random thoughts...

...life is not about me,
but some days i act as if it is.

i have been in touch in the last 2 days with 2 dear friends
they live 500 miles + away from me
they are struggling, hurting, lonely
i want to help

jerry and i spread a truck full of mulch today
that is so filling for me
i am convinced you can take the girl away from the farm,
but you cannot take the farm out of the girl

lauren and riley
a cute pair

why do i want - umm... the need to have everything perfect?
my hair, my clothes, my house, my yard

i loved the movie "the blindside"
yep - lots of tears

i love that God gave me the chance to love lauren and be there for her as she walked away from bob jones - and fundamentalism. where would she be today if jerry and i had not been in her life? i wonder if she would still be teaching there.. still wearing long skirts and hiding..

ice cream was awesome tonight... just sayn'

over load....

i seem to be in a season at work where i am constantly over loaded.
my brain feels "full" all the time and i just cannot absorb one more piece of information into it.
but more "stuff" keeps coming at me and then i have that feeling like i am drowning,
trying to stay afloat but pieces of papers, people asking me questions, meetings, phone calls, constant emails, tasks that need to be done now keep bogging me down from that "staying afloat" place.
my brain cannot hold onto all the information.
i have impatience in listening to "needs".
i want to close myself off from everyone and just try my hardest to get to a place where there is peace.
i feel like all day long i am in a world of constant motion and of people needing me.
i want to drown.
i know i need to "step up", get it together, be more organized, draw some boundaries, be more attentive to the details, don't drop any balls.
i hate being stretched.
i question my skills and abilities and if this is what i want to do.
but for today it is where i am,
so it is what i will do.

today and yesterday...

my cell phone alarm went off at 4:40
the coffee was dripping
my clothes were laid out
and i was off to the gym.
there is a peace and quiet in the routine of the morning now,
i actually love getting up early and knowing a work out is waiting for me.
i love knowing that i meet up with lauren there,
and both of us with our ipods attached to our ears just do it!
we work out
we are there for each other,
and it is safe and good.
my mind drifts through the pages of my yesterday,
thankful for breath and life and my God that holds onto me.
i reflect on the sweet time with dee at lunch,
and our conversation ranging from hormones to husbands to feeding each other with words for encouragement. i am so blessed by her friendship and love. she is a gift to hold on to.
and i remember the work load that is before me right now and the sweet interruptions of emailing debra - ha - we multi-task well!
amazing that 2-3 sentences in an email can reach out and hug me.
we connect and quickly are caught up with each others lives.
my day ended at home with Jer
my husband, my friend, my protector.
we worked on our budget for our Financial Peace class.
we did well, and i got impatient once and he got angry once.
but we cleared the air and forgive each other and moved on.
and we have a budget.
i love the gal on idol (crystal) with dreads and know lauren will want to see her.
she is raw, natural talent.
so the day was good yesterday
and today has the potential to be the same.
resting in grace and seeking to be filled with love,
so love flows from me and spills onto those i touch.

a void...

... to live and breath and know that you are living with purpose,
you make a difference,
every day.
your passion is being lived out because you are following your heart,
and you know who you are and what you are suppose to do... and you do it.
if you were gone, you would be missed... there would be a void...

everyday celebrations...

• breath of life
• a body that works well and works out well
• friends that walk out this journey called life
• a husband who loves me so well
• my God who guides me through the maze in my head
• a house that is warm
• trees in my yard
• a heart that loves, laughs, cries and feels deeply
  

working out in the new year...

so the new routine for working out - staying fit - has changed
started monday
up at 5am
quietly kiss jerry on the forehead,
turn off my noise machine,
tip top into my office where my clothes are laid out on the floor ready for me to slide into them.
lyra pants - top - hat - new nike running shoes - check!
briskly walk downstairs to the smell of my coffee that has already brewed and is waiting to be poured into my coffee mug.
i pick up all my stuff and head to the car:

