gift to hold on to.
and i remember the work load that is before me right now and the sweet interruptions of emailing debra - ha - we multi-task well!
amazing that 2-3 sentences in an email can reach out and hug me.
we connect and quickly are caught up with each others lives.
my day ended at home with Jer
my husband, my friend, my protector.
we worked on our budget for our Financial Peace class.
we did well, and i got impatient once and he got angry once.
but we cleared the air and forgive each other and moved on.
and we have a budget.
i love the gal on idol (crystal) with dreads and know lauren will want to see her.
she is raw, natural talent.
so the day was good yesterday
and today has the potential to be the same.
resting in grace and seeking to be filled with love,
so love flows from me and spills onto those i touch.

a void...

... to live and breath and know that you are living with purpose,
you make a difference,
every day.
your passion is being lived out because you are following your heart,
and you know who you are and what you are suppose to do... and you do it.
if you were gone, you would be missed... there would be a void...

everyday celebrations...

• breath of life
• a body that works well and works out well
• friends that walk out this journey called life
• a husband who loves me so well
• my God who guides me through the maze in my head
• a house that is warm
• trees in my yard
• a heart that loves, laughs, cries and feels deeply
  

working out in the new year...

so the new routine for working out - staying fit - has changed
started monday
up at 5am
quietly kiss jerry on the forehead,
turn off my noise machine,
tip top into my office where my clothes are laid out on the floor ready for me to slide into them.
lyra pants - top - hat - new nike running shoes - check!
briskly walk downstairs to the smell of my coffee that has already brewed and is waiting to be poured into my coffee mug.
i pick up all my stuff and head to the car:

• coffee - check!
• clothes for work - check
• make up - check
• hair gel - check
• bottle of water - check
• breakfast - check
• lunch -check
• work bag with very important work papers - check

red and i enjoy a ride on I-85 and i am amazed at all the people driving their cars. are they going to work out too!? i arrive at the gym and grab all the gear and off to the women's locker room. toss all my "stuff" in a locker - lock it and we are off to do this thing called "working out".
stronger
less fat
more muscle
blood is flowing
heart rate is pumping
and lauren is with me
all is good
girl friends working out at 5:30 in the morning.

happy new year
melancholy moments
days that have been lived
they are gone
years that i cannot rewind
the aging process
learning to embrace
memories
new dreams
one day at a day
more to live
more to give
more to love

Journal art....

Thanksgiving is:

• buying groceries and cleaning the house for guests
• making sure all the groceries you buy don't get eaten before Thanksgiving Day!
• buying pumpkin pie ice cream in October and saving it til November 26th.
  
• remembering all those years your Mom did all the cooking... and praying she still knows how to do it at your house.
• wanting to buy food for those who won't have such a big feast.
  
• remembering early mornings growing up and wondering why your mother was up so early to cook.... and now slowly realizing the "why".
  
• remembering snow and being thankful you are in the south now to celebrate in 60 degree weather.
• experiencing fresh or frozen turkey dreams.
• inhaling and breathing deeply at the sight of my now very full pantry.
• 4 empty pie plates waiting to be filled with pumpkin and apples.
• a frozen turkey in the refrigerator thawing.
• a wine rack full.
• clean sheets on all the beds I own and one borrowed inflatable mattress.
• buying extra pillows and silverware.
• breaking down and buying a paula dean knife set. (very nice!)
  
• praying for good warm non-rainy weather- for 4 days please.
• putting 2 leaves in the dining room table - which is now huge and very empty.
  
• buying a 120 inch table cloth.
• praying for safe travels, good conversation, joy and a home that is filled with Christ's love.
  
• desiring to give away love - lots of it!
  
• welcoming family into our home - the first time for most.
  
• being thankful for family - even if we are dysfunctional.
  
• being thankful for friends - i love love love my friends!
  
• knowing God holds it all and gives all things to me freely.
• loving the giver of all things....