Journal art....

Thanksgiving is:

• buying groceries and cleaning the house for guests
• making sure all the groceries you buy don't get eaten before Thanksgiving Day!
• buying pumpkin pie ice cream in October and saving it til November 26th.
  
• remembering all those years your Mom did all the cooking... and praying she still knows how to do it at your house.
• wanting to buy food for those who won't have such a big feast.
  
• remembering early mornings growing up and wondering why your mother was up so early to cook.... and now slowly realizing the "why".
  
• remembering snow and being thankful you are in the south now to celebrate in 60 degree weather.
• experiencing fresh or frozen turkey dreams.
• inhaling and breathing deeply at the sight of my now very full pantry.
• 4 empty pie plates waiting to be filled with pumpkin and apples.
• a frozen turkey in the refrigerator thawing.
• a wine rack full.
• clean sheets on all the beds I own and one borrowed inflatable mattress.
• buying extra pillows and silverware.
• breaking down and buying a paula dean knife set. (very nice!)
  
• praying for good warm non-rainy weather- for 4 days please.
• putting 2 leaves in the dining room table - which is now huge and very empty.
  
• buying a 120 inch table cloth.
• praying for safe travels, good conversation, joy and a home that is filled with Christ's love.
  
• desiring to give away love - lots of it!
  
• welcoming family into our home - the first time for most.
  
• being thankful for family - even if we are dysfunctional.
  
• being thankful for friends - i love love love my friends!
  
• knowing God holds it all and gives all things to me freely.
• loving the giver of all things....
  

a heart at rest...

i want to live life with a heart that is at rest, so beauty flows through me from a heart that is at peace with who i am. i want a heart that invites others to "come in" and be who they are when they are with me. the beauty is there... it is actually in every woman, yet not always reveled in every woman. the beauty is often hidden with all the striving. i really do not want to strive. but i know i do. i want to rest. i want to let go and rest.
i want to let go and let God change me - so beauty flows from the very deepest part of me.
i want to know in the depths of my heart where the Spirit dwells that He finds me beautiful, and has deemed me worthy, and in Him i have enough.
i want to welcome Gods love that sings over me,
and embrace the grace He showers on me.
i want to offer other women the grace to be who they are and the room they need to grow.
i want my beauty unveiled.

unsettled....

it hit me again today how hard it is to embrace a changing season of a deep friendship.
the way it was is no longer,
and it is harder to "feel" connected.
distance aids to the "unsettling" that something is wrong
and the sweetness of the closeness we've shared is marred by a lot of not knowing.
i just don't like this place.

Journal Art

a messy table
dirty colored water in a mug
paint brushes and crayons
piano music
brown and black pens
words from past journal entries
i was creating
finally
it made me so happy
more to come...

write... just write

... this morning i really, really want to write.
i want to be quiet and feel all that is in my heart these days.
i just re-read my blog entries from 2009 and came to the conclusion that it has been a year of adjusting to change, and completely walking out of my season of depression and feeling set free from the darkness that claimed my days...too many of my days.
i am clearly "different" now than i was earlier in the year and for this "fact" i fall on my face and say thank you.
thank you God that you did not leave me alone.
you were there walking intimately by my side..
pushing me when i needed a push,
catching me when i fell,
wiping up the buckets of spilled out tears when i cried,
holding me when nothing or no one could give me comfort,
speaking truth to me when i was believing the lies in my head,
changing my heart deeply when i finally asked you to,
cutting away...
changing me...
there are scars but they are covered in your love.