• coffee - check!
• clothes for work - check
• make up - check
• hair gel - check
• bottle of water - check
• breakfast - check
• lunch -check
• work bag with very important work papers - check

red and i enjoy a ride on I-85 and i am amazed at all the people driving their cars. are they going to work out too!? i arrive at the gym and grab all the gear and off to the women's locker room. toss all my "stuff" in a locker - lock it and we are off to do this thing called "working out".
stronger
less fat
more muscle
blood is flowing
heart rate is pumping
and lauren is with me
all is good
girl friends working out at 5:30 in the morning.

happy new year
melancholy moments
days that have been lived
they are gone
years that i cannot rewind
the aging process
learning to embrace
memories
new dreams
one day at a day
more to live
more to give
more to love

Journal art....

Thanksgiving is:

• buying groceries and cleaning the house for guests
• making sure all the groceries you buy don't get eaten before Thanksgiving Day!
• buying pumpkin pie ice cream in October and saving it til November 26th.
  
• remembering all those years your Mom did all the cooking... and praying she still knows how to do it at your house.
• wanting to buy food for those who won't have such a big feast.
  
• remembering early mornings growing up and wondering why your mother was up so early to cook.... and now slowly realizing the "why".
  
• remembering snow and being thankful you are in the south now to celebrate in 60 degree weather.
• experiencing fresh or frozen turkey dreams.
• inhaling and breathing deeply at the sight of my now very full pantry.
• 4 empty pie plates waiting to be filled with pumpkin and apples.
• a frozen turkey in the refrigerator thawing.
• a wine rack full.
• clean sheets on all the beds I own and one borrowed inflatable mattress.
• buying extra pillows and silverware.
• breaking down and buying a paula dean knife set. (very nice!)
  
• praying for good warm non-rainy weather- for 4 days please.
• putting 2 leaves in the dining room table - which is now huge and very empty.
  
• buying a 120 inch table cloth.
• praying for safe travels, good conversation, joy and a home that is filled with Christ's love.
  
• desiring to give away love - lots of it!
  
• welcoming family into our home - the first time for most.
  
• being thankful for family - even if we are dysfunctional.
  
• being thankful for friends - i love love love my friends!
  
• knowing God holds it all and gives all things to me freely.
• loving the giver of all things....
  

a heart at rest...

i want to live life with a heart that is at rest, so beauty flows through me from a heart that is at peace with who i am. i want a heart that invites others to "come in" and be who they are when they are with me. the beauty is there... it is actually in every woman, yet not always reveled in every woman. the beauty is often hidden with all the striving. i really do not want to strive. but i know i do. i want to rest. i want to let go and rest.
i want to let go and let God change me - so beauty flows from the very deepest part of me.
i want to know in the depths of my heart where the Spirit dwells that He finds me beautiful, and has deemed me worthy, and in Him i have enough.
i want to welcome Gods love that sings over me,
and embrace the grace He showers on me.
i want to offer other women the grace to be who they are and the room they need to grow.
i want my beauty unveiled.

unsettled....

it hit me again today how hard it is to embrace a changing season of a deep friendship.
the way it was is no longer,
and it is harder to "feel" connected.
distance aids to the "unsettling" that something is wrong
and the sweetness of the closeness we've shared is marred by a lot of not knowing.
i just don't like this place.

Journal Art

a messy table
dirty colored water in a mug
paint brushes and crayons
piano music
brown and black pens
words from past journal entries
i was creating
finally
it made me so happy
more to come...

write... just write

... this morning i really, really want to write.
i want to be quiet and feel all that is in my heart these days.
i just re-read my blog entries from 2009 and came to the conclusion that it has been a year of adjusting to change, and completely walking out of my season of depression and feeling set free from the darkness that claimed my days...too many of my days.
i am clearly "different" now than i was earlier in the year and for this "fact" i fall on my face and say thank you.
thank you God that you did not leave me alone.
you were there walking intimately by my side..
pushing me when i needed a push,
catching me when i fell,
wiping up the buckets of spilled out tears when i cried,
holding me when nothing or no one could give me comfort,
speaking truth to me when i was believing the lies in my head,
changing my heart deeply when i finally asked you to,
cutting away...
changing me...
there are scars but they are covered in your love.