so we decided to color our hair....
dawn needed more color than i did, her hair was long and needed to be cut... so she went first.
i carefully mixed up the "potion"... i mean how can you go wrong? just pour the one bottle into the other bottle and shake it up. simple.
next apply the potion to dawn's hair.
now i can tend to me messy, but assured dawn she is safe with me.
in the midst of this color adventure we were "catching up" on many months of not being together. there was so much to talk about. and so we talked, and i applied "color" with my hands safely clean inside the little plastic gloves the hair color people provide inside the box. my hands were color-free, which is more than i can say for dawn's brow- ears- and small areas on her neck. i was a tad-bit messy, but it would be okay.
this is where we went wrong... or rather where dawn got confused in her thinking and decided the color needed to be on her hair for 30 minutes. i thought (to myself) wow that is long! but i knew she was an ex-State Dept. gal and highly educated and my smart phone a friend if i ever was on "Who wants to be a Millionaire".. so i just knew that if she said 30 minutes... then we needed to wait 30 minutes. so we did. and - well - 30 minutes actually turned into probably more like 40 minutes when all was said and done.
dawn came out of the bathroom with well... very dark - almost black looking hair. the box said "medium brown". that color on her head was NOT medium brown. yep - 40 minutes was too long...
some days it is just hard to be a beautiful woman...

running a triathlon...

dear debra - so, actually i am sitting here a tad bit jealous as i realize you are about to do a very cool thing. run a triathlon. how awesome is that! i know it is cool because i have run a marathon and that is cool too. you train you train you train... you get all the right gear... you train some more. then you do it. well, girlfriend of mine, you are about to do it! in my heart i will be swimming, biking and running with you. and i may cry. cry because i was made to do athletic things. cry because i have had the gifted privilege of fulfilling a lot of athletic and endurance events... some of them were dreams that came true. and i know what that is going to feel like for you when it is all done. accomplished. you are across the finish line. i know that feeling. i am so proud of you. so proud of you for seeing something out there that you wanted to do ... and then going after it with all your might to do it! it shows what you are made of. it shows your heart. your grit. it has cost you something.. but the gain is more. isn't it? i am cheering you on with all i am made of - and i cannot wait to see you cross the finish line. you are way cool. i love you. - kc

time... never enough...

so i am very unsettled at this moment...
i feel like i never have enough time.
never enough time to sit and be still with God.
never enough time to exercise as much as i want to.
never enough time to relax on week day evenings.
never enough time to enjoy the down time of the weekends.
never enough time to pour into my friends.
never enough time to just sit and "be" with my husband.
never enough time to write and journal.
never enough time to be creative and do art.
so i am restless, unsettled, not at peace.
i saw a friend at church this morning,
and she was obviously struggling.
i had not had enough time to meet up with her over the past 2 weeks.
time... never enough time...

i spent some time this afternoon cleaning my office here at home.
wow - so many memories flooded my melancholy heart as i began moving things and dusting... and re-arranging and putting away. i have indeed lived a full life and i have loved a lot of people... and they have loved me. i cherished remembering these memories:

• the metal tree lola gave me when we moved to greenville almost 6 years ago. she always called me "her tree", because i gave her shade and stood strong with her through every season.
• our wedding album - what an amazing day of celebration that was
• an ink drawing by lauren called, "I will yet praise Him" - it was a "doodle" she was working on when she was a temp at work. she is so gifted and i cherish that "doodle".
• birthday cards and special words sent to me on my 50th birthday from lots of friends and then lauren put them together in a book.
• a framed certificate and medal for completing the Marine Corp Marathon in Washington, DC. ran and finished on october 23, 1994.
• dawn and mark's wedding picture.
• a baseball that i "caught" from the greenville drive game this season.
• a hiking picture from a training hike in va - "little devil stairs" - jer and i are all smiles and sweat.
• my very first bible - being held together with tape.
• a note from lila.
• the word on my book shelf - LAUGH.
• a photo of me on top of Mt. Quandary in Colorado... my first 14'er!
• a bible rebound in beautiful brown leather - a gift from my dear friend kathy ray.
• several drawings from jessica and sarah.
• a few books that helped grow and change me:

Power of a Praying Wife
The Sacred Marriage
Having a Mary Spirit
Get Out of that Pit
My 1st Bible
Come Away My Beloved
Strong Women, Soft Hearts
The Message Bible
The Love Dare
The Spirit Controlled Temperment

i'm glad i needed to clean my office. it is very good to remember....

nails...

so.. there are 2 "situations" that lead me to pick at my nails...

1 would be our last trip to visit my family in Rochester, NY:

• driving in the rain on I-85 south - with big trucks crowding us
• being a passenger in the car on the rainy road to the airport
• crowded airports with all kinds of people in my way who don't speak english
• going through security and having to remove my bracelets and necklace
• waiting with 563 other people to load the plane
• being called to load the plane and then waiting in the tunnel walkway
• being on the plane and watching an endless stream of people that keep coming on board
• sitting on the plane as it gets very crowded - noisy and hot and stuffy
• feeling like i cannot breath on the plane as we wait to move away from the gate
• wanting to feel more air through that little tiny blower above my head and no matter how i turn it, nothing changes.
• feeling like i am about to have a panic attack as i sit in my seat on the plane
• and finally... turbulence on the plane in the air at 30,000 feet

2 would be walking my mother through www.expedia.com website to purchase tickets to come down and visit us for Thanksgiving:

• we are on skype and she is yelling
• she doesn't understand that it is okay to open another browser "window" while talking to me
• she wants to see me but the new window covers me up
• we proceed not seeing each other and it works
• she needs to know how much long term parking is Albany NY airport
• she needs to know how to get to long term parking at Albany NY airport
• we decide spending the night at a hotel is best and let the hotel shuttle mom and dad to their gate and not worry about long term parking
• 53 minutes later we have an itinerary

i consider it a major miracle ever time i fly and i arrive back home in one piece, still breathing with all good attitude and my luggage.

the tickets are purchased and mom and dad will arrive for Thanksgiving and we will not have to take a plane ride...

chat moment...

last night i got to chat with a re-acquainted friend who was hurting
there was depression
there was anger
there was grieving that had left her with a void,
a hole,
she was in the pit
i understood where she was
i have stood in a pit before
you feel alone, and emotionally there is no light
you want to move past what you are feeling,
but you can't move, you can't even get your foot off the ground
you are stuck
so you hurt
so you ache
so you cry
i hated where she was in those moments we exchanged words,
but i loved being there with her
i know she will eventually move from this place
i know she will hurt
i know the moving will take time
i know she will wonder if God really cares,
and does He know any of her pain?
i know she will feel like she cannot move because she is stuck in the muck
i know she will feel the weight of the pain in her heart,
and she will be convinced it is breaking
but i know she will make it and she will move from this pit
she will grow and become even more "real" than she was before
she will eventually leave the pit and when she recognizes that exit,
she will be a different person.
there will be a freshness in the air
there will be a sense of renewal
there will be joy
and eventually joy that overflows,
spilling and splashing on all those that walk with her.

new...

.... so jerry told me i was "keyed" (to bring to a particular degree of intensity of feeling, excitement, energy), up today!
ha ha
i am!
i am being so very spoiled by god right now.
there is joy
there is a freshness in the air
there are new friends, new lives touching me,
and jerry,
there is laughter and the pure joy in getting to know another human being.
learning about where they have "walked" and experiences they have lived.
and we laugh ...
we laugh a lot... and we laugh deeply... and it feels good to feel joy.

No one loves you like i do...

... you pursued me, and i let you find me
i fell in love with your tender heart,
your kindness, your gentle spirit,
your integrity and character.
you sang to me at a roof top restaurant outside of DC
and made "the proposal" an event that rings with romance
and love... so that i always have that special memory.
our wedding day was a "finally"! moment for everyone that attended.
there are no words to describe my heart that day.
joy to the 100th degree comes close.
we were joined together as husband and wife,
before God and witnesses committing to the sacred journey of marriage.
and it is a journey.
we've laughed, cried, celebrated and prayed along the way.
we've welcomed new friends and said good-bye to others.
we embraced births and mourned losses.
we are better together than we are apart,
and i want to stay the course with you for as long as God gives us breath.
i don't know what i would do without you.
i love you, and
i celebrate "us" today.