so we decided to color our hair....
dawn needed more color than i did, her hair was long and needed to be cut... so she went first.
i carefully mixed up the "potion"... i mean how can you go wrong? just pour the one bottle into the other bottle and shake it up. simple.
next apply the potion to dawn's hair.
now i can tend to me messy, but assured dawn she is safe with me.
in the midst of this color adventure we were "catching up" on many months of not being together. there was so much to talk about. and so we talked, and i applied "color" with my hands safely clean inside the little plastic gloves the hair color people provide inside the box. my hands were color-free, which is more than i can say for dawn's brow- ears- and small areas on her neck. i was a tad-bit messy, but it would be okay.
this is where we went wrong... or rather where dawn got confused in her thinking and decided the color needed to be on her hair for 30 minutes. i thought (to myself) wow that is long! but i knew she was an ex-State Dept. gal and highly educated and my smart phone a friend if i ever was on "Who wants to be a Millionaire".. so i just knew that if she said 30 minutes... then we needed to wait 30 minutes. so we did. and - well - 30 minutes actually turned into probably more like 40 minutes when all was said and done.
dawn came out of the bathroom with well... very dark - almost black looking hair. the box said "medium brown". that color on her head was NOT medium brown. yep - 40 minutes was too long...
some days it is just hard to be a beautiful woman...

running a triathlon...

dear debra - so, actually i am sitting here a tad bit jealous as i realize you are about to do a very cool thing. run a triathlon. how awesome is that! i know it is cool because i have run a marathon and that is cool too. you train you train you train... you get all the right gear... you train some more. then you do it. well, girlfriend of mine, you are about to do it! in my heart i will be swimming, biking and running with you. and i may cry. cry because i was made to do athletic things. cry because i have had the gifted privilege of fulfilling a lot of athletic and endurance events... some of them were dreams that came true. and i know what that is going to feel like for you when it is all done. accomplished. you are across the finish line. i know that feeling. i am so proud of you. so proud of you for seeing something out there that you wanted to do ... and then going after it with all your might to do it! it shows what you are made of. it shows your heart. your grit. it has cost you something.. but the gain is more. isn't it? i am cheering you on with all i am made of - and i cannot wait to see you cross the finish line. you are way cool. i love you. - kc

time... never enough...

so i am very unsettled at this moment...
i feel like i never have enough time.
never enough time to sit and be still with God.
never enough time to exercise as much as i want to.
never enough time to relax on week day evenings.
never enough time to enjoy the down time of the weekends.
never enough time to pour into my friends.
never enough time to just sit and "be" with my husband.
never enough time to write and journal.
never enough time to be creative and do art.
so i am restless, unsettled, not at peace.
i saw a friend at church this morning,
and she was obviously struggling.
i had not had enough time to meet up with her over the past 2 weeks.
time... never enough time...

i spent some time this afternoon cleaning my office here at home.
wow - so many memories flooded my melancholy heart as i began moving things and dusting... and re-arranging and putting away. i have indeed lived a full life and i have loved a lot of people... and they have loved me. i cherished remembering these memories:

• the metal tree lola gave me when we moved to greenville almost 6 years ago. she always called me "her tree", because i gave her shade and stood strong with her through every season.
• our wedding album - what an amazing day of celebration that was
• an ink drawing by lauren called, "I will yet praise Him" - it was a "doodle" she was working on when she was a temp at work. she is so gifted and i cherish that "doodle".
• birthday cards and special words sent to me on my 50th birthday from lots of friends and then lauren put them together in a book.
• a framed certificate and medal for completing the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington, DC. ran and finished on october 23, 1994.
• dawn and mark's wedding picture.
• a baseball that i "caught" from the greenville drive game this season.
• a hiking picture from a training hike in va - "little devil stairs" - jer and i are all smiles and sweat.
• my very first bible - being held together with tape.
• a note from lila.
• the word on my book shelf - LAUGH.
• a photo of me on top of Mt. Quandary in Colorado... my first 14'er!
• a bible rebound in beautiful brown leather - a gift from my dear friend kathy ray.
• several drawings from jessica and sarah.
• a few books that helped grow and change me:

Power of a Praying Wife
The Sacred Marriage
Having a Mary Spirit
Get Out of that Pit
My 1st Bible
Come Away My Beloved
Strong Women, Soft Hearts
The Message Bible
The Love Dare
The Spirit Controlled Temperment

i'm glad i needed to clean my office. it is very good to remember....

nails...

so.. there are 2 "situations" that lead me to pick at my nails...

1 would be our last trip to visit my family in Rochester, NY:

• driving in the rain on I-85 south - with big trucks crowding us
• being a passenger in the car on the rainy road to the airport
• crowded airports with all kinds of people in my way who don't speak english
• going through security and having to remove my bracelets and necklace
• waiting with 563 other people to load the plane
• being called to load the plane and then waiting in the tunnel walkway
• being on the plane and watching an endless stream of people that keep coming on board
• sitting on the plane as it gets very crowded - noisy and hot and stuffy
• feeling like i cannot breath on the plane as we wait to move away from the gate
• wanting to feel more air through that little tiny blower above my head and no matter how i turn it, nothing changes.
• feeling like i am about to have a panic attack as i sit in my seat on the plane
• and finally... turbulence on the plane in the air at 30,000 feet

2 would be walking my mother through www.expedia.com website to purchase tickets to come down and visit us for Thanksgiving:

• we are on skype and she is yelling
• she doesn't understand that it is okay to open another browser "window" while talking to me
• she wants to see me but the new window covers me up
• we proceed not seeing each other and it works
• she needs to know how much long term parking is Albany NY airport
• she needs to know how to get to long term parking at Albany NY airport
• we decide spending the night at a hotel is best and let the hotel shuttle mom and dad to their gate and not worry about long term parking
• 53 minutes later we have an itinerary

i consider it a major miracle ever time i fly and i arrive back home in one piece, still breathing with all good attitude and my luggage.

the tickets are purchased and mom and dad will arrive for Thanksgiving and we will not have to take a plane ride...

chat moment...

last night i got to chat with a re-acquainted friend who was hurting
there was depression
there was anger
there was grieving that had left her with a void,
a hole,
she was in the pit
i understood where she was
i have stood in a pit before
you feel alone, and emotionally there is no light
you want to move past what you are feeling,
but you can't move, you can't even get your foot off the ground
you are stuck
so you hurt
so you ache
so you cry
i hated where she was in those moments we exchanged words,
but i loved being there with her
i know she will eventually move from this place
i know she will hurt
i know the moving will take time
i know she will wonder if God really cares,
and does He know any of her pain?
i know she will feel like she cannot move because she is stuck in the muck
i know she will feel the weight of the pain in her heart,
and she will be convinced it is breaking
but i know she will make it and she will move from this pit
she will grow and become even more "real" than she was before
she will eventually leave the pit and when she recognizes that exit,
she will be a different person.
there will be a freshness in the air
there will be a sense of renewal
there will be joy
and eventually joy that overflows,
spilling and splashing on all those that walk with her.

new...

.... so jerry told me i was "keyed" (to bring to a particular degree of intensity of feeling, excitement, energy), up today!
ha ha
i am!
i am being so very spoiled by god right now.
there is joy
there is a freshness in the air
there are new friends, new lives touching me,
and jerry,
there is laughter and the pure joy in getting to know another human being.
learning about where they have "walked" and experiences they have lived.
and we laugh ...
we laugh a lot... and we laugh deeply... and it feels good to feel joy.