there is a god....

god moved me
from feeling an empty hole in my heart,
to filling that hole so that it overflows.
that is just like him to do that.
i really stand in awe at how he works
he really does know my heart,
and he really does know what i desire,
he really does out give me
he pours into me more than my heart can hold
when i give him all that i do hold.
i barely can find words to say how my heart feels
but it is all good,
and tears that run down my face are happy tears.
there is a god...this is the proof...
thank you libby, chrystie, debra and dee for being willing to let god drop
you down into my life.
for such a time as this i needed you to be dropped into my life.
he continues the work he has started in me,
and he will keep digging, purging and working.
and at the same time he has poured out his love in me
for these new beautiful souls i can call friends.
i look forward to the journey together, knowing
he always uses all things and all people in my life.
he has given me encouragement to keep running the race.
he has enabled me to let go and look back and know,
it is good.
there is a god... this is the proof!

my dad...

my dad...
he is the strong silent type
quiet yet when he says something,
it is generally worth hearing so you listen.
he was a farmer and worked the land.
dad always worked hard and never complained.
i remember trying my best to stay up with him
as we would walk up into the field in the summer time
to bale hay...for being a small man he sure did have fast legs!
dad taught me how to drive a tractor... and i am
confident that is why i am such a good driver now in a car. :-)
his memory is sharp... i wish i was like him in that way!
he has life documented in his mind and can quickly give
us all those all important dates, like when it snowed in may one year,
and when tom ran tracey over with his bicycle... and all the
other tramas in our life. :-)
dad has beautiful blue eyes...
and those i got from him!
i love my eyes...
i love my dad, and remember him this father's day.

out of sorts and such...

... daily life as you have known it changes
people go and grow in different directions
hearts tear and hurt
emotions surge and fall
tears spill
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you don't know how you fit or if you fit anymore
you don't know what to say or if you should say anything
you wonder why you cannot control your feelings
you want to run and hide
you wonder if you are acting your age
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kinda day...

you beg for grace and you're pretty sure you've not seen it
you ask for an easy load to carry
and you still feel heavy in your heart
you want to keep loving
you want to embrace the new
but the old is embedded deep within your heart,
and it is not prying loose very easily
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days

so you try to rest and trust
you take a lot of deep breaths
you sigh
you pray
you dig deep and believe you are moving from this spot
and you know you are having one of those
out of sorts and such kind of days,
and you hold onto hope
and you dry your tears
and keep walking....

good-bye...

... all my people have left
and i am riding on the wave of grace.
he bent low to meet me where i was
he gently lifted my head
he gently kissed my brow
and whispered it's alright.
there is joy in the journey even when it is hard,
and even when there are good-byes.
please don't leave me
i embrace your touch today,
and the way you move my heart
it is alright
it is good
there is love
there is joy
there is peace

3 years

3 years ago yesterday i met lauren
she came into my office as a temp to help cover while an employee was out on vacation.
she wore a long skirt to the floor
she was kind, appropriate in her actions
professional, pretty smile
yet, there was something i saw deeper in heart that drew me to her.
i wanted to know her.
i wanted to get past the "wall" and really see her heart.
i was drawn to her.
i wanted to ask a lot of questions.
i can only say now that God was in our midst.
He knew her.
He knew me.
He connected us.
and so our journey would begin.

lunch outing..

so i shopped a very little at TJmax just a bit ago.

all i want are some cute little T-shirts to wear with my

jeans or shorts with flip-flops.

how hard can this be?

can a 50 year old woman wear a T-shirt that has peace and love on it?

i feel like i am back in the 70's!

and then there are other "words" that are on some cute shirts,

but i so don't know what they mean that i am afraid to buy them.

afraid that the "word" i would be wearing on my body may mean something that

is not who i am.

i am not up on the latest words...

so i was safe and got a T-shirt with Florida on it.

that was safe... i know where it is... i have been there...

and as far as i know "florida" is not a dirty word